Jame

Thank you all for your responses. I am so sorry we have a reason to be part of this community but I am glad it is here. @MartyT Thank you...I have read many of your blogs and articles and have learned from them. @widow'15 Thank you. One Day at a Time has become my mantra. And when that is too much, I focus on getting thru the next hour. @TomPB I am so sorry you lost your Susan so abruptly. As hard as those talks were that my husband and I had (while in the hospital and usual at 3am), I am now grateful we had them. I call my grief attacks grief tsunamis...they can come out of nowhere and knock me down.

I have only posted a couple times but, as I said in a previous post, I am here almost every day reading. The support and caring on this forum is amazing....so time for me to introduce myself. My husband was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer on June 27, 2018 and died 3 weeks later on July 17, 2018. He had not been ill...just said he didn't have his usual energy. He was still mowing the yard, walking our big yellow lab 4 miles every day and enjoying retirement. He was a young 65 year old. We never had the opportunity to try any kind of treatment or even come home with hospice....the cancer was very aggressive. So although this was not a sudden death like a heart attack, it was sudden in that I never had time to process one thing before getting hit with another....but we did have time to talk and cry together. During one of those talks I promised my husband I would be OK....and now I am trying to figure out how to keep that promise. This past November was our 38th anniversary and my 58th birthday (we got married on my 20th birthday). I have lost both of my parents and my only sibling but this is the most debilitating grief I have ever experienced. I have read many books on grief, read a lot of forums and blogs and keep trying. We were each others best friend and did everything together. I am lost without him but determined to work my way thru this...I just miss him so much. I still work but our plan was for me to retire in December....so this should be my glide path right now. We had so many plans for our retirement years together. I have decided to delay my retirement for a few more months until I am sure I am thinking clearly. It is hard to come to work....I keep tight control of my emotions while at work which is exhausting. With this introduction, I hope to be more active on this forum and learn more, share more, reach out more and, possibly, even help someone.

Merry Christmas to you. I do not post here often but read posts here almost every day. This is my "first" everything without my husband and I miss him. Your posts always move me as you describe your love for your wife and how you continue to "put one foot in front of the other". I am trying to take things one day at a time and, when that is too much, I just focus on getting through the next hour. I understand your feelings about the date....I have that same extreme sadness on the 17th of each month...it was July 17th when my husband died. So...thank you to you and others for your heartfelt posts. You are all helping others more than you know.

I am so sorry...I wish I had words that would take the pain away but there are none. It has been a little over 4 months since my husband died and it is still surreal. Your post tore at my heart...those first days are excruciating. Just take it minute by minute and don't forget to breathe. Although I have not posted on here before, I have read many, many posts...the people here are caring and truly understand. Keep reaching out.... Hugs to you