SonofASA

Hello everyone, you may not remember me, but many of you helped me when I was dealing with the loss of my dearly beloved Mother who left us on April 3, 2019. My absence is partially due to severe issues with my back and legs, but mostly due to the dynamics that have evolved in Mom's absence. She made it all seem easy to juggle the finances, taking care of Dad and maintaining contact with her siblings. I'm back home with Dad who - at the age of 88 - is showing early signs of dementia. It's very difficult to say how far along he is because he is a very, very light sleeper, worry-wart and Pepsi drinker. Add the shock of his beloved and it's easy for me to see how he realizes just how dependent he was on Mom. Their's was a typical 1950's marriage where the wife did the wife things and the husband did the husband things. But I can tell that Dad feels regretful for never showing any interest in the finances because he finds the simplest aspects of banking hard to comprehend. I admit he can be aggravating when he drives you in circles as you try to explain how the simplest things work. Then you have to assure him in the face of the realization that he doesn't know what he doesn't know. My very capable sibling is handling everything that Mom didn't get to finish and as above board as he can be, Dad isn't comfortable with anyone handling the estate. He's shown signs of paranoia and anger even though myself and another sibling assure him that everything is being done to put every possible penny into HIS name. I've gone as far as establishing online access to his account to show him how it's growing, but to be honest, I don't think it makes him feel any better. Neither of us children need their money. My younger brother is the most successful of us three and is set for life. I have about a third of his total worth and although I may not retire comfortably, I'm happy with what I need and luxury isn't part of my character. The difference between he and I is that he has physical assets and very little financial investments whereas my eventual worth is invested in stable-growth financial ventures. Our youngest sibling is somewhat financially insecure but both of us men will never let her want for any necessity. Knowing this means nothing to Dad as his bewilderment at Mom passing away in tandem with some memory loss and confusion makes an already-ornery man a more difficult one to keep reassured. But we're dealing with it one day at a time. Meanwhile, my grieving process has been an interesting one. I don't want to get over her loss if it means forgetting about her. I want to face the pains of losing the woman I loved above all others. That's why it seems odd to me that on one hand, I can process the simple fact that she's gone, yet simultaneously wrestle with the disbelief that strikes me once in a while. Has anyone else out there gone through the same complexity?

Reading your post was so uncannily like my experience. My Mother was suffering from COPD and developed pneumonia. Unlike a half dozen times since her diagnosis in 2010, she lost this battle just as I was returning to the hospital with a night bag to stay with her overnight. She left us on 4-3-19 and my reasons for being back home are different but the intent to care for my parents is the same. My Father isn't after Mom's money but he's showing signs of dementia and is quite forgetful. I have a Sister and Brother who help keep an eye out for him and he knows enough that we truly love him and will do everything in our power to help him. If there's anything that has helped me in this process, it's the saying that goes: You never get over the loss of a loved one. You just get used to it." Regards.

Thank you kayc for your wishes, and my apologies for taking this long to respond. I, too, extend my condolences to you. As I read that you find it hard to believe that he's been gone for 4-1/2 years, I have a bevy of emotions and feelings that seem almost misplaced. Sometimes I'll cry as I would expect a Son to cry after his Mother has passed, then go three or four days in a sort of bubble where intellectually I know she's gone but then find myself also feeling a sense of disbelief. It's like I feel as if I should be sadder somehow or not entitled to be serene and accepting. Almost like what survivors guilt sounds like. I'm not scared or lost, just a bit perplexed about what I'm going through. At least I've had plenty of support in my family (I'm unmarried and childless) and I've been open about my feelings and unashamed of crying. As you may know, handling the unfinished business of a parent makes for a busy time and while my siblings are doing a lot of the work, I still find myself a little bewildered by what this is all about. I personally never cared for the notion of inheriting anything and often told my parents that I'll make it on my own steam. This is quite an intricate process getting everything switched over to Father so that he can finish Mom's task of what to do with the estate. I'm fortunate to have a Brother that I can trust with my life and who has an amazing aptitude for the process as well as an inextinguishable drive to see things through to their completion. Our Sister is just as driven toward turning Mom and Dad's house around in areas of modernizing, repair and general sprucing up. Me, I fill in the gaps and try to keep everyone humored despite my grief at the loss of the best person I'll ever know.

Over the years I've come to know the meaning of the phrase "You don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore" on an intellectual level. Then there were the moments when I didn't have enough money to pay the bills or lost a pet, or even tried to relate to someone else who lost a loved one. But when my Mother passed away on 4/3/2019, what began in me was a profound understanding of that phrase. I just finished crying for the umpteenth time despite all the support and encouragement I've received from relatives and friends. I felt that I had said all I needed to say to Mother and I long ago made peace with her, but I really, really, really want to put my arms around her one more time to tell her that I love her. My siblings and I are going through her extensive records to make sure the estate is handed over completely to Father so that he can finish the process of making the living will finalized. We don't need or want the money. The point is to keep it out of probate. The thing with Father is he never involved himself with the financials and has no idea of what is going on until we explain it to him. That's a long way of saying that the last 11 days have been emotionally taxing because we all enjoyed and loved one another. Mom built and guided a solid family that will stick together, but for me the sentimentality is most difficult to handle. Mother and I were very much alike in that regard and almost every item that she wrote on or trinket she kept reminds me of the times and places we've been through which evokes feelings of happiness and longing followed by profound sorrow for not having her here. She never wanted us to be sad, but it is very difficult not to be so at this point. But I endeavor to mourn her and expect sadness much less often that I do now just over a week after her passing. Love your loved ones folks. If you haven't already, videotape them talking or having fun, you'll be glad you did. I have a few hours of her and wish I had much, much more, but I will treasure what little I have. I love you Mother. You represent all the good in me and I endeavor to live life as you did. There aren't words adequate enough to describe how good you were to me and I can say that I am the most fortunate person in the world to be your son.