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April-S

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About April-S

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Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Mom
  • Date of Death
    April 21 2019
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Port Colborne

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  1. I lost my first personal dog on Easter Sunday to a heart hemangiosarcoma that burster filling the pericardium sac arround the heart with blood, I am devastated, this was unexpected and I have been so very lost without him. The last few days I've been struggling with the fact that when I helped him cross over the rainbow bridge, I left the room within a minute. I am now thinking that I should of stayed with him a few more minutes. As I wonder when the brain catches up to the heart stopping. I can't stop thinking that he was alone during the brains shutting down process. I'm having such bad regrets. I feel like I failed him in his finale moments. I'm so very mad at myself and this thought has taken primary residents as a permanent thought that has been lingering over me the past few days. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I let my best friend down. I promised to be there until the very end, not skip out early. I hope one day I can forgive myself. I know this may sound illogical but I'm struggling.
  2. Busters mom, I understand where your coming from, and have had similar feelings. I lost my heart dog, a big black beautiful Labrador named Quazar unexpectedly to a heart hemangiosarcoma that burster filling the pericardium sac arround the heart with blood. This only happened on Easter Sunday. Before this happened we had already decided to welcome a new pup into our lives to keep our almost 13 year old lab active and company. He did not act his age, he was very active and had no arthritis or medical issues before he passed unexpectedly from this horrific cancer. We lost him in just under 2 days. We had already made the commitment to this new fur baby, but I felt like I was dishounoring him by getting this new friend after he was gone. We only brought her home 4 days ago, and sometimes I think to myself I just want my boy back. My new fur baby is really sweet, but I thought I would have my boy by my side to help with her. He was so good with pups, all our friends would bring theirs over to have my boy be a big brother to them. So I do understand how you are feeling, if my new girl even pants after play or gets hiccups i freak out. As laboured breathing is what my boys symptom was that brought us to the vet followed by him not being able to get up. So I am grieving and starting to love this new friend all at the same time. I thought about not bringing her home because of what happened. But I already had met her and already made a commitment to her. It's so very hard to grieve and be happy at the same time. What a mix of emotions. I totally understand where your coming from, you are not alone. I am so very sorry you are going through this greiving process to. It really sucks, I wish there was something I could say to make things easier. All I can say is that I write to my fur baby daily, it helps a little. Sending you positive energy and healing thoughts your way. And know you are doing everything right for your new fur baby.
  3. Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion you have shown me. You are truly one in a million a very special person with a beautiful soul. You are so very strong, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am so very sorry for the looses you have endured. Your words have helped me so much. Having some one who truly understand what im going through is priceless. I cannot wait for the day I'm ready to welcome home a new friend. I know I can never replace Quazar, but I know sooner then later it will be time for a new furry friend. I miss all the unconditional love we share with our pets.. I know every one is different on how long they wait to adopt a new family member, I'm sure I will know when the time is right. You have really helped me and I am grateful I found this wonderful group, especially you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
  4. I know I've posted a couple times. But my heart is still broken. I've now read 2 books on grief and many articles and it has not lessened the pain. I just miss him terrible. My sweet black Labrador is missing from my life. I was not ready for this to happen. I really thought we had more time together. I should of hugged him more, told him he was the best dog more. Even though I did that daily I should of told him every time he looked at me. I know the wound is still fresh, it only happend on Easter Sunday. Passed from a hemangiosarcoma of the heart that burster leaving his pericardium full of blood. I was given no good option but to send him over the rainbow bridge. But it still feels so tragic and unbearable . I never expected that I would take it this badly. Mornings and nights are the worst. I miss all our little rituals. Being that my husband is the type that sleeps minamily, Quazar was my constant night budy, he kept me company and was always by my side. Though he was independent and not very needy, that was me instead. He was always present when I was home, never more then a few feet away, unless we were in bed for the night, he slept right up against me. I miss that the most. I know I will miss him forever, I'm just hoping the pain will lesson in time and that I can start focusing on the almost 13 great years we had together. I'm trying not to be so angry but know it's part of the process. I write to him almost daily, and I hope he hears my words. I just hope one day I will receive a sign that he is over the rainbow bridge happy and at peace. It's really hard not thinking of the times I failed him by raising me voice, very rarely at him but in his presence. I know he didn't like to see his humans bicker. I am going to work really hard to make sure that changes, so any future pet will not experience that. I'm sorry I'm rambling on, I'm hoping sharing my thoughts will ease the viciouse circle my thoughts are going in. I just don't know what to do from here to stop crying everyday and wishing things were different. I know I can't change what happened, I'm just hoping to find some peace. Thank you so much for reading this, any advice is needed and welcomed.
  5. Today marks 2 weeks since I've lost my Quazar, an almost 13 year old Labrador. It would of been his 13th birthday today. I had the whole day planned out to celebrate him. Now I'm morning him instead. Today is aspecially hard as I can't stop thinking about him. I wonder to myself why he was chosen to be taken from me in such a horrible way. He passed from a hemangiosarcoma of the heart that ruptured filling the pericardium sac arround the heart with blood. The vet said they could drain the blood but their was a good chance he would pass from the procedure. Then it would of refilled right away or in weeks. It was a bandaid at best. He would of needed surgery, chemo and radiation. All providing maybe up to six month. She also said this type of cancer is very aggressive and had almost surely spread elsewhere in the body. I have since read of holistic treatments that could of helped, and wonder if I made the right choice. I'm having a hard time not blaming myself for giving up so easily. I've been beating my self up every minute of everyday. I'm trying not to have the poor me attitude when I know others are suffering more then me in many ways. But my heart feels empty and if I could of had just a few more minutes to say good buy , I think the grief would be manigable. From the time we arrived at emergency to my finale good buy was only 1h and 30m. He just seemed in distress, with laboured breathing and not able to get up. I could see how hard he was fighting, my big strong 88 pound boy. Reduced to laying down and barely lifting his head. I could not leave him in that condition just to take a few more minutes for myself to say good buy. Even though the vet said he was not in pain, I could see the distress in his eyes and it was killing me. He was my first personal dog, I've had other pets but he was special. Our relationship was perfect and he made me whole. He made everyday sparkle and was always there for me no matter what. No body in my life loves animals the way I do, my husband doesn't seem to understand the grief I feel. He loved Quazar a lot and Quazar loved us both equally. But right now I feel like I loved him more. Though he may just show grief in a different way, I'm trying not to judge. My patience have been none existent recently, that's where Quazar made me a better person. He was truley a gift. I'm hoping that writing to a group who shares their love of pets will help me start healing. Thank you to each and every one of you who have taken the time to read my post. To others that are grieving, I'm sending you all a big hugs. This picture is of him just waking up from a nap, he looks so sleepy, I miss him terribly.
  6. Hello I lost my first dog on Easter Sunday, he was my world. A beautiful black Labrador named Quazar. He was almost 13 years old. It happend suddenly and to fast. I am lost without him. My house is quiet and I'm not sure where to go from here to start healing. If that's even possible. I'm having trouble not blamming my self. We ended up at an animal hospital as he collapsed and had laboured breathing. The first vet we saw thought he had aspiration pneumonia and gave him IV fluids, oxygen and many injections and sent us home with antibiotics. He did not get better which led us to our veterinary emergency 24h hospital. He was diagnosed right away with a ruptured heart tumor. A hemangiosarcoma that burster filling the pericardium sac arround the heart with fluid. Being advised that this was terminal and that treatment would probably be unsuccessful, we let him cross the rainbow bridge. Hardest decision I ever had to make. I am wondering if I made the right choice not to treat, by draining the fluid. I was told that we would only get by hours to days to weeks if lucky. Plus he would of needed invasive surgery and chemo.I did not want him to suffer again or be in distress. I have never been so lost or distraught, my heart is broken and a piece of my soul is gone. I don't know how to come to terms with the decisions I had to make. Not knowing if I made the right choice when their were treatment options. I try and not play the would of should of game. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
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