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Johnny

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About Johnny

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Husband
  • Date of Death
    11/30/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Sumter, SC

Recent Profile Visitors

131 profile views
  1. My thoughts are with you George, World without end God's peace be with you.
  2. KayC, Beautiful boy and a wonderful name Arlie. I lost my precious Stretch to stage IV Mast Cell cancer. He was a son to me. I can still see him the way he was when I went to the shelter where I adopted him as a puppy. He was in a small pen all by himself. The lady who worked there told me he was the only one left out of a litter of nine. As soon as she told me this I had to have him. There was no way I could leave him there for one more second knowing that he was alone and his mother and all his brothers and sisters had been taken from him. He was my heart. He was a beautiful black Lab weighing 110 lbs by the age of four and strong as an Ox. I loved him so much and I understand how hard it is. My thoughts are with you.
  3. Shirley, I truly hope that Rene'e can feel the love I have in my heart for her. I think I remember Gwen saying it's like being in love and never being able to be with the one you are in love with again. Sometimes when I think about her it makes my heart warm and I want to smile, and then almost in the same breath the tears start to flow. It's happening all over again. Being tossed about by the waves.
  4. KayC, Yes, my fault because I do not have health insurance or a GP. Really thought the Doctor would help me but he just referred me to another Doctor. I really have not been able to get a break from the constant sadness and pain of my dear wife Rene'e passing away. I feel so completely alone with my pain. It's so overwhelming that I know my family members who live a good ways away are getting tired of hearing from me. They do not know what to say to me anymore. Even my Rector can only assure me that I need to have faith and everything will be alright. I feel like my only chance at happiness in life is gone and I feel I am going to live out the remainder of my days in sadness and solitude. The reason I feel this way is that I truly know how rare it is to find that one in a million person that you want to spend your life with. I gave all the love that I had in me to my wife. Her unexpected accidental death hit me at my most vulnerable time; right when we were realizing our long anticipated dream of finally being husband and wife. All the careful planning and the marriage counseling and the long wait to hear approval from the Bishop. We had finally done it. We had realized our dream of being together as husband and wife. We were so happy. She used to send me text when I was at work saying "I am really missing my husband right now". I'd almost break my neck to get home as fast as I could. So many little things that brought such great joy.
  5. Gwen, I feel the same. I want to be with the real one too. It's just that I never knew the pain of losing someone so close to me and I feel like I need to believe I will have the chance one day to be with Rene'e again in some way. Truly, I feel ambiguous about it because I just can not believe that all of this is for nothing and at the same time it's hard for me to imagine what comes afterwards. I have done what I can to try to come to believe or have faith that everything will be okay, but the pain remains. I know I am depressed. I tried to see a Doctor because I was feeling really sad all the time. I told him what happened to my wife and he said I was depressed and charged me $900.00 dollars. There is no winning. You got to smile cause it just hurts so damn bad.
  6. Yes Tom, I like that you said "imagine going through a door to where I can meet Susan's spirit". Wouldn't that be such a wonderful thing! Imagine getting to hear from your loved one just once more after they passed and what they might have to say now that they can see the great sorrow in the loved one that they left behind to live a life without them. I think Rene'e would say "baby, I am so sorry for all of your tears". "Know this, for all time, that you were the greatest love in my life and I would never have wanted to see you suffer in my absence". "I was so happy to have found you and share the love we had for each other". "I always wanted to spend every hour of every day by your side". "My last hours on earth were with you and only you." "When your final moments come, think of me, and our love together, with a smile". "I love you baby". I think that what Shirley says must be true. Thank you Tom.
  7. - "Nobody knows how the story ends" I sit here on the anniversary of the first day I met my dear wife Rene'e. I read all the things people have said here and they are all beautiful; heart felt testimony to an incredible love enduring all time. I look back and smile and think about the first time we saw each other. How precious her smile was to me. The first time we kissed. The first time we told each other "I love you". All of those first that forged a love and a bond that went beyond anything I ever imagined possible. I have never loved anyone like that. I believe I never will again. My friends and family often tell me that I do not know what life will bring. I just can't see it. I just can't imagine I'll ever be happy again. Although nobody knows were the story ends - I do know that we still love each other. I love you baby 💘
  8. "Happy" belated Mitch and JTP, "Happy Birthday" seems to be an elusive thing now. Maybe we should say instead "Have as close as you can to a Happy Birthday" instead." 🙂 KayC, hope you get to feeling much better soon.
  9. JTP, so very sorry for the loss of your dearly beloved My dear wife Rene'e passed away right before Christmas. We were married on Oct. 6th 2018, and she unexpectedly passed away on Nov. 30th 2018. We were only married for just shy of two months. It was to be our first Christmas together and we had managed to put the lights on the tree and half the decorations. She was my first and only marriage and my whole world. I have never had anyone in my life who cared so much for me and everyday we were happily busy planning how we would spend the rest of our lives together; the trips we would take; fixing up our home together; how we would spend the holiday; and on and on.... Our last night together was one of our most tender loving beautiful nights we ever spent together. She just had her hair permed earlier that day and I told her over and over how beautiful I thought she looked. She passed away in her sleep as she lay in bed beside me due to an accidental mixed prescription overdose. Her son's Christmas present was under her purse lying on the kitchen counter. He was planning to come see us for Christmas in two weeks. He was her only child from her first marriage and was the love of her life. She was so excited that she would be seeing him again so soon. The last time she saw him was on our wedding day. She loved him so much. She had his initials tattooed in the inside of her wrist of her right arm and she would often place it over her heart when she thought of him. I feel as if I died that night when she died. I do not even feel like the same person. I barely recognize who I am when I look in the mirror. All I can think about is the wonderful life I lost and how much it hurts to have her gone. I can not imagine a future for myself and I have been going through the motions for over five months. It feels like an existence but not a life. All happiness and joy has left me and I feel nothing but pain from the time I wake up till the moment I close my eyes to sleep. This is such a very hard way to live. I am glad there are people here who understand what it feels like to lose the one person that is the greatest love of their lives; their soulmate; their entire world. This is a good place with people who really do understand.
  10. My family and friends think there is something wrong with me. They are right. I loved my wife.
  11. Looking at the pictures of my wedding day it is hard for me to imagine now that I am that guy I see in the pictures. I lost my wife so soon after we married. We had not even yet begun to settle into our lives as a married couple. Every day was filled with newness and first. Even the little things we shared took on new meaning because now we were sharing them together for the first time as husband and wife. When we both realized these things shortly after we were married we would just look at each other longingly and smile. We did it. We finally did it and it was perfect. We could not have asked for anything better. All the joy and happiness of that day would fuel all our days ahead. This is so very, very hard, and I know I am not alone in my feelings of such great unexpected loss. I am truly very thankful for all here. It helps me get through the days somehow. Today was another difficult day not because of anything that was going on as much as the grief just came back all of the sudden and knocked me to my knees. I wasn't expecting it. It just came out of nowhere and blindsided me. It must have been building all the while I was unawares. Sometimes I guess it's just like a dam bursting over and there is no holding back the waters.
  12. Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. It's only been five months since my loving wife Rene'e passed. She passed away just shy of two months after our wedding day on Nov. 30th right before what would have been our first Christmas together. I have a real tough time opening the freezer because of the wedding cake we placed there for our one year anniversary. I is still there today. I can not bring myself to even think of doing anything with it. When I try to think of our first year anniversary date coming up without her, I feel as if I'm dying inside. I can not imagine what I will do on that day. I can only pray that I am not alone because I do not feel strong enough to face it. My favorite wedding picture is a picture of her and I driving away from the Church wedding Chapel in the convertible with our hands clasped raised above our heads smiling at friends and family. My eyes are closed and in that moment I was praying for us to have a long and happy marriage together. That is what I wanted more than anything in this world.
  13. KayC, Best wishes for you in the upcoming days. Once again in my heart I know that you are right. Thank you for your experience and wisdom.
  14. Hello Mitch, When you said "It's pretty bad when your only contact with other people is basically at work;" describes my life now perfectly. Only now, the people I work with realize I'm not the "Johnny" they were used to before my dear Rene'e passed away. There is no faking it. I know what you are saying, because when you commit yourself so fully and completely to such a single purpose, giving your entire life and all your love to the person you plan on being with forever, it changes something fundamental way deep down inside. You are not just you any more. You are one half of a greater whole encapsulating you both. Only together, as husband and wife, are you whole again. This is not the world I lived in before I met Rene'e, and this is not the world I lived in when I was with Rene'e. This is a "Strange World". A world where I am only a half, not a whole anymore. A world where smiling faces are ever so rare. The smiles no longer are meant for me. I heard about bad things happening, but somehow I was buffered from the bad until it happened to me. It just doesn't seem real until it comes home where it hurts most. And, when it does, it feels like there is just no going back. It would just require to much effort and may not even be possible, forcing me to turn a blind eye to the lurking bad that I know is always out there. I know this firsthand. I know this way down at the center of my being. Here I am, but I'm not really there. I am always with her, at best, only half here. It seems easier and safer to be alone, but it is not. It's just a facade. This half life alone drains the remaining life away. And, nothing will ever be safe again. It's a very difficult question of how to go on alone, with no joy, no real passion, and very little to look forward to. It's only going on six months for me, the truth is that the hope and confidence in life I had before is no longer the same hope and confidence I have in life today. I can't imagine myself feeling any different in the future. I too, hope I can find my way to a better place. I too, hope I can somehow find a way to not hurt so much. I know Rene'e would have wanted me to pick up the pieces and put my life back together again. I have just simply forgotten how to. It all seems so very, very, far away. I want to be the person my wife fell in love with. 😌 That is who I really am. Not this. This grief ravaged remains.
  15. Mitch, I understand when you said " I don't know how to get beyond "functioning". How do I transform my existence into something truly meaningful?". I am "functioning". Functioning doesn't really feel like living. I don't know how to get past this either. I have heard others say that "if all you have managed to do is make one other persons passage through this life a little easier; lightened their burden; then you have lived a successful life". I feel that for me life can only be truly meaningful if I were capable of feeling the kind of love I had for my dear beloved wife Rene'e again. I gave that love to her and she took it with her and now it only exist in my heart and in my memories. I think that is the problem, I want that kind of love again but even if I were to find someone else to love, it would be different because it would not be Rene'e. Life and love just seems less than. The only true meaning now may be to find a way to help others, lighten their burden.
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