When I was 16, on October 7th 2013, my life changed forever. I answered the door late at night when I was home alone and there was police outside my door. I was shaking as I just felt something horrible happened, but I did not expect to get the news I heard. They told me my mother had passed away in the bus on the way to come back home from work. They didn’t have any explanation to answer why it happened, just that her heart had stopped when the ambulance got to her. Later, during the autopsy, they figured the most probable cause would be an anaphylactic shock because of a wasp sting. I screamed and wondered why this had to happen to her, I would do anything to be in her place to let her live. I always think about what was going through her mind when it happened. Did she know she was dying? Was she scared? Did she think about us? … Thinking about this makes me break down all over again.
My mom was the glue that kept the family together. She took care of me and my older sister like we were children all through our lives. We were very spoiled. My father struggled with alcohol addiction and my mother also took care of him like he was a child. She would do everything for him, she would always think about others before herself. She was the most selfless person I knew. When she was gone, there was a void within my father, my sister and I, that could not be filled.
Barely 5 years later, on August 15th 2018 my father passed away. He was hospitalized on August 10th because he was feeling pain in his chest. He called me the day he went to the hospital to tell me that he was there and to go and see him later. I just said “okay baba, I will come see you later” as medical appointments were a common occurrence for him, and I didn’t think more of it. This was the last conversation we had. His situation deteriorated so quickly, as he was very sick. The doctor said he had cirrhosis as well as pulmonary hypertension as a result of his struggle with alcohol when he was younger, even though he worked hard to get treatment and had been sober for 3 years... He worked hard to get through his demons. He must have been sick for a while, but he did not tell us anything. After he passed away, we found lung medication that was hidden in his drawers. I was not even able to speak to him during his hospitalization as he was quickly put on life support because his breathing was erratic after having a convulsion. They then removed the life support as he was breathing on his own but not lucid.., he then he had another convulsion and had breathing problems again. He passed away as the doctors were attempting to put the breathing tube back in. He was there for me after my mother passed away and I miss his love so much. He would always tell me how much he is proud of me. We had so many things in common and would have conversations on so many topics and issues. I had so much hope that he would get better and even if the prognosis was not good, I wanted to be able to take care of him until his last days.
I am completely broken inside. I feel like no one understands because no one has gone through the things I have gone through. No one has lost both parents by the age of 21 the way I did. What hurts the most is how much I took my parents for granted. I was a troubled teenager and did not want to follow any rules. I would often lash out on my frustrations on my family, as I felt that growing up with my father's alcoholism and my parents' fighting affected me psychologically. I regret these moments from the bottom of my heart and this guilt is unbearable. It is undeniable my childhood was troubled but my parents loved me more than anything and I did not appreciate them enough. I regret not giving them the love and appreciation they deserved and it's making me crazy. Even after my father passed away, I still feel like I took him for granted because I never thought I would lose him so soon, I thought life would not be so cruel to make me go through this again so soon. I wish I would have known those would be the most precious moments in my life. There are so many things I wish I could have said.
I am jealous of everyone who can still talk to their parents. I am jealous of everyone who had the opportunity of living a full life alongside their parents. I am jealous of everyone that was able to take care of their elderly parents and say their last words. Both of my parents did not see their 60's. They did not have time to get wrinkles and their hair was barely grey.
At the age of 21, I feel completely lost and broken. I am mad at the world, I am mad at life, and I hate myself so deeply. I feel like I don't deserve to live a happy life after all the pain mom and dad went through, and all the pain I caused them. Every day I think about ending my life because I don't think I am able to live with this much pain.
