2018 was a very difficult year for me and my family. My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness in late 2017 and passed 7 months later in Spring 2018. The day he died my mother-in-law was hospitalized and a few days later we found out she had stage 4 cancer and had a few months. She died 2 months later in Summer 2018. I took 1 month compassionate care leave to look after my father, 2 bereavements leaves and most of the year I was in a fog. it was very difficult to watch him suffer over several months before he passed away at home.
I have a demanding career in a very large department, at work I put on a brave face for my staff and teams. My boss told me all year things were going well but towards the end of year he got feedback from people that I wasn't myself, to the point where my staff were getting away with bad behaviors and people didn't want to work with me nor my team. As a result my performance rating was the lowest performance rating that can be given to an employee. It is quite rare for such a low rating so this is very serious. I wasn't aware of these bad behaviors of my staff until end of year - and yes perhaps I missed this. A lot of people didn't know what I had been through as I am a private person. This is the first time I have received a low rating in my 20+ years of working, I usually get the highest rating. I know it is due to taking Compassionate care leave, 2 bereavement leaves due to the deaths of my father and mother-in-law and subsequent grieving.
I am now expected in 2019 to have an improvement by the end of Q1 2019. These things are work are making me even more depressed and anxious than my grieving is. I have no idea how I can improve my performance, become my old self within a few months.
Should I expect some compassion in the workplace? When I did ask my boss about compassion in the workplace for someone going through a life event, he didn't really answer, he said that I needed to open up more to co-workers, I should go to them and talk to them, ask for advice and help. That way people would have know what was going on with me, he was implying that maybe they would not have complained or would have offered to help me. I am really hurt and embarrassed that my boss and leadership team didn't support me and put my rating so low when they know what I have been through. Clearly based on my review, you have to perform not matter what you are dealing with. I love my job and company, I have been there almost 9 years and I don't want to leave. I am going to see my doctor, maybe this is depression or anxiety. Would do you recommend I do next at my job? Just try to do better? Ask my boss for some accommodations? I feel so lost and worried I am going to loss my job.