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About JTP

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    December 2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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    NS, Canada

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  1. I so agree - no one quite knows how we feel. Those who have walked before us (you for me) come the closest but each of us has our own unique grief because we are unique and our relationship with our loved one is unique. Just as the magnitude of our love for each other was incomprehensible by most - so is my grief. I recently read a book titled "Don't take my grief away from me" - and that is a line I want to shout from the rooftops. To me, it is my last act of love with the human being I call Bob. I will learn to have an equally strong, loving spiritual relationship and as I do this - don't belittle my grief, my feelings, my emotions, my love by telling me "I know how you feel". If you have been down this road then you know with absolute certainty that you do not know how I feel.
  2. Thanks Tom for the understanding of the added loss. I feel the "protection" of the trauma/shock is starting to fade and recognition of Bob's death is starting. While many think that five months has passed - I beg to differ. To me I am starting as if he died today.
  3. People often say they do not mention our loved one because "they don't want to remind us", they don't want "to upset us" - do they really think we have forgotten for one minute. why can they not understand it hurts more when we feel that we are the only ones remembering. I will always have Bob with me - I will always want to "keep him alive". I read somewhere that it is not death that kills us, it is being forgotten.
  4. David - of course you want to hold what you love close to you. As with you, my Bob died suddenly, (22 weeks ago today), no warning. I did CPR but always knew from the second I saw him that he was gone and nothing I would do would change that. Having experienced death in that way, we know more than most, that life changes (or rather death happens) in the blink of an eye so I think it is absolutely natural to want to keep things close. You deserve so many hugs for being brave enough, loving enough to let your daughter go do her "stuff". Love and support. And I believe you don't need "to do religion" to believe in the spirit world and know that our loved ones are there for us. They send us messages if we can only learn to "speak" their language
  5. Gwen you are so right - HE SHOULD BE HERE. I struggle so much with people's perception and their level of support/acknowledgement based on their perception. Bob's death has devastated me - it broke my heart and just when I think he can't break any more - it does. Every morning - every night and lots and lots of moments in between. However - his death did not leave me an imbecile. I can pay the bills, I can take out the garbage, I can walk the dog, I can look after the hot tub (look after it - not go in it), I even cut the boards and finished the step to my clothesline that he was working on - I can do what needs to be done BUT MY HEART IS STILL BROKEN. I still cry day and night. I still look for him every where. I still let myself live in la la land and believe he is just gone away and will be back someday BUT I AM NOT OVER "IT". I told my counsellor, I have two worlds - the practical world where I have to do things and my grief world and one has nothing to do with the other YET the outside world only wants to see my practical world. They only want to see that I take out the garbage NOT that I cry myself to sleep every night, NOT that I wake up every morning crying, looking at his picture, hearing his voice saying "mornin" gorgeous - love you". So based on their perception I am OK - I don't need support (or as much as i did) and I want to yell and scream - I do need you to come and talk to me, I do need you to to talk to me about Bob, I do need to know that Bob mattered to everyone (I know he did but I need to hear it from you). I know that everyone has their own life to go back to. I know this and I know they cannot be with me as much as I need them to be. I am just hitting a really rough patch where I feel I need more than the world can give
  6. Thank you and you are right with "time". It seems grief has its own internal clock and it moves very very slowly. Sometime it seems like it hasn't moved at all. Bob died just as the sun was setting. I remember it was light out when I was doing CPR yet the paramedics needed flashlights. It was 4:44 pm so now when the sun sets - to me it should be 4:44 and I cannot figure out how it is still light out at 9pm. As far as I am concerned - it is just the next day. I do believe that Bob is still here with me - he does occasionally send messages (he sent a bob cat to my deck 3 months after he died) but he seems to come on his schedule not mine 😢.
  7. I sit here feeling so anxious. I feel it building - building. Today is five months since Bob died. Funny I can type those words but I don't accept them. I just need to wait - wait and wait and wait - and he will be here again. Today I figured out the difference between forever and eternity - I will love Bob forever - I have to live without him by my side for eternity. Forever is so positive, so happy. Eternity is so negative, so sad and forlorn.
  8. Hi Kay - the one day at a time is my motto. I have a quote I use as a bookmark "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it is the little voice at the end of the daythat says "I'll try again tomorrow" - to me - that is life right now. And Mitch - you are right on the Amazon guy - we may be what is keeping them in business
  9. Thanks Kay. Confirmation of personal experiences as being normal and what others feel (or have felt) comforts. The words to a song keep popping in my mind "I don't want a man I can live with, I want a man I can't live without" and that is who Bob is to me - the man I can't live without. I can do all the things around the house that need to be done - I can work saws and drills and such, the shovelling and lawn care - I can do that too. I can look after the bills and get the groceries. I can do all that. I can appreciate when something is funny - I have laughed since Bob died BUT I can't breathe easily without his presence nearby, I can't do any of the things we did together because he is not there, I can't do anything I didn't do without him because I know I am doing it because he is not with me. I am in a big black hole filled with pain, sadness, loneliness and heartbreak. The best I can hope for is to get used to living here. When this hole gets to be too much - my mind is a wonderful thing. It takes me to my make belief world - where Bob is just "away" and will be coming back - maybe not today or tomorrow but he will be back. I just have to wait.
  10. Mine was May 9th - my first without Bob and did it ever slam me on the side of the head. I was not expecting this. Birthdays were not huge with us - every once in awhile a surprise would pop up and we would have a bigger celebration - but it was a day that he made me feel more special (if that is possible). This year - I think I thought my "gift" would be Bob - he would be back from where ever he has gone. This nightmare would be over. So again - I waited and waited and waited. The more that others did to recognize this day (more than they have done in the past) - the more I felt they were doing this BECAUSE Bob is not here and it made the day worse and worse. I think I will take this day out of the calendar because I know the second and the third and the fourth etc etc will be just as bad as the first.
  11. My heart breaks for each of you - that you have the words to respond to me with love, support and understanding speaks volumes to your own experiences. You are right - it sucks that we needed to join this group - but from these initial responses I can feel it is a place of understanding. People don't want to listen anymore - they have returned to their lives - but seem to have forgotten I do not have a life to return to. My life was wiped out in a instant - what a quote " I have been killed and left alive". Speaks volumes
  12. Thank you for having the understanding and the strength to respond to my pain.
  13. Another Saturday. The calendar tells me it is 21 weeks (147 days) today since Bob died on December 15, 2018. I disagree - it was just a few minutes ago. We had finished decorating the tree, putting up some outside decorations and were out in the yard playing with the dog. It was 4:30 pm. It was a perfect, ordinary day. We spent it together. Happy doing little things. I came in the house - Bob stayed outside to get some Christmas gifts out of the car. I got ready for the hot tub. Went to get a glass of wine for Bob - looked outside and there he was lying on the ground. I ran outside and as soon as I saw him I knew he was gone - I will never forget his eyes. I call 911 and started CPR. Help arrived but Bob was gone. He had no history - no symptoms. How could this have happened? Why did he no stand a chance? I have had the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for - and yet - it has done no good. Bob is still gone. I cannot accept that. I wait and wait and wait. The nightmare has to be over soon but it goes on and on and on. My heart breaks more and more every day. I have reached out to grief counsellors - no help there. As a nurse and bereavement counsellor in the past - I know all the "stages", I know you have to "go thru it" - it is all crap. No one understands. The pain consumes. It has an energy all of its own. I have no energy - I have no interest. I have a dog who gets me up every day. I can't do what I did with Bob and I can't do things I never did with Bob. And don't dare tell me I am stuck!!! One person told me this reaction was my "choice" - and then whenever I "choose" to move forward - let him know and he would help. All I learned from him was how to say NO - when he asked if I would like to talk to him again - I said NO. The second person at least had some empathy but all else she had was a checklist - do this, this and this - it might help. Otherwise time and btw - I know this is awful for you. I wake up everyday - Bob is not beside me. I go to bed every night - Bob is not beside me. In between - there is nothing. My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life is not with me - he cannot talk to me, he cannot hold me, he cannot kiss me or love me. I miss him so much. No one understands. Do you?
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