Hi everyone, I’m a new user. For the past week or more I’ve been looking at everyone’s stories and I am finally deciding to share mine.
In September of 2017 I started dating who I thought was the love of my life. Everything was great for us in the beginning. We did have our fair share of issues but got through them together. We were best friends and lovers. It was like a fairytale honestly. We were both deeply in love and he told me how much he loved and cherished me everyday. But, in April 2019 our friend committed suicide. This friend was his bestfriend, however. During the early stages after our friend’s suicide I noticed things that I thought were normal, such as my boyfriend sleeping for majority of the day and not showing a lot of enthusiasm as normal. But, I didn’t seem to notice the distance growing in our relationship until about a month or so later. I felt like he didn’t feel the same about me and I voiced this to him several times. He told me that that wasn’t the case and that he was spending much more time with his friends lately because of our friends’ death. I tried to be understanding but now as I reflect I think I may have been too hard on him. I was used to being with him everyday and spending time that once that stopped happening like I wanted, I became selfish. I can admit that we were very attached and I was not used to him spending a lot of time with his friends.
There were many occasions where he did things that made me feel left out. For instance, we would make plans but his friends would call and then we’d have to alter our plans or he’d leave me hanging. Each time something like this happened, I got upset and told him how I felt. Towards the end (of our relationship) he started dismissing my feelings and telling me that he’s adjusting to this new way of life (although sometimes he’d do it in such a nonchalant way, almost like “Look, this is how things are so just get used to it”.) Fast forward to this month, June. I could feel the connection weakening: we were arguing most days. We got into a heated argument a couple days before I left for vacation and things turned physical on my part. We talked about it the next day face to face and I promised to never let my emotions get the best of me now matter how he acted, and we ended on a good note. Then, I left on vacay and we got into a small “argument” (wasn’t even as much as an argument) and he said we needed space. It crushed me. I reacted really badly, crying hysterically and begging him not to do this. He acted nonchalantly again. He said this is the best for us right now, that it wouldn’t be fair to me to keep going through this same cycle of him promising me that things would get better but him making the same mistakes. But that he also said he couldn’t put a time stamp on this “break”. I texted/called him for about 2-3 days after this simply begging/crying/getting angry at this decision. I felt that we should have mutually agreed on this and that I should have been given more details on how things would be during this break. Our conversations after this weren’t so good and he acted very cold to me like I’d done something. I tried calling him about 4 days ago only to find out he blocked me. Also, his friends and i were in a group chat and one of his friends removed me from the chat. He also told me he deleted my accounts from his phone. So, I stooped to the lowest level and messaged him on social media. The message reads: “i’m not sure why u blocked me, i’m sorry if i did anything to hurt u. i want to be here for u and am trying to respect ur wishes. but u don’t have to erase me out of ur life, i just want to know ur okay. days without talking isn’t like us... just please let me know everything is ok.” He responded “I’m not i’m just getting myself together”. I said “okay. i am here for u. do whatever u need to do for urself. i love u.” he responded “i love u too”. That has been our last communication. As I look back on our conversations after reading this forum, i realize that i may have pushed him beyond his emotional limits. for a time he put up with this “nagging” that i did, but then it seemed he grew tired. I really hope this is not the end but I am preparing myself for the fact that it may be. I’m confused because it started as “space” but then he blocks me from calling/texting. He said he’d check in on me but now thats impossible unless he plans on doing that through social media which I doubt (plus it’s been 4 days). I will see him in 2 days at our deceased friend’s son’s first birthday party. i am unsure of what to say (if anything at all) when i see him. if him or his friends try to act like i’m invisible it may cause me to emotionally relapse, and i don’t want to do that because i’ve been making slight progress. for this past week and some change I’ve been slowly picking myself back up, figuring out how my life was before he was in it. he is still the first thing on my mind when i wake up and go to sleep. this is all so hard, especially now knowing that he may never come back. I’ve been trying NC for 8 days (although i did break it that one time). I’ve heard nothing from him although he posts. I don’t want to hold on to hope because it’s dangerous, but I cant help it. it’s hard to believe that he can just throw our entire relationship away so easily.
Please, if anyone can offer advice if they have been through anything similar please do.
Thanks
