Never in my wildest thoughts that I think I’d be going through this intense amount of pain and anguish. But I guess as much as I love my Bella it has to equally hurt to properly grieve her. She was everything to me, and a life of such instability and abuse and everything else that goes along in my story she was the only constant that was always there. We had an amazing 12 years together after she rescued me when she was 1. I had to put her to sleep on Valentines Day which was always my most disliked holiday to begin with. Too generic I guess. I’m a 35 year old man that is as hysterical as a newborn everyday since. I can now understand the pain which I never could before and it’s starting to manifest in other ways. I have an amazing woman in my life that is grieving with me and couldn’t be more supportive but Ive still barely been able to crack a smile. She’s extremely understanding but I’m feeling as if my pain is coming between us. I’m grateful for her now as I’ve always been. I don’t see at this point the hurt letting up. I can be around so many people but still feel alone. All I can think about is my baby. The guilt of betrayal and the feeling that I’ve abandoned her is a driving force. I felt I had to spare her from anymore aggressive seizures. She was suffering from a tumor on her brain that was setting them off 3-4 times a week. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do but my mind and soul are at odds about it. She was amazing and everyone thought so. I’m glad to mourn her and know I owe it but also want to feel in control of other aspects of my life again. The loss is crippling and I’m trying not to allow it to cripple the other greats things in my life.
im trying to attach an image so she can be seen but I’m pretty bad with these things.
Thanks for listening
Michael
