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Johnny

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    29
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About Johnny

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Husband
  • Date of Death
    11/30/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Sumter, SC

Recent Profile Visitors

68 profile views
  1. There aught to be people in all of our lives who we can confide in to help deal with the tremendous loss. If someone wanted to tell me something that was such a deeply personal experience, I would feel honored to be chosen. I am so very grateful for the empathy, understanding, and respect I find here. Met my friend Phil at Church for 6:00 service and then out for dinner afterwards with him and his wife Suzanne. At Church, they did the "foot washing" in honor of Jesus when he washed the disciple's. Husband and wife couple, after couple, went forward to wash each others feet. It was beautiful symbolism that once again brought me to tears. Seems there are unending ways to remind me that I am alone. Believe me, I think I get it by now.
  2. KayC, I have no family of my own never having had the blessing of children. My mother messaged me last week and asked if I would like to come for Easter. I know that being with family is all I have left now so I am glad for a chance to see everyone. I hope you hear from your family as well. It will be bittersweet for me because the last time I went home to see my parents for the holiday was last Christmas. I wasn't planning on going then. My wife Rene'e and I were planning on spending our first Christmas together at home. It would have been the first Christmas I ever spent in my home since all the times for the previous twelve years I've lived here alone because I always spend Christmas day away from home traveling to see my family elsewhere. I was so looking forward to having our first Christmas together as husband and wife in our home. It was something I always dreamed of but unfortunately I lost her. I know all too well what it feels like to be alone. Christmas will never be the same for me. The Christmas I wanted is the Christmas I can never have. Christmas with my dear beloved wife Rene'e.
  3. Gwenivere, I feel exactly as you describe "some ripped from me and many times I look at that familiar face in the mirror and say....who are you now? Where did the happy and smiling (for real) Gwen go? He took it. I gave it to him. I can’t get back what I gave him. I have to settle now from little breaks with people I get that make me feel I matter, but it is not the same as 'being the one' to them". It's been five months and I haven't felt a single day of joy like I had with my wife I lived a very long time alone before I met my wife Rene'e. You know the feeling you get when no matter what happens, as long as you have the one you love most, everything will be alright. That is the feeling I miss. My eyes always feel like I've had a good cry; tired. I hardly ever used to have headaches, but now I always seem to have a dull one. Maybe coming from my heartache. I know I am trying real hard to be strong, but I am only fooling myself and I am glad I don't have to here. Everyone is brutally honest about what it is like now and I am so very much appreciative. Grief is exhausting enough without always having to feel you have to put on a happy face. Seems like it's just great effort holding steady then down in the trench, a never ending cycle. I was always an optimist who preferred to look at the things I was grateful for having. When my wife was overwhelmed by her daily struggle with pain (she suffered from degenerative arthritis - three back surgeries and two knee replacements), I would tell her that it helps me to think of one thing in life that I love more than anything, and hold on to it. Now I don't seem able to follow my own advice. I think that for me, since my wife passed, I just can't imagine that I can ever be the person I was when I was with her. I have convinced myself that I will always feel this way. Less than. The ethical, loving, caring person is there still, but the joy and that old fight seem to be gone right out of me. I have family, but they are about 130 miles round trip away. I would always travel to see them for the important holidays and birthdays, when I was alone. When I was with Rene'e, I was so very happy we could spend our holidays together, just her and I, if we chose to, without having to go anywhere. The Christmas tree is a very hard one for me. It almost killed me to take the tree down this year. Rene'e and I had only hung the lights and half the decorations when she passed away on November 30th, 2018. I left the remainder of the decorations on the table by the tree until Christmas was over, right where she left them. Thank you for your kindness and understanding.
  4. KayC, I know it must have taken a huge amount of courage to sing again. I know it must have brought you a great amount of joy before. I am still unable to do a lot of the things Rene'e and I used to enjoy. I used to sing and dance for her and she would get a huge kick out of it. She is the only one I ever did that for. She just made me so happy that all I wanted to do was sing and dance. It's difficult now because I can hardly imagine myself doing anything like that again. I want to be the person my wife fell in love with.
  5. Thank you Dee and Shirley for your very kind words. I still have my wife's wedding bouquet. She wanted to make a shadow box to put it in along with our invitation and wedding picture. I have everything I need to make it for her. I think it would make my heart warm.
  6. Funny, she was holding her white wedding bouquet in her right hand with her arm around my shoulders. Looks like I have snow white hair. Actually, I'm completely bald.
  7. Thank you Shirley, I just now was looking at our wedding photos. I found this one and it touched my heart because when I zoomed in real close I could see clearly just how happy she was. So I decided to make it ours for this site. I love you Rene'e. TYL
  8. Hi kayC, I understand about never wanting to think that we might lose the one we loved more than anything. Just the mere thought of something like that happening is so terrible we never want to imagine that it could happen at all. I went to Sunday service this morning. I have a very hard time going because I've never made it through a single service without breaking down in tears. Rene'e and I were married in the Chapel and my friend at Church was my best man at our wedding. He called me and told me that he missed seeing me on Sundays. It's been awhile since I've gone and I told him I would be there. Every time I go, I can't help but remember how good it felt when she was there to put her arm around me as we sat together side by side. It always hurt my heart a little to attend church and see all of the other happy couples around me before I met Rene'e when I used to attend service all alone. How proud I felt to have her by my side. I've never felt as happy as when she was there with me in Church. She was always so beautiful to me. This time I made it all the way till the end of service before breaking down in tears as I left.
  9. Thank you Dee, I am truly only able to take one day at a time. I spent the greatest part of my life alone and was so overwhelmingly in love with my wife that she very quickly became my whole world. Everything I did was for her. I only wanted to make her happy and would go to any length to see her smile. I am so very grateful to have had her in my life. I still sometimes can not believe that I was fortunate enough to have found someone so loving and caring as she was. I often told her that her heart was the biggest I've ever known. She had so much love and compassion. I think that is what hurts the most. When you have finally found the one you have spent your whole life searching for, and suddenly and unexpectedly they are taken away. Like you, I miss her teasing me. She used to pick at me when I ate Avocados, she said they looked like "baby pooh".
  10. Thank you KayC, My wife had very beautiful hazel eyes. I really loved looking at them. It's one of the many things that attracted me to her. I had a dream last night that I was driving my old white truck with her by my side and she was jokingly giving me a hard time about it cause we had just bought a pretty 2016 red truck which I had chose to leave at home. I couldn't see her although I could feel her. When I remembered the dream when I woke up I felt comforted for a moment then I just broke down into tears. Since we brought the red truck together just two weeks before she passed I have a difficult time driving it. I can still remember how happy we were when we drove it home from the dealership together as she listened to her favorite song and the huge smile she had on her face as she sang the words to me and looked into my face lovingly. I wish we could just all go back to the wonderfully happy lives we all had. It does really help to have all of you to talk to and understand so completely how difficult it is to try to find a way to continue on. Thank you everyone.
  11. Hi Gwenivere, I have been reduced to tears once again. It's getting close to the one year anniversary of my first date with my dear wife Rene'e. Our first date was May 23rd, 2018. I was actually dreading the end of winter just because we first met in the spring. This spring I would be without her. It is so crazy how much even the things I do not like so much I really didn't mind doing once I knew I had someone in my life who truly loved me. Every act takes on a whole different meaning. When I lived alone, I would do work around the house out of having nothing else better to do and wanting to get things done. When I was with a Rene'e I would mow the lawn, walk the dogs , wash the cars, paint the house, wash the dishes, take out the trash, go get groceries, and prepare dinner, with ease and a light heart and a big smile on my face the whole time because I knew life was good and at the end of the day I would be spending my time with the one person I loved more than anything in the world. My wife. I gladly faced all of life's daily challenges because I no longer had to be alone. We had each other, and together we were going to be just fine. And just when I had everything figured out, everything changed. Now I am alone again and it's so hard. I miss the pure joy of loving and being loved and having somebody. Rene'e put pictures on my refrigerator of her and I and when I looked at them today all I could think of was that I would never get to see her again; never get to hold her again; never get to tell her I love her again. And when I have to do all the things I have to do without her, knowing what it felt like when we had each other, everything seems a thousand times more difficult, and the little losses are very much magnified and the little pains hurt so very much more than I ever imagined they could. I asked her to marry me on June 23rd, just on month after our first date. I had never wanted to be with anyone the way I wanted to be with her. I remember how happy I was when she said "yes". She told me her mother said that I was "a keeper". I am lost this spring without her. I hardly even know it's here. The tears just keep coming. I don't know what I am going to do this June 23rd. I don't even like thinking about it, but I know it's coming. And, I realize the cold hard truth that I have nothing figured out anymore without my beloved Rene'e.
  12. Hi Darrel, I lost my wife just two months after we were married. We used to have great joy each day planning how we would spend our tomorrows together. I went from honeymoon to grief. I felt as if I had died on the night she passed away. Our wedding cake is still in the freezer and it just about kills me when I open the door. I hope I can be with family on our wedding anniversary day. I have a rescue as well. Looks like maybe a little bit Corgi?
  13. It seems to be getting more and more difficult to talk to my family about the loss of my beloved wife Rene'e. They were all present at our wedding and I know they loved her as well. I think that it is definitely true that they feel the pain with me and that it is hard for them too. They remember that when we were together I was the happiest I've ever been. And now, I know they see only my pain from such an overwhelming unexpected loss. I was alone for a very long time before I found my wife Rene'e. She used to send me text at work saying "I am wanting to be with my husband right now". She was so very special to me. It is hard for me to imagine that I could find someone like her in this world, she was my dream come true. My family loves me and they do not want to see me hurting. In this respect, I know it is hard for them too.
  14. When I first met my wife, I was very surprised when she told me she had never slow danced together, arm in arm, cheek to cheek. Our favorite song was Journey's ....forever yours, faithfully. So, I put on our song, grabbed her in my arms, and we began to slow dance together as I sang the words to her looking all the while into her beautiful hazel eyes. When the song finished, she had the biggest smile on her face. For weeks afterwards, every evening when we were together I would ask "what would you like to do"? She would smile and say, "slow dance".
  15. You are right Kieron. Mitch describes it much better than I can. In this respect I see that I am not alone. We all do need each other. Thank you all from the depths of my heart.
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