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heartbrokenj

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About heartbrokenj

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Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Mother
  • Date of Death
    2-19-29
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Home Hospice

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    NYC

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  1. Hello everyone, It's been a while. I send love and goodness to all. Especially those suffering from the grief of losing those we love. In case anyone was wondering and more so, in case someone is going through something similar, my girlfriend and I broke up, and it's been brutal. I needed space, but now I can say, from a place of greater clarity that I needed care and she couldn't provide it. My grief from Mom's death did change me and this change triggered many dark issues my ex had. She wasn't wrong, she isn't a terrible soul, she just couldn't take it. She couldn't be there and she needed to run and protect herself. She had a damn hard life and I understand. I wish it had worked out with the ex. I tried my best. When she couldn't take care of me, I tried to take care of her. But it didn't work. Someone told me that significant breakups often happen following significant deaths. I now understand. I also understand that it requires tremendous work, courage and care to overcome the strain on a relationship during the grieving process. But if there's real love and persistence there, it can be done. And it should. Life and loss are better with company. If you and/or your partner are having trouble with grief and it harms the relationship, please be loving and honest. It all hurts. And it's supposed to. But being honest and loving and gentle about the loss, about the changes in the relationship is for the best. Get help - talk to therapist and join a support group. My support group is one of my only refugees in the world. They get it. They understand the pain and isolation and deep, inescapable pain that accompanies the most profound loss of your life. And know that deep, numbing pain is natural and to be expected. But remember - you are not yourself. Remember - your lover is not themselves. Try not to give in. Be patient, kind and courageous. I've lost everything - Mom, girl, family and work. I don't know how and why to go on. My heart is broken into a billion pieces and it's so lonely and empty. Lonely and empty in the most lonely and empty ways. If anyone has any words or prayers, please share them. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I have no hope. Thank you all. Love to all. God bless and good luck, folks . . . . From NYC
  2. Hello everyone, Kay & Vandal and all - thank you! I send love and regards to you and yours. Your words and the fact that you speak with care, wisdom and experience genuinely helps. I always thought the hardest moments of my life were always going to be the lonely hours in the hospital, the hours I'd worry about mom, the many months of oxygen tubes, medical scares, ER visits and the exhaustion of being a caregiver. I never thought that the grief of Mom's loss would be utterly crippling. It's so much deeper than any words could describe. I need help and I'm going to pursue it. As far as my partner, I'm going to be honest gentle and loving. Her first and if all this hurts, I'm so sorry. I'm just not myself and I don't want to bring you down. We can be loving and warm and see where it all goes. I want to run, I want to close the doors and I feel like I may just need lots of space and time, but I won't be mean or cold about it. I hope and pray that Mom hears me and takes care of my partner, myself and all of us. I believed I'd see more signs from her, but not yet. I haven't felt her presence and warmth and that hurts. I love you all and thank you. Good energy, good fortune, love, life and light to you all. Thank you.
  3. Hello everyone, Thank you, Rae, Kay and Kieron! Thank you very much. Rae - I'm sorry for your losses. Hope your pain has lessened and hope your days are full of love, meaning and peace. You are wise beyond your years and indeed, I understand what you're saying. I need help and am getting it. I will never be the same and my life will never be the same. Mom had the deepest affect on me. But yet, I'm trying my best. I'm being transparent, patient and loving with my partner. I'm encouraging her to be put herself first but I'm not rushing or forcing anything, even as I feel as though I should be alone, even as though my heart is broken and I can't love her or anyone or anything like I once did. Kieron - "check-in" is great. The truth comes out, always. I'm doing my best to be truthful with her and myself and expressing and living the truth with gentleness, understanding and love. Kay - I'm sorry for your losses and pains. I've been anticipating my Mom's death since I was a kid. For decades. Through the countless hospitalizations, through many horrible illnesses, through the loneliest of hours, I've prepared for when she wouldn't be here. And I thought I was ready. Boy, was I wrong. This has changed everything. It's so hard doing anything these days and what you say about friends is hard to hear. See, I love my friends, but I just don't feel close to them or close to anyone or anything anymore. I feel like I have to make a new life, a new soul and it may need to happen alone, or close to alone, but on my terms. This is all so painful. I don't want to hurt my girlfriend. I don't want to hurt myself. And making decisions with a broken heart, living the day with a broken heart is painful. Thank you all. Sending love and good energy.
  4. Hi Kay, Thank you so much for your words and care. Bless you and I send you great blessings. I've spoken to her and shared everything. I'm open, gentle and loving with her. I've let her know that I am not myself and may not ever be again that person she fell in love with. And furthermore, all our dreams and goals are now different. I've also told her to put herself first. That it's OK to walk away or make changes. I can empathize with where she is and it's painful, it's incredibly hard. Her first and no hard feelings is how I feel and what I express to her. I love her so much I want to see her living. I'd hate to lose her. She's 1 in 1,000,000,000. But I don't/can't love her or anything or anyone like I once did. I am speaking to a professional. They told me more relationships end due to significant family/friend deaths than due to infidelity. Talking to this professional has been helpful. I am pulling away. Not her. This isn't her fault. It's not mine either. I just am not myself and feel like I need a ton of time and space to adjust and find the new me, my new life. All my deepest feelings are different. Everything is different since Mom died. It's profound. Nothing seems real right now. The life and person that I had and was before seems like a myth that never happened. There's a new life and new me I have to create and move into. As much as I don't want to, I know I have to. In my bones I feel it would be more beneficial to do so alone, but I just don't know. Has anyone out there been in my shoes? Has anyone had a similar experience? And what happened? Thank you, Kay and all. Sending love and life . . . .
  5. Hello everyone, To those seeing this who are grieving, who are lost, who need comfort - I send love and light. Most people, like myself, find this place during hard times and that’s ok, because it means we are not alone. My mother passed away over a month ago and her death has devastated me like nothing before. I’m shattered, lost and not myself. My heart and soul are broken and the person I was when she was alive is not who I see and feel now. Everything is different and the pain, the numbness, the lack of connection, hope, clarity, peace and all is the by far, the worst experience of my life. In particular, it’s affecting my relationship, with a person I thought was absolutely “The One.” We haven’t been together long, but had a long friendship pre-relationship and the quality of our connection if unspeakably deep and true. When Mom was alive, she and I were unstoppable. We were inseparable. It was so right. Now, I don’t feel any love, any connection, any thing. I want to be alone and I don’t want to have to care of anyone. The pressure of having to take care of her and be a decent human being is hurting me further. I hate myself for letting her down and for not being able to give her what she deserves. I’m not being mean, or harmful, just sad, just distant and not present. God knows, she deserves better than what I can give now and better than who I am now. And in truth, I am not the same and will never be the same. Before I ask what I came here to ask, a bit about my Mom and I and why this loss hurts so much so. Mom raised me. I never met my father. She never brought me around me, ever. I have no siblings. We were quite poor and she suffered from massive anxiety issues. As a child, I knew I had to stop up and take care of her. I did that. I became an adult way too soon. When I was 12, Mom started having heart and lung problems. In a nutshell, I spent my twenties and thirties taking care of her. You’re talking a million days in the hospital, so much work at her place, you can’t imagine. I was a caregiver and that turned me into a perpetual giver. I take care of people and have never had anyone to take care of me. Mom gave all she could, but she couldn’t take care of me like she wished. Needless to say, I have trouble with letting people in. But I am infinitely kind and loving. I try damn hard to be a good soul. I feel so far away from my partner now. I love her. But I want to be alone and feel that I’d heal better and find peace better if I were alone, without the responsibility of loving and living with my partner. What are your experiences with this? What do you all think I should do? Any signs I should look out for? Thank you all. Wishing you love, peace, presence, good energy and all your hopes and dreams. Love from NYC HeartbrokenJ
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