SenseiWife

I appreciate the kind words and thoughts. I feel so alone and empty. I know that I need to be strong for my son and that life will go on. It has to, but I struggle every day. I do not have any family around, just a few good friends who have been helping me a lot. But I don't want to burden people too much because this is such a horrific situation and I notice that people feel overwhelmed and they don't know what to say or do. Nobody can really help me through this. We had so many plans, ideas and we had such a wonderful life together. So much adventure and such great love. I met him when I was 17 and I have always loved him so much even during the times that weren't easy. I felt comforted by him and I could be totally myself. My son reminds me of him so much and I'm hurting for him that he has to grow up without his father. Life is cruel and hard. Nobody ever thinks that anything like this can happen. We read it in the newspaper and see it on television, but it is distant and we can turn it off when we feel like it. I cannot turn this off. Everything changed in just one moment. Our cozy home no longer feels the same. It feels cold and foreign. The streets in our town seem unfamiliar. I'm no longer interested in any of the things that gave me pleasure. I'm cold all the time and I long for his touch, his body and his smell. He will never hold me in his arms again. I will never feel him again. I miss everything about him. I feel like my life is just a shell. Will I ever smile again or feel happiness? I also feel anger. Why did this happen? Why weren't there lifeguards, signs alerting people of dangerous riptides? And I have questions... Was he careless? Did he not pay attention? It is so overwhelming. My thoughts go back to this day at the beach. I remember struggling to save my son and myself. I remember the waves crashing over us, pulling us down. The deep water and the fear of drowning. I remember being on the beach, looking for him. Seeing the good samaritans pulling him out from the sea. He wasn't breathing and there was no longer a pulse. How could this have happened? We were so happy.

I lost my sweet husband of 29 years on October 7th. We were vacationing on the beach for a long weekend and he went into the sea with our young son to play in the waves. They got caught in a riptide and undercurrent who took them out to sea. I jumped in and I was able to save my son, but my husband drowned. We pulled his body from the ocean and we tried CPR, but it was too late. He was in cardiac arrest and not breathing. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. I cannot believe that this happened and I'm in complete shock. I feel like I have lost complete control of my life. I cannot eat, sleep and I walk around in a daze. I'm trying my best to help my son. Sometimes, I don't think that I will be able to make it through this, but I have no choice. I have to live for my child and I know my husband would want me to. This pain, fear and grief are so great and they take my breath away. Everything is overwhelming.