David s

Hey I am sorry I was not saying anything negative nor did I take anything you said as a negative way. I liked your post like I said you can usually find something that helps or at least to think about in every post and reply. Sorry if I came across that way.

I sure understand the guilt part it still eats at me every waking moment. My wife died right beside me and I didn't have a clue. Thought she had just fell again she did that a lot I asked if she wanted help I heard what I thought was no because she always said that. Turns out she had a heart attack and I just left her there to either be already dead or dying. To top it off my 10 year old daughter was the first to know something was very wrong because she wouldn't move and was cold, my little girl came home with mother's day crafts only to find her dead. I know there wasn't really anything I could do and have been told that so many times but they weren't there I was. I hope you find a way to truly realize there was nothing you could have done. Grief is hard enough without having guilt on top of it.

This post and replies both apply and confuse me maybe I just need to go try and sleep. Grief sucks and I don't believe in an afterlife but I know a lot do and if that helps you then go for it. I wouldn't and shouldn't push my disbelief or belittle someone else's. I do know that it seems no matter what someone believes I can almost always find something in common with almost all post and replies and I sure wish I knew how to help everyone that is going thru this. I guess I just try to find something that I can use as a foothold to help climb out of this pit then another to climb the mountains ahead I

Sorry for your loss. It's been a little over a year for me and I am still learning that the initial loss is not the only hard part. But coming here has helped a lot, many caring people some with years of dealing and some like you who are just starting your journey. Hope you will do a lot of reading from other post and links provided here.

So sorry that you had to go thru so many things after suffering your major loss. I am grateful for everything I have and no other option just to keep breathing and know somehow it will work out. I was at the bank a few minutes before they opened. One of my front tires had went bad the night before. I asked the young man for any place to get it replaced. We walked out the bank and he handed me the money to buy the tire. I was blown away I never said I couldn't pay for one. he said God or the Holy Spirit told him to do it. Anyway just reminded me that things were going to be ok. A few days before that me and a pastor help push a broken truck to safety don't know if that had anything to do with it or not. Have a great night and thanks

Things financially had been getting better since Sue passed. Man I loved her but she had no clue about money. I get paid once a month from disability and a small check for my daughter. While Sue was alive we couldn't ever make it without borrowing. Things had sure turned the corner with her passing even though we had no insurance. Please don't get me wrong I wouldn't have traded Any amount for her. But now things just keep going from bad to worse. Had to have furnaces replaced this winter now had to replace AC unit. The dss requirements are making me spend about 600.00 over a 2 and half month period. Both my bathroom floors and plumbing have to be replaced. Now a tire just went out on the car and I am still trying to buy parts for my truck that Sue wrecked before she died. I really am grateful for everything I still have but add all the financial things on top of losing the one you loved. I just don't know what to do anymore and PLEASE I am not looking for sympathy or expecting some kind of miracle. But there are sure sometimes I just want it to be done. Can't do it myself because I could never leave my daughter that way. I am sure there are lots and lots of people going thru the same thing. But lying to myself that things will get better is getting harder and harder to do. Anyway thanks for this safe spot to rant, have a goodnight all.

Sorry for what you and anyone else have to go thru in June I was selfishly thinking of just me when I was glad may was going to be over. I will be thinking of you and thank you for your sharing your lives journey with me it helps more than you know.

.You said it exaxtly. May is my worst but she's birthday was jan. 22 mine is Feb 1st. But that wasn't so bad. But the sleep world is so much better for now still hoping for me and you and all the others that things will get better at least a little.

Glad you are where you need to be. Sure hope I am not there in that many years

Hey everyone thank you all for your wisdom in learning one of the hardest thing we will ever go through and thankfully I found y'all. The 30th or tomorrow would have been our tenth anniversary God am I glad may is ending soon between her dying I'm mother's day last year and the one year anniversary of her death on the thirteenth and now our wedding anniversary it has been a rough month. I had gotten all my paperwork in order because I didn't think I would make it and wanted everything settled for my daughter. But after reading things in this group like passive suicide somehow made me feel better. Still can't promise anything except that my 11 year old daughter has been what's kept me going. Need someone to talk to besides counselor that can know what I and we are going through. Thanks again for all y'all do to pass on your lessons and wisdom. I quit taking about 8 pills a day my doctor had given me still have more to go How many people wake up disappointed that they woke up. Not sure if I feel that way but sometimes I do for sure. David

Coming up on what would have been our tenth glad I found this site before that.

Not looking for responses and I hope it's ok if I just stick with my first post to say stuff that I need to say didn't want to post a bunch of new posts. Like I have said before this site or board or whatever it is called has been so comforting and I have learned so much by reading others posts and comments and the links are so perfect sometimes. Anyway not looking for comments or anything just wanted to type about the guilt part. I know I am not responsible but at the same time I was definitely an enabler and I followed the if you can't beat them then join them frame of mind. I know 100 percent I could have made things different but might have gotten the same results, Guess I will never know for sure but hopefully I at least learned what not to do again.

Wow just when I thought I was just getting a handle on how rough a ride this grief thing was going to be, You put another thing to consider Sure wish I knew what to say that could help. If you can think that if you never had Kevin would this be The One true love you had been dreaming of? I know my 11 year old daughter has asked or told me and 2 other people she wanted me to remarry so she could have a mom. All you can do is follow your heart and the wisdom you have learned. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

Thanks and so sorry for your loss. I signed me and my daughter into counseling separately cause I wanted to make sure she could talk to someone and to make sure I was doing ok and meeting her needs. What I didn't realize was that she was doing better than me because until I found this board I was trying to be the man and that I could be strong enough for everyone. Now she says she is ready to stop her weekly counseling, And I am finally realizing that I am just starting my journey and it is so hard to do in person God I hate showing weekness. This site is so much easier and makes it a little easier to talk to a person face to face. Sorry this was so long, Just wanted to say again how great this board is and I am very sorry that any of us has to go thru the loss it took to get us here.

I really don't care if anyone reads this just wanted to say (or type) Sometimes it's so hard to let my daughter go do stuff with her friends cause I feel like I need her just to hug or talk or hangout but I know that would be selfish so I smile and lie and tell her of course it's ok.