Ejanine

Just wanting to know if there is a heaven out there. Just can’t deal with my mom gone, I posted before I received great advice that did help a little but when u wake up without your best friend/ mom knowing u will never see her again is tough, just can’t do it no more, just want to know there is a heaven and that I will see her when I go. I’m very alone down here, I was also my moms caretaker full time she passed on my watch, now not one family member speaks to me, I try to explain I tried real hard to keep her healthy and alive I was in the process of giving her my kidney, we were just waiting for a donor heart. Can’t get image of finding her gone in bed from mind, I checked on her often to make sure she was ok in not in a lot of pain like she usually is but then I fell asleep two hours later she was gone.. I’m so sorry for that, wish I could turn back time and change things.. but I just can’t live without her anymore just hurts too much... just writing this message cause I have no one else to send one to. I just hope she forgives me I wish like hell I didn’t fall asleep she could’ve been calling me and I’m just laying there sleep.. Sorry mom.

Thank you so much, Haven't thought about this yet, the guilt is eating me up, cause I don’t usually work fridays but we were struggling and I wanted to help us, i keep thinking maybe if I was there or didn’t take a nap when I got home that I could’ve helped, given her nitro like a have a dozens times before, it’s like I will never know, I just hope she wasn’t suffering or in pain.. I wasn’t very religious, but I would like to think whole heartedly that’s there is a god and that she’s in heaven watching over me or in my heart, but I just don’t know, also I have family who weren’t there for her who are throwing there guilt on me

My mom passed away two weeks ago March 8, we were best friends/sisters and I can’t live without her, she went into cardiac arrest and passed I went to check on her she was gone, some people tell me why r u shocked your mom was very ill, but that’s not how I saw it, her heart went from 29 function to 40% thanks to dialysis, she had kidney failure, heart failure, enlarged liver and PKD she was born with, which makes u have thousands of cysts on your kidney, I was gonna be her kidney donor also, we were just waiting for a heart, she was getting better I’m stuck in a state of shock, if I hadn’t taken a nap after work I could’ve got there earlier and performed cpr, also if I was awake I could’ve drove her to hospital.. I feel like I let her down majorly she always cried at night cause she didn’t want to die, I know she heard me crying for her also, due to the messages I found after she passed, I just want her back, feels like someone is squeezing my heart and the sadness feels a dark blanket over my soul.. I just can’t take it any longer I miss her so much she was a fighter who beat hospice death dates twice, she even had feeding tube removed due to her being able to eat again... life isn’t fair