Chlor

I agree with the other posters. While no two situations are alike, my experience with a griever who distanced taught me that the stress of the grief brought out the underlying truth of the relationship. I think the stress of grieving makes it much harder for the griever to pretend and that are probably too raw and exhausted to hurt our feelings because they actually do care about us. So they retreat. But the retreat shows us the truth about their feelings, it could even be a truth that they had been hiding from themselves. Like the others said, the gift to us is discovering their truth now rather than having them bail on the relationship farther down the line when you are even more invested

Thank you, Marty, I'm so grateful for you too!!!

I've been meaning to update this thread for quite some time and am glad to finally have a peaceful moment to so do. I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to share your thoughts and encouragement. You really helped me look at this man and his actions differently. I think that in the past I was so enamored with him and empathized so much with his grief that I was willing to overlook what was right in front of me. Plus, I believed him when he told me how much he loved me, how special I was to him and how much he looked forward to things we would do in the future. I believed him because I felt that way about him. Truth be told, in the years before his sons death, he had pushed me away several times because he needed to work things out in his head. But he never went far and always seemed to know just how to charm his way right to my heart. That being said, things look very different today. Thanks to all the wonderful encouragement from KayC, Rae, Ipswitch, and Kieron, this time, his text messages and fake missed calls do not seem boyishly charming at all. They seem cheap and lame, especially in comparison to the intense and dramatic events surrounding his sons death that we experienced together, not to mention the pain and loss I experienced due to his subsequent pull away from my life. All of your feedback, even the platitudes, has done SOOO much to reinforce this new perspective on him and also really value and protect my own heart. From this vantage, the loss is entirely his. If he had been true to me, he would have had the most devoted partner to see him thru hard times and good. His playing games now shows me that I didnt lose anything other than a further waste of my time and energy. With this distance, I see that most likely he was always toying with me (and all his exes) and I am just not interested in maintaining that type of friendship. I dont even have to act cold or burn him because I dont have anything to say to him anymore Being able to read your messages really helped me stay firm in this position, which I know is right for me and finally feels natural and good. I'm on a much better path now and hopeful that this experience will help me cultivate much healthier relationships in the future. Thank you all so much!!!!

Thanks KayC! You are right. His actions speak louder than his words. Confusion seems to be his M.O. If you recall, he didnt make himself clear at all, even as he left. He told me he loved me, kept apologizing for negatively impacting us. I went mad wondering whether there was still an "us" not knowing what had gone down with his ex and that is what lead me to post here in the first place. Thanks to all of you, I did not chase him. I let it go. I'm forever grateful. I hope all is well in your world Kay!

Thanks Kieron and Ipswitch for taking the time to read and respond. It really helps a lot and reinforces my thinking. Kieron, it especially helps to have a guys perspective. I've been driving myself crazy wondering what those texts mean. Does he feel the same way as I do, yearning to make contact but understandably insecure how to go about it after all that's gone down? Or is he playing games in order to get something, most likely an ego boost? I think you're right, that he is trying to manipulate me. And I'm not down for that. The biggest clue is how upset I feel when I see his text messages . If his intention was to be good to me, he would tell me so outright. My heart might react tentatively based on past hurt, but there would also be a sense of fulfillment, instead of heart shattered all over again. Thank you for encouraging me to take care of my heart. Ipswitch, thank you for your thoughtful and honest response, especially with regard to how my marital status impacted that relationship. And for being non judgemental. I did not seek out this relationship. When the feelings started inside myself, I felt deeply conflicted and knew that I had to finally make a change in order to live with integrity. For me at least, the love felt natural and sincere. You cant always control how and when true love comes to you. Sure the timing was bad, but I saw it as a wakeup call for action. Action that is not easy to take. Looking back, I'm not so sure that his intention were quite so pure. He was always the pursuer and I often found myself confused by him during our relationship. Your assessment of his history and his tendencies does shed a different light that makes sense of that confusion. Emotionally lazy fits the bill. So does commitment phobia. He managed to string his ex along for 8+ years after their divorce, pining for her but never willing to give her what she needs. Why would he be different with me? I dont think he is looking for booty call now because our relationship was not focused so much on sex, but maybe more of an emotional booty call. Maybe he texts to make sure I dont forget him and for an ego boost, especially if things went sour with his ex. It's easy for him and costs nothing What I'm getting from both of your feedback is that its not my job to figure out where hes coming from. The emotional work of trying to do so is exhausting. My real life friends think that I should confront him, tell him clearly that I'm not interested in chit chat or friendship at this point. But after reading your responses, I fear that this would only serve to open the door for more communication, more upset. Better to enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with silence and to free my heart from so much drama.

Hi, Almost a full year has passed and I'm feeling the need to check back in about this situation. Thanks to all the good support I received here and from in-person friends, I was able to maintain my distance from this man and rebuild my emotional health. I seemed to have reached a plateau in healing from this relationship. The hurt is still there along with the disappointment of his pulling the rug out from under "us" so quickly. Theres a big part of my heart that loves him unconditionally and yearns to run back into his arms and forgive everything and start fresh. Then theres my pride and self respect that knows I could never feel safe after what went down with his ex. A wise person around these here parts once said "never let someone say they dont want you twice". This guy never said this but he did run away. I'm writing now because he has sending me text messages and I dont know what to make of them or how to respond. At first there were a couple of apologies and offers to talk. I didnt bite. Then, over the past 6 months, he started sending short texts. First, a photo of a park we once went to with a caption "dont dislike me strongly". I replied that I dont dislike him. Every few weeks, I get another short message about something mundane. He went skiing. He hope's my children and I are well. You get the point. I have no idea what id the point of these meaningless texts Then, last week, our ski club put out a flier about a tentative 2021 trip in January. He texted asking if I was going. This is the first time he asked a question and it threw me into an internal storm. Why does he want to know? Is he looking to connect with me? Or is he trying to find out if the coast is clear for him to go and bring his ex? Since he keeps texting me, I kinda assumed things didnt work out with her but I have no idea where hes at with that relationship now. In truth, I've been tentatively planning to go on the trip but had not 100% decided. Feeling confused and overwhelmed, I did not know what to say and did not answer him right away. The next day he sent the following text "I will not bother you anymore. I hope you are all well!". I told him that I was considering going and inquired as to why he had asked. He said that hes trying to be friendly, would like to go but doesnt want anything to be uncomfortable. My heart hurts all over again. On face value, being friendly is a nice thing, isnt it? Underneath it all, I guess I was hoping that all that reaching out meant that he misses me. That he still loves me and realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life. Does being friendly mean that he just wants to be friends? Or that he wants to reopen the door? I've read that when a man truly wants you, he makes it very clear. But after everything that went down, perhaps a gentler approach is actually more appropriate and respectful. We were never just friends at any point in time before the romantic relationship started and so it's hard to imagine that's what he wants now. To sum it up, I'm amazed at how, even though I barely responded to his texts, he still seems to have the upper hand and I feel so confused and heart shattered all over again. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

Kay and Rae, thank you both for your input and support. This is exactly what I needed to hear to stay firmly on this course! I have reread your posts several times when I started to miss him and then make excuses and wonder what if (fill in blank) and then came back to my senses. The video also explains a lot. Im at work now but promise to post more later when I have more time. ❤ Carol

Hi all, thought I'd pop in with an update and many thanks for all your support, I've been able to maintain no contact with this man. During this time, I have focused on cultivating relationships and activities that feed my soul and offer new perspectives for hope and possibility for MY life. A wonderful trip with my daughter helped the most. Although I still grieve this relationship and think of him constantly the quality of my daily life has definitely improved. For instance, I no longer wake up each morning dreading to face another day. I see potential happiness in my future and feel grateful for the good times I am now able to enjoy. I did receive another message from him about a month ago, apologizing and saying he is open to talking about whats been going on in each others lives. On several occasions, I started drafts but have not responded yet. I just dont know what to say. I know he is suffering terribly over the loss of his son and I feel horrible ignoring him. I dont want to add to his pain in any way. Quite the opposite is true; I still love him deeply and wish to be his comfort. So you can see that I am nowhere near being over the relationship and I know that any communication is likely to reopen my wound completely. Even information about him sets me back. Last week, a friend, who is connected with someone in his family, confirmed that he did indeed get back with his ex-wife. While Im grateful for the clarity, which will definitely help me let go of lingering hope in the long run, it still hurts so much right now. I think about his invitation to share about ourselves and wonder what he's looking for from me. Is it morbid curiosity about the status of my marital demise? If so, he doesnt get to know. And I certainly dont want to know about his life with his ex. I am looking forward to the day when I stop thinking about this constantly. In the meantime, I am grateful for all the wisdom that I gained here. Particularly, the insights about patterns of behavior and the stuff about not letting anyone say they dont want you twice. It has really helped me stop second guessing myself too much and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thanks again.

Hi Rae, Thank you for responding. Im sorry that you also grew up with the pain of parental rejection and also glad that you have siblings who could share and validate rhe experience. In my case, its just me and my sister, who is still cared for by my mother and has some similar traits to yiur sister. After our father died, my mothers willingness to throw me under the bus for my sister became so extreme and egregious that it became undeniable. Even though she still lies about it to this day. The stuff you wrote about him using me as a placemarker until he could get what he really wants was really hard to read. I dont want to believe thats true. And yet he he's done nothing to disabuse me of this notion in almost a month and so I need to accept this painful reality and do what it takes to learn from the experience qnd move on. Thank you for this enciuragement. It really helps. And for the TedX videos. If what he wants is his ex, I know youre right that Im lucky things didnt go farther than they did before that became impossible to deny. And that hes not trying to string me along with breadcrumb contact. As you can see, I have been second choice my whole life. I get that if I am ever to be in a happy relationshop with someone who is truly devoted to me I need to learn to choose myself first. The problem is that I dont think its a coicindence that I have repeatedly been shut out or left behind by people who I love deatly and who claim to love me in favor of someone or something else that is somehow existentially more appealing than I am. I really dont want to spend the rest of my life alone and loving myself.

You guys are amazing, sharing yourselves so freely and caring about me. On one level, it's comforting to know that this experience counts as normal. But on the other hand, the sadness that you all share is gut wrenching. How could it be that there are so many people out there who suddenly do this cruel sort of thing to those they claim to love! Originally, I came to this board hoping to find happy ending stories where the griever comes around so that I could learn more effective ways to support my beloved. But there is not even one. Instead, I learned that I need to let go, stop second guessing myself and thinking about whether or not he went back to his ex. In other words, I need to let go of hope. I need to move on. I know you guys are right and the faster I do this, the better it will be for me. Not being a quitter, this does not come easily at all. I love and miss him so much. My brain tells me that, obviously, he does not feel the same way about me because if he did he would be with me today. My brain tells me that this behavior proves that hes not good for me, that he would have run back to the ex eventually anyway. But my broken heart just wants to erase this chapter, chalk it up to his grief, find a way to forgive him and fulfill the plans we had together. My heart doesnt want to give up. I realize its not reasonable, but thats the struggle. The question now is how to get heart and head on the same page? Grieving the end of this relationship in some ways seems more complicated than grieving a physical death, which is finite. With physical death, you are challenged to accept the unacceptable. Society acknowledges the loss with support and rituals of mourning. There are stages to go through but it's definitely over. You are not left wondering what happened and whether there is still a chance for a future together. Your friends don't give reassurances that its not necessarily over. You are not telling yourself, if I handle this the right way, he will realize his mistake and come back feeling stronger than before. Kayc, thank you for pointing out that some men dont act this way. You may be right but I wonder how much of that is because of who they are versus how we relate to them. In my case, I do find my beloved to be emotionally open and caring. What is it about me that ultimately made me less valuable in his eyes than his ex? Thank you for this, Rae. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. As for the orange and red flags, I was aware of his attachment to his ex. This past year, he has been very reassuring of his feelings for and commitment to me. I believed him when he told me he was all in with me and I did not have to worry that he would leave me for her. His words and behavior suggested this was true, until it all changed and it wasnt true anymore. Lesson learned. In the future, I will trust my gut and not tolerate that sort of dynamic again. Vandal, Im so glad you were able to maintain no contact and seem to have found peace after 6 months. It does seem like you helped her in life but ultimately her unresolved issues had to be handled on her own. In my case, unfortunately, my beloved's unresolved issues seem to be with his ex. I dont know if they got back together or not. But I do know that this has been going on for many years before he met me. I think that for a while our relationship may have given him a sense of resolve and hope for happier future. But I cant know for sure because that all that changed once the ex started coming around when he was vulnerable. I do know that I cant help him resolve his feelings for her and the whole dynamic is toxic for me. I grew up in a family where my sister was and still is preferred over me. Of course the family, my mother in particular, always denied this. They would say "we love you both the same" and I would feel guilty for thinking otherwise and for the resentment I felt. It is easy to lie to a child. As I grew up, the dynamics became much more obvious in extremely hurtful ways that everyone else in my family could see. I wont go into detail about this but I will say that the silver lining in seeing the truth is knowing that my childhood pain was based in reality and not in my jealous imagination. To bring it back to the issue at hand, I see now that, whether they got back together or not, being suddenly ghosted for another woman totally plays into my unresolved family issue. But Im not sure that this kind of trauma can ever be resolved. We just go on living. I do maintain a relationship with my family of origin but it has boundaries. We are not close. As I write this out, Im sure this is a big part of why Im having so much trouble letting go. Once again, I am the girl who is not chosen. He loves me but I am not the one. Blah blah blah. The child inside me still desperately wants to rewrite the ending with this guy. But I think we all know it would not be different . The best I can do is recognize this trigger as a giant red flag and run when I see it, with this guy and in the future.

Hi Vandal, Thsnks for chiming in so compassionately. This is a club of kind hearted people that you never want to join. You hit the nail on the head. I have more light each day but waking up in the morning still sucks. You can replay the past and it seems so sweet until you realize that its based on a sham. No matter how they acted toward us previously, their behavior shows that we didnt mske them that happy and they didnt actually love us as much as they claimed, certainly not as much as we love them. Because if they did, they would want to be with us, pure and simple. Have you heard from your ex at all in 6 months? I got one apologetic text message 2 weeks after he retreated, then nothing. I still cant wrap my head and heart around how they can just drop someone they claimed to love so much, someone they waited their whole lives for, without even looking back. Their behavior may not be our fault, but we allowed ourselves to believe and invest our hearts in a sham. At least thats what I keep telling myself. Because theres no other way for me to understand this. Yes, there were red flags during the relationship. But we seemed to get past them and so I trusted him with my heart. Obviously, it is not worth anything to him. I know I need to respect and value myself first but Im afraid I will never trust again.

Thank you both for your patience and support of me letting go. And for sharing your own stories of coping with loss. The denial and bargaining aspects of grieving this relationship have been maddening, which is not surprising given its vague ending and the complications of his grief/my impending divorce. Its all too much Closure will come when I not only accept that it is truly over but that I want it to be. I appreciate all your help to recognize this mans own problems as separate from mine and to focus on healing myself. I may sound like a broken record, but you really have helped. I am getting there a little more each day.

Im not interested in having a break-up talk.

Again, thank you both for caring enough to so thoroughly support and encourage me during this difficult time. I seem to really need it because Im all over the map these days. Is this what grieving a relationship is all about? Sometimes, I feel stronger, especially after re-reading your messages. During these times, I can focus on my own future happiness with the knowledge that, since he has shown his true colors as far as the ex is concerned and his capacity to betray me, it won't be found with him. But then at night, all the questions come back. I wake up in anguish. I dont know for sure that he did go back to his ex or even whether he thinks we broke up. I reread his message to me and find different meanings in it. For example, what "things" is he referring to and does he think that there is still an "us" to recover? I will paste the contents below: "I'm sorry. Everything this year was everything I told you it was, everything we talked about. It was great. I hope things are not to bad , or ok in your situation. I am ok and then I am not ok. I am just as worried about [other son] , he lost his brother, good grief. We are working together, talking alot. I of course did not anticipate these things happening and I'm sorry they affected us negatively. We can talk some time" Last night, I caved in and answered. I simply wrote "I dont know what to say". Its the truth and it doesnt give him access to any info about my life or my feelings. Luckily, he is not on social media at all so there are no ties there to sever. And I already changed his name in my contact log to "remember your worth". I guess Im not yet ready to block his number entirely. Maybe soon. I know you guys are right that I need to let go and focus on whats best for me. On what brings me happiness. Why is that so hard? Especially since he has brought so much hurt, it does not make sense. Another concern is that when Im in pain, suddenly my marriage does not seem so bad. I have to work to remind myself of all the hurt and alienation I experienced. All of that was real and Im looking at spending most of the summer at home alone again. Why is it so hard for me to keep it real?

Rae, thank you for this. I'm sure yiu heard this before but you are wise beyond your years! You're right. He has kept in constant contact and she has been waiting in the wings all this time. If I ever had a doubt about it, her emotionality upon meeting me is proof enough. Early in our relationship he told me that he needed to completely cut her out of his life, no contact whatsoever, in order to focus on me.. I felt that he should do this when he is ready. As a married, I felt it would be hypocritical of me to pressure him. Plus, I really believe that strongarming him to cut her off would not stop him from contacting her if thats what he wants to do. If anything, the taboo would only make her more tantalizing in his eyes. I wanted him to choose me of his own free will. As our relationship developed, he lead me to believe she was out of the picture. Until a couple of months ago when he accidentally sent me a text that was meant for her. It was q perfectly ordinary, non romantic bit of communication. But still. In any event, I think youre right. He engaged me in a romantic relationship, even though he knew I was embarking on a divorce and knowing full well that he was waiting for the right moment to go back to her. In fact, he still keeps his wedding ring in a tray on his bedroom dresser. Shame on him. Focusing on this really helps me understand how and why he is not good for me. And that helps me to keep my gaze forward. I am starring to come out of the haze - have been able to concentrate at work and enjoy dance practice. Now the challenge will be to avoid getting sucked back in. . After 2 weeks of no contact, I just received a text message from him. It was not very coherent, contained a couple of apologies. For example e did not expect "these things" (whatever that means) to happen and is sorry it negatively affected us. It ended with "we can talk sometime". I cant tell what he is looking for from me. And each rereading only brings a fresh swell of pain as I imagine him back with his ex and looking for exoneration. Or to keep me as an option. He wont get either from me. So what ireally is there to say? I got all the closure I need 2 weeks ago during our phone call when he said he had feelings for the ex. And from my online conversations with you both. I hope I can stay strong on this.