I am new to this forum, and would like to say I really love the concept, I finally feel maybe just a little bit less alone in this...
I’ve endured an overwhelming number of losses in the last few years.. the very first loss I recall was when I was about 9 years old - it was my grandmother. She and my mother were very close and so when my grandmother passed, my mother became very depressed and really changed completely - as a kid I couldn’t fully comprehend this change, but now, I kind of understand...
Six years ago I lost my mother - she wound up with an infection that spread to her bloodstream (sepsis) after a hip replacement surgery and her organs failed rapidly - her heart stopped while I was sitting in the ICU waiting room as they called a “code blue” - the ptsd of this still hits me when I work in the hospital to this day.
Two years ago I lost my father unexpectedly - he passed away in his apartment. A police office came to my door to deliver the news which I, again, had to deliver to everyone, including my two brothers.
Six months later my brother passed away at 38 unexpectedly - this consisted of a late night phone call and police visit to my home, and again, I was responsible for delivering the news. Another ptsd type situation - any time I hear the door bell and it’s not expected I immediately panic and think “who’s dead now?”.
Last month I lost my aunt to metastatic lung cancer. Now there’s an interesting twist to this - she was actually my biological mother - so my aunt (her sister) actually adopted me at birth (my adoptive mother who passed in 2013) - I’ve known since I was about 21 - so it was like a double whammy mom loss for me.
At this point I’m just angry, bitter and really can’t stand being around others, mostly because their petty problems just can’t ever amount to the tragedies I’ve endured, and I realize how wrong that sounds... There’s layers of dysfunction and chaos that go along with all of those losses as well (DEEP layers), but even without that, no one, NOT A SINGLE FRIEND, can relate. It is incredibly lonely and makes me want to isolate myself even more.
I am only 34 years old. I have not even gotten married or had any children yet and it feels like everyone is gone. The aching is just so strong and I can’t help but express my pain in anger - I don’t cry often, instead I just get mad at the world.
I really hope no one else has endured this amount of loss, but I could really use some support from those who understand to some degree. I don’t really know what to do...
