I decided to post something today because I feel so lost and so heartbroken that I didn't know what else to do. Last Thursday night as I was getting ready to go to bed I asked my husband to go move his clothes over to the dryer. I can't stop thinking now about how I should have done it myself. We both knew that our 5 month old kitten, Bernard, loved to get into the dryer. My husband and I even had a conversation about what could happen about a week earlier because I was moving things around and he repeatedly jumped back in. I just keep thinking if I had been doing the laundry maybe I would have noticed him just because I usually do it so I tend to double check or if I had just remembered to put his collar that jingled every time he moved back on him or if I had just made a rule that the cat gets put into a room when doing laundry maybe this wouldn't have happened. I don't blame my husband at all. But I do blame myself for not preventing this. I keep replaying the next morning when my husband found him. I just keep hearing it in my head. "Baby its the cat. Something happened with the cat. I'm so sorry." I woke up to that at about 6:50 Friday morning. I spent what felt like an eternity doubled over screaming wheres my cat and my baby. I just keep screaming it in my head days later. Everything I do I think of him. The only relief I've gotten is when I leave my house. Its like I kind of forget for a little bit. Until I get back home and open that door and my cat doesn't come running out. My oldest son (4) has told me hes sorry that I am sad that Littles went to Heaven pretty much every few hours since it happened and my youngest (1) has wondered around calling for his kitty a few times. I feel my heart break all over again every time. Today has been extremely rough. I finally had to deal with our laundry that has been sitting there ever since my husband rewashed and dried everything Friday morning. Our clothes and blankets are stained. I have tried my best not to think about what my husband found in the dryer that morning but doing my laundry I couldn't avoid it anymore and I do not know what to do. I can't go in my laundry room. I cannot touch that dryer and if I could afford to I would have thrown it out. I'm just so lost. I miss my kitten and I feel guilty because my kids can tell that I am not okay. I would give anything to just hold my kitten one more time. I feel like |I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this either. My husband has been a rock throughout this entire ordeal but I know he is broken. He's mentioned that he keeps picturing it. I can't keep- putting this on him but I do not know how to help him when I am falling apart. We got our kitten when he was only about 4 weeks old and we'd been looking for one for months before finding him. I had wanted a cat so bad and now my house feels so much emptier than it did before. This is the first time I have lost an animal like this. I have had a few family pets in the past that had to be put down but they were much older and it was going to be happening soon anyways but my Littles had such a long life ahead of him and now its just gone. The picture I attached is my favorite of him. Its probably a month or two old but he just looks so happy. I loved him so much and I will always be so sorry I let him down.
