GooseandTysonsMom

Sharon- I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. The pain is real, and seems unbearable sometimes. I’m right there with you, I just lost my baby suddenly, out of nowhere, way too early in life just on Sunday. It feels crushing. I have found that going to a pet loss support group was amazing therapy for me. Just to surround myself with people who understand my grief. I also found a therapist that specializes in pet loss grief. And now also this group forum. This is all within the last four days, because I was worried for myself-the pain felt literally unbearable. I needed help asap. I still cry every 30 minutes, but I feel hope that maybe someone can help me direct the pain and grief in the right direction. I hope the same for you as well. If you haven’t gone to an in person pet loss support group, I’d recommend seeing if there is one in your area. My husband and I both agreed it was helpful to us. I am so so sorry for your loss. The grief is strong, and real, and painful, and it feels so oppressive. I hear it doesn’t last forever though, only the great, loving memories do. If only all dogs could live forever, what a wonderful world this would be.

On sunday, we came inside from playing- me and my two boxer dogs, Tyson (10) and Goose (4.5), and everything was fine. I was making dinner and went to sit down and I heard Goose cry out. I ran to him and for a second I thought he had gotten choked up on something but as soon as I got there he howled and collapsed into my arms. I grabbed him and dragged him to the carpet to see what was going on. He kicked a few times like he was having a seizure and that was the end. I literally saw the life leave his eyes. I was already on the phone with my husband (at work) and i started screaming at the top of my lungs. I tried to start CPR. I am in the medical field and have run codes a multitude of times, and this was by far the hardest CPR i’ve ever had to do. I remember I started and realized his heart was on the other side and had to flip his lifeless body over. I tried so hard to save him but he was gone. He started agonally breathing for a few seconds and I thought I got him back, but the realized those were just his last few breaths. I am beside myself. He was only 4.5 years old. The vet says he probably had boxer cardiomyopathy- where it’s arrhythmogenic, and the first sign of illness is often sudden death. I can’t stop reliving his last minutes. I can’t stop blaming myself that I couldn’t save him, or that maybe I missed something. I was completely unprepared for this loss and it has taken a toll on me. I was his momma, my two boys take the place of children for us. I miss him so much. I’m so angry at myself that I couldn’t save him. He was so uniquely him, and everywhere I turn his memories are there. My other baby Tyson looks for his brother, his eyes just look sad. I don’t even begin to know where to go from here. I’ve never felt so empty and sad, even after losing other loved ones in my family. The house is so quiet and I just don’t even want to be in it. I feel like the thought of going back to work is too much to bear. I feel so lost as to what to do.