RosaM

Thank you both for your replies. I am going to reach out to the bereavement counselor at the hospital in which he passed. I remember them saying they offer that service to the family members. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my husband about what I'm dealing with, unfortunately he doesn't know how to comfort or communicate well enough to be of any support. I feel like I can't talk to my mom about it because she's my father's ex and her new husband makes me feel foolish for mourning the loss of my father. My siblings cut ties with our father and wrote me off right along with him. I appreciate you both reaching out to me, it helps to have someone who seems to understand.

My father and I have not had a very good relationship. He was manipulative, controlling, a narcissist. Before my mother finally left him for good, he was verbally and physically abusive. He was an alcholic and a drug addict as well as a womanizer. To his credit, he did get sober. However, he was still a narcissist, controlling, manipulative and very negative. It took me several years to get out from under his control. His health has been bad most of my life, so hearing that he may not make it again, was not alarming to me. I had always figured my dad was like a cockroach that would still be alive long after a nuclear disaster. I honestly believed that when he died, I would either have no reaction or I'd feel relieved. This has not been the case. Instead, I have been overwhelmed with so many emotions, anger, relief, sincere sadness, guilt.. this guilt isn't what you normally think of, it isn't feeling guilty for wishing I'd done something more to help him (there are 3 of us kids and I was the only one who still helped our dad, visited and called, ran errands...) this guilt I feel is for feeling sad that he's passed away. I have been so angry and hurt by him that now I actually get angry with myself for feeling sad about his passing. I feel guilty for feeling sad and that upsets me. I never dreamed I'd have such a difficult time with his death and yet here I am, seemingly unable to figure out how to deal with these emotions. Is there anyone else that has had a similar situation? Please don't get me wrong, I love my father, without him, I would not be. I did not like the things he did, but he was still my dad. I sound bitter because of the history but I have never forsaken my father. He no longer had complete control over me, but I still honored him and took care of him. Why do I feel guilty for feeling sad?