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About Chlor

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Fathers girlfriend
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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    Upstate ny

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  1. I agree with the other posters. While no two situations are alike, my experience with a griever who distanced taught me that the stress of the grief brought out the underlying truth of the relationship. I think the stress of grieving makes it much harder for the griever to pretend and that are probably too raw and exhausted to hurt our feelings because they actually do care about us. So they retreat. But the retreat shows us the truth about their feelings, it could even be a truth that they had been hiding from themselves. Like the others said, the gift to us is discovering their truth n
  2. Thank you, Marty, I'm so grateful for you too!!!
  3. I've been meaning to update this thread for quite some time and am glad to finally have a peaceful moment to so do. I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to share your thoughts and encouragement. You really helped me look at this man and his actions differently. I think that in the past I was so enamored with him and empathized so much with his grief that I was willing to overlook what was right in front of me. Plus, I believed him when he told me how much he loved me, how special I was to him and how much he looked forward to things we would do in the future. I believed him b
  4. Thanks KayC! You are right. His actions speak louder than his words. Confusion seems to be his M.O. If you recall, he didnt make himself clear at all, even as he left. He told me he loved me, kept apologizing for negatively impacting us. I went mad wondering whether there was still an "us" not knowing what had gone down with his ex and that is what lead me to post here in the first place. Thanks to all of you, I did not chase him. I let it go. I'm forever grateful. I hope all is well in your world Kay!
  5. Thanks Kieron and Ipswitch for taking the time to read and respond. It really helps a lot and reinforces my thinking. Kieron, it especially helps to have a guys perspective. I've been driving myself crazy wondering what those texts mean. Does he feel the same way as I do, yearning to make contact but understandably insecure how to go about it after all that's gone down? Or is he playing games in order to get something, most likely an ego boost? I think you're right, that he is trying to manipulate me. And I'm not down for that. The biggest clue is how upset I feel when I see his t
  6. Hi, Almost a full year has passed and I'm feeling the need to check back in about this situation. Thanks to all the good support I received here and from in-person friends, I was able to maintain my distance from this man and rebuild my emotional health. I seemed to have reached a plateau in healing from this relationship. The hurt is still there along with the disappointment of his pulling the rug out from under "us" so quickly. Theres a big part of my heart that loves him unconditionally and yearns to run back into his arms and forgive everything and start fresh. Then theres my pride an
  7. Kay and Rae, thank you both for your input and support. This is exactly what I needed to hear to stay firmly on this course! I have reread your posts several times when I started to miss him and then make excuses and wonder what if (fill in blank) and then came back to my senses. The video also explains a lot. Im at work now but promise to post more later when I have more time. ❤ Carol
  8. Hi all, thought I'd pop in with an update and many thanks for all your support, I've been able to maintain no contact with this man. During this time, I have focused on cultivating relationships and activities that feed my soul and offer new perspectives for hope and possibility for MY life. A wonderful trip with my daughter helped the most. Although I still grieve this relationship and think of him constantly the quality of my daily life has definitely improved. For instance, I no longer wake up each morning dreading to face another day. I see potential happiness in my future and feel grate
  9. Hi Rae, Thank you for responding. Im sorry that you also grew up with the pain of parental rejection and also glad that you have siblings who could share and validate rhe experience. In my case, its just me and my sister, who is still cared for by my mother and has some similar traits to yiur sister. After our father died, my mothers willingness to throw me under the bus for my sister became so extreme and egregious that it became undeniable. Even though she still lies about it to this day. The stuff you wrote about him using me as a placemarker until he could get what he really wan
  10. You guys are amazing, sharing yourselves so freely and caring about me. On one level, it's comforting to know that this experience counts as normal. But on the other hand, the sadness that you all share is gut wrenching. How could it be that there are so many people out there who suddenly do this cruel sort of thing to those they claim to love! Originally, I came to this board hoping to find happy ending stories where the griever comes around so that I could learn more effective ways to support my beloved. But there is not even one. Instead, I learned that I need to let go, stop second g
  11. Hi Vandal, Thsnks for chiming in so compassionately. This is a club of kind hearted people that you never want to join. You hit the nail on the head. I have more light each day but waking up in the morning still sucks. You can replay the past and it seems so sweet until you realize that its based on a sham. No matter how they acted toward us previously, their behavior shows that we didnt mske them that happy and they didnt actually love us as much as they claimed, certainly not as much as we love them. Because if they did, they would want to be with us, pure and simple. H
  12. Thank you both for your patience and support of me letting go. And for sharing your own stories of coping with loss. The denial and bargaining aspects of grieving this relationship have been maddening, which is not surprising given its vague ending and the complications of his grief/my impending divorce. Its all too much Closure will come when I not only accept that it is truly over but that I want it to be. I appreciate all your help to recognize this mans own problems as separate from mine and to focus on healing myself. I may sound like a broken record, but you really have helped. I
  13. Im not interested in having a break-up talk.
  14. Again, thank you both for caring enough to so thoroughly support and encourage me during this difficult time. I seem to really need it because Im all over the map these days. Is this what grieving a relationship is all about? Sometimes, I feel stronger, especially after re-reading your messages. During these times, I can focus on my own future happiness with the knowledge that, since he has shown his true colors as far as the ex is concerned and his capacity to betray me, it won't be found with him. But then at night, all the questions come back. I wake up in anguish. I dont know for su
  15. Rae, thank you for this. I'm sure yiu heard this before but you are wise beyond your years! You're right. He has kept in constant contact and she has been waiting in the wings all this time. If I ever had a doubt about it, her emotionality upon meeting me is proof enough. Early in our relationship he told me that he needed to completely cut her out of his life, no contact whatsoever, in order to focus on me.. I felt that he should do this when he is ready. As a married, I felt it would be hypocritical of me to pressure him. Plus, I really believe that strongarming him to cut her off would
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