BiscuitsDad

My foster kitty Kiki (photo above in previous post) was ready to pass with help today but I convinced the vet to let me take her home for the night. Someone will be coming tomorrow to help her go peacefully at home. For now, I've made a pallet for her in the bathroom. I've also made a pallet for myself right beside her so that I can sleep there tonight and be next to her. Kiki was an abandoned street kitty that I fostered after my Biscuit Boy died. She had a permanent feeding tube. We knew her prognosis was grim and it would all be temporary. But the news does not help it hurt any less. I'm surprised how much it's affecting me. I've been crying all day off and on. I feel like I've failed her in some way. That I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't insist on the vet checking her feeding tube when I suspected something might be wrong, when her behavior had changed in the past several weeks. I made excuses. It was my 3 other foster cats and their health issues. It was my latest foster cat who urinates everywhere except the litter box. It was my other foster with his skin condition and diarrhea and multiple medications. It was work. It was stress. It was this. It was that. She's fine. She'll bounce back. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, right? I'm feeding her and giving her her medications on schedule. That's enough right? Who am I kidding. I could have made more time. I could have sat with her more. Spent less time at my computer. Given her more attention. I could have been more proactive with her health. I tried telling my foster service about her declining health but they didn't seem too concerned. Of course, my case is one out of hundreds I'm sure. Just one more sick kitty they have to deal with. I should have been more insistent. But she ended up taking a backseat to my other fosters who demanded more of my time and sought out my attention. Now I'm left with another impending death for which, like my precious Biscuit Boy, I blame myself. I could have done more. I should have done more. I took her time with me for granted. The same as I did for Biscuit. I tell myself I won't do that again. And yet I do. Every single time, I do.

Hi Bailey's Mom, I'm sorry you had such a setback. I hope you're doing a better. I meant to reply sooner. I tried a couple times but doing so brought it all back. Selfishly, I didn't want to start having those thoughts again. In the beginning I was so afraid of forgetting my boy. That by losing the pain I would grow further away from him. It's inevitable that happens I suppose. When I do think of him these days I'm able to shake loose the negative thoughts before they get too tight a grip on me. I still cannot even look too long at my boy's photo on this forum without getting a knot in my throat. I know if I let myself I could easily fall right back into the sadness. My 3 fosters are keeping me busy these days. They are a handful and I sometimes think I've taken on too much due to their various health issues. But they do keep my mind occupied and were instrumental in helping me heal. I'm grateful for that. Your Bailey was so adorable! Such a sweet, happy face. Her personality shines through in the photos. I'm guessing she was partial to tennis balls. It's just so sad they have to leave us so soon. I wish we had more time with them. There's just never enough time. I hope your days are getting better. You're in my thoughts. Biscuit's Dad

Bailey's Mom, Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad I can inspire you. I do hope you're able to improve your health with the upcoming treatments. That would be doubly amazing if you could adopt another little dog who needs a loving, caring home. Like you, the idea of moving further away from the pain has given me so much anxiety (especially in the beginning) because it always felt as though as the pain lessened so would my boy's closeness to me. As I heal, he just feels further and further away. I can't so easily recall the little things like how his fur felt beneath my fingers or all the different little meows he made depending on his mood. When I try to recall such things they seem muddled and unclear like they're losing focus. Every day he becomes less present in my life and more of a memory and this just breaks my heart (here come the tears). Healing is such a long, hurtful process. Having Kiki and Ellis to care for certainly helps me feel less lonely. But I still miss my special boy so very much. I hope the days are treating you better. I hope your sadness isn't as deep. And I do hope you're able to one day soon rescue a little dog who needs your love. Take care.

Buster's Mom, KayC, and Bailey's Mom, Thank you all so much for your kind words and for sharing your stories. Buster's Mom, that's so wonderful that you adopted a shelter kitty. She will never replace Buster but I'm sure she will become a wonderful companion and her own sweet personality will capture your heart before long. I can't wait to learn her name and would love to see pics! Ellis and Kiki will never replace Biscuit, but their personalities are starting to come out as they get more comfortable. It helps me so much to have them to care for. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Biscuit at least a hundred times. But each day is a little easier in spite of the occasional setback. Bailey's Mom, I'm so glad you got a second opinion when the first vet recommended euthanizing Bailey. It allowed you to spend so many wonderful, happy, loving years together. What you said about not wanting to go forward but back -- you captured my feelings perfectly. As happy as I am to provide care and a loving home to these needy kitties, I would give anything to go back and have my boy with me again. I wonder if the sadness ever truly goes away or if it just sits down inside waiting to surface at the slightest provocation. It takes very little these days to elicit a tear or a lump in my throat. But as we're all doing, I get up each day and I move forward, my days forever lessened because of my boy's absence. But I endure as we all must. Thank you all again for sharing.

Buster's Mom, I think that's wonderful you're volunteering at a rescue and considering adopting another cat in need. I can say from experience that fostering or adopting another kitty does help immensely. They will never replace your Buster or my Biscuit but caring for a needy kitty helps. It's helped me a lot. In the month since I lost my boy I have started fostering two kitties that were rescued from the streets. They were in terrible shape. Both have had all their teeth extracted and one (Kiki) is recovering from adenocarcinoma which caused her to lose her tongue and she now requires a permanent feeding tube. The rescue organization I work with put together a video of Ellis which I've attached here. The last few images in the video are of him at his new home with me. I've also attached a photo of Kiki with her new feeding tube collar. I accidentally call Ellis Biscuit at least a couple times a day before I catch myself. I still miss my boy so much and it hurts terribly and I'd give anything to have him back with me. Even today as I was cleaning, I could not bring myself to throw away his sub-q fluid bags. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to part with them. I was able to reposition his urn more centrally on my bookshelf in the living room today. The first time I've been able to touch it without crying. But just typing this I feel tears coming thinking about him. Thank you so much for sharing your progress. And thank you KayC for being so present here on the forums for those of us new to our losses. Your insight, kindness, and sharing has been so important to my healing. I hope you both are having a good day. ELLIS FINAL.mov

Thanks, Buster's Mom. Getting my boy's ashes was very hard and I still have a difficult time looking at his urn. I cannot look at photos yet without crying but overall I've improved. Real and unreal is a good way to describe this new normal. There are times when I still can't believe he's gone. I'm glad to hear you're also getting better.

Hi Buster's Mom, Thanks for checking in with me. I'm doing okay, had a few setbacks but I'm hanging in there. I hope you're doing well?

Thank you, Maylissa. I appreciate the article link. I will read that. Hopefully it will help. And thank you for your insights and wisdom, thoughtfulness and kindness. I especially need that today. It has been an especially hard day today. I'm either crying or on the verge of crying most of the day. I have so much sadness and emptiness in me. I'm just so unhappy and lonely, my life has become so quiet and still and utterly pointless. I'm so sorry to hear about the mother and daughter kitties who were separated. I don't understand why they couldn't remain together. People can be so cruel and unthinking. I can only imagine how depressed they each will be being separated like. And the daughter-cat will be alone, possibly all day while whoever adopted her is at work. That just makes the story even more tragic. I wish you had been able to adopt them. Stories like this just break my heart. I wish there wasn't so much callousness in the world. Thank you again for your reply. Like all the others, they help get me through my days when otherwise I'd just lay down and give up.

Thank you all so much, Bailey's Mom, KayC and Buster's Mom. I've been having a really bad couple of days but I'm getting through it. I read your posts the other day but in tears was having a difficult time composing myself. Today is the 2 week anniversary of Biscuit's passing. It will be a hard day I'm sure. Your stories and your kindness help immensely. I wish none of us had to experience this loss and grief but I'm thankful there is a community of people who understand. I've found a chatroom on another site that has helped a great deal. I also have a pet loss support group on Tuesday. This has been a grueling, unreal procession of days. For now I'm at least able to work again. Mornings and afternoons are still difficult. Working from home makes it harder to distract myself when everything reminds me of Biscuit. But thanks to your kind and thoughtful replies, I am getting through my days when otherwise I don't think I could. Buster's Mom, Buster is so handsome! Such a beautiful boy. Biscuit would not win any awards on his looks but I personally found him to be the cutest big boy ever. He had such a quirky personality and just a look from him could make me laugh. I just miss him so very much as I'm sure you all miss your fur babies. Here are a few of my favorite Biscuit Boy photos.

I'm very sorry for not replying sooner, I was not getting notifications. I so wish I had seen your replies sooner. Thank you all so much KayC, Maylissa, Buster's Mom, and Bailey's Mom for reading my story and taking the time to respond. I am so very sorry for your losses. Your own stories, kindness, and thoughtfulness made me cry. We loved our little fur babies so much. Facing each day without them is so difficult, seemingly impossible sometimes. I still wish for my Biscuit boy back. I talk to him like he is still physically here and say to him the things I would normally say. "Hey my Bisky-boy, ready for bed? C'mon, let's go to bed, my good boy." And as I lay in bed and try to imagine him settling in beside me, his physical absence crushes my heart. But as you all are doing and as I must, we have to face each and every day, face the "new normal". This past week more than a few times I've wanted to give up. Wished I was dead. But here I sit, reading your stories and crying again. I'm facing the day as hard as it might be. Thank you all again for your kind words and for sharing your own stories. It helps me more than you might know. Your thoughtful words as well as those of others online have literally saved my life.

I lost my sweet boy, Biscuit, on Saturday. He died in my arms after spending 2 days in intensive care. The guilt and regret I have over how his life ended seems insurmountable. So much I wish I could change. He spent 2 days in that cold, awful place rather than at home with me. I had such hopes that he would pull through and life would return to normal but instead he died an agonizing death right in front of me. I will never be able to get those images of him gasping for air, gasping for life, out of my head. They haunt me daily. I cannot close my eyes without seeing them. Cannot lay down to sleep without pills. Cannot wake up without tears in my eyes and the ache of emptiness in my chest. Life will never be the same with my precious boy. It just isn't worth living without him. There is no purpose anymore. Only the quiet, lonely stillness all around me. Biscuit was a cat who will never be matched. He was special. He was perfect. We were best friends. We were soul mates. And I let him down. How he must have felt utterly abandoned at the hospital. Where was I? Why did my dad leave me here? Why are they sticking me with so many needles and forcing medicine down my throat? I cannot forgive myself. I cannot get past this. I cry all the time now. When I'm not crying I wander around my apartment in a daze. The world is an ugly, lonely place without my beautiful little boy by my side.