Daisy10

This is all so new to me. Everyday is a struggle. There are times when I wake up and my heart is racing. There are moments where everything reminds me of my dad and I feel guilty for being alive. I try to avoid things and people that bring about these horrible emotions. I try to think of a future but I don’t see any reprieve from this feeling. I ask myself if I can live with myself. I know I should give myself time because this just happened in December but this is so overwhelming. People who blame themselves sometimes finds peace and acceptance because their blame is irrational but mine isn’t. I don’t know if this will get better. I just don’t.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and for giving me advice. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and my emotions are all over the place. I’m grateful for finding this site. I’ve already started to read some of the articles and found them helpful. I was taking it day by day and thought I was getting better but yesterday all of the negative emotions came back. I’m glad to know that I can come here and talk about things with people who understand.

My dad passed away last month after being hospitalized. He had a complicated medical history and was in and out of the hospital constantly. I was somewhat of a caregiver to him. He had home health aides 24/7 but I still did the little things like buy and prepare his food, make his Dr. appointments, made sure he had his medication and insulin, paid his bills and took care of anything he called for. It was stressful at times because I was the only one doing these things, I didn’t have much help from family. I took on this role reluctantly when he had a stroke a few years back. He had no one and I felt horrible that that had happened to him and felt that with me being the eldest it was my responsibility. My family also put pressure on me to step up and take care of him. No one wanted to help but everyone had a suggestion. Over the years he started to slow down. His health was getting worse he was in and out of the hospital a few times a year. I knew he wasn’t going to get better but I just wanted to make him comfortable. There was also some resentment on my half from my childhood. We didn’t have the best relationship I felt neglected and I was mad at him for the bad life choices he made. I felt like everytime he made a bad choice I had to swoop in and help him. Which was mostly true. But I was getting over my issues and just wanted my dad to be happy. This time when he was hospitalized I felt like I was to blame. That week I had so much on my plate and didn’t make sure that he didn’t run out of medication. He was out of medication for four days. And he was hospitalized then passed away. I feel like a horrible daughter. I feel like I failed him. This feeling is overpowering and it is the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. I failed my dad and I can’t forgive myself. I can’t even speak to my family about it because they would blame me too. I feel like the worst person in the world and I don’t deserve happiness because he is no longer here.