krissyaldridge

Thanks everyone. I miss them a lot - more than I can explain. However, I feel so connected to them spiritually. Before this happened I didn't really believe much in stuff like that. I guess most people don't until it happens to them. There have been SO many "signs" and "im still with you's". It makes me feel so good and I cannot help but be happy for them. The selfish side of me wants them here of course, but I know we will all be together again some day. I have to get busy living or get busy dying - and even though we are all actually doing both, I am going to live THROUGH them and FOR them. I am at peace with what has happened to them. It hurts and is so unfair at times when I question it - but I know there is some one or some thing far greater than I am that has all of the answers. So, I just look forward to the day I can see them again ...

Decluttering? Letting go of personal belongings? Over the weekend I started to declutter the master bathroom Sarah and I shared. As well as decluttering the walk in closet we shared. Her side of the family (siblings) came to Alabama for the service / funeral for her and Noah. I let her sisters take whatever clothes out of her closet they wanted. They didn't take much, so there is still a lot left to find a place for. Today has been 3 weeks since they passed. Some are saying its too soon for me to begin the cleaning out process. But to be truthful, seeing my wife's belongings bring me more pain than not seeing them. This past weekend, I downsized from the king bed we once shared to a queen. I just couldn't sleep in that bed without her. Since I got the new bed - I have slept much better. I still cannot go into my sons room and I will not let anyone else go in there. His door is locked. I know for sure I am not ready to tackle his personal things. He was a child. It's too painful. If I don't have to look at it, it doesn't bother me as much. However, with Sarah's things its different. Her things are everywhere and I have to look at them every single day. I feel like I am ready to part with most of her clothes / toiletries. I am ready to clean her night stand off. I am ready to make our bedroom MY bedroom. I am not the kind of person that holds onto things. Sarah was quiet the opposite. She held onto evrything, sentimental or not. She still has clothes in the closet that she wore 10 years ago. Me? I have about 10 shirts and 10 pairs of pants / shorts and 2 or 3 pairs of shoes. I don't feel the need to accumulate "stuff". I am pretty basic, plain Jane kind if you will. Am I moving about this too soon?

I am grateful for the kind words and positive thoughts by everyone. It is easy to see we all have something common among us - loss. Today I am battling myself and going back and forth trying to process the loss of my child and then the loss of my spouse. I get upset with myself if I feel like I am focusing too much on Noah and then I get upset if I feel like I am focusing too much on Sarah. They were two very different kinds of love so it is hard to fight that battle inside of you. Both hurt like hell. Both have brought me to my knees. At times, I feel bi-polar. I will be having an okay day and then out of nowhere I just crash and burn. Last night I had my first "angry" episode. I grabbed anyhting I could and threw it. It didn't make me feel better afterwards, so when I am feeling those fits of anger I guess I need to channel it into something less destructive. I never dreamed I would be a widow at 39. Nor would I have dreamed I would be a child-less mother. I am left here to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and try the best that I can to put them back together. What in the world did I ever do to deserve something like this? Our life was perfect. Perfect in every sense of the word.

Thank you both so much for your kind words. I have been to see a grief counselor. I will be going once a week until I feel like I have learned some coping skills and are more comfortable feeling my way through this. Right now I am focusing on getting through the day. One day at a time. I have a wonderful plethora of family and friends who are here to support me. I don't know what I would do without them. However, lots of times I just want to be alone. I feel like I have to "entertain" or put a smile on my face when I have company and honestly, I don't feel like smiling much. I know I will get there, it just takes time. Before this, I have never really experienced any kind of loss. The worst thing I would say up to this point was having to put my dog down. Even being the animal lover I am, it doesn't come close. My wife and son were my entire world. So, I am now left to figure out what getting back to normal means. My "new" normal.

I lost my wife and my teenage son on October 16th in a horrific car accident involving a tractor trailer. The pain I am feeling is immense and, at times, unbearable. I have learned through this that pain and grief creates two kinds of people. 1. People who know the circle of life and realize that dying is a part of living and 2. People who just feel that they cannot go own and pretty much lay down and die. I have gravitated towards 1. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know its there. I don't know how far away I am from reaching it, or even if I ever will reach it. But seeing it is what keeps me going. My son was our only child. He was 14. He had his whole life ahead of him. My wife had just graduated with her Masters in Psychology and was working as a counselor. We had an amazing life. I have no regrets. We didn't say things to each other that we didnt mean. There is nothing that I wish I had said - because we all said I love you every single day. I know they loved me and I am positive they knew I loved them. The thing that brings me the most comfort is the fact that they did not suffer. It was painless and sudden. Also, I am comforted by the fact that they were together. They died together and not alone. It wouldn't have worked out any other way. My wife was the lay down and die kind of person if something were to happen to me. She wouldn't have been able to carry on. Even though it has been only a little over 2 weeks since the accidcent - through their spirits I can feel them pushing me to carry on. It's so hard because I miss them so much.