ruthiew

So his daughter's baby arrived Saturday afternoon, a beautiful healthy granddaughter. Unfortunately, my brother has been worse since her arrival, understandably because he cannot share the joy with his wife. But my brother's demands are becoming more extreme and irrational. When the baby came, my husband was at work, and I was getting ready to take my son to work. My nephew was at work, and my nephew's wife was at a baby shower she had planned for a friend, but they told my brother they would take him to see the new baby the next day. My brother called me on the phone and began yelling at me that he refused to eat dinner alone the day his granddaughter was born, that he was no longer considered a part of the family, and that someone should have called out of work or canceled their plans to be with him. His exact words were " you all should cater to me and drop everything to come to me because I am alone and you all have spouses. " Later I found out that a friend had invited him to her house the day the baby came, but he turned down the invitation because he wanted to be with a family member. I am taking my brother to see the baby this Sunday. He wants my nephew to take him to see the baby Saturday, and he wants me to set up the visit. I said I cannot ever take on the role of the middle person, and that he or my nephew needed to arrange the visit. My brother wanted my help because he cannot text on his phone and he wanted to know the answer at that very moment instead of waiting for a reply. He said he refuses to spend even one day only this weekend, and that he also plans to start begging people to invite him somewhere on Labor Day - not Labor Day weekend, it has to specifically be Monday 9/2. I will try the idea of inspirational cards or notes. I asked my brother for permission to talk with the minister or if he would sign the forms to let me speak with his therapist and doctor, but he does not want to do that. I am just worried he will alienate his kids and will miss out on time with his grand babies. We have suggested some boundaries, and I told him when he sees his therapist this week to ask for some input regarding the guidelines discussed by our family. Thanks again for letting me vent!

Thank you everyone for your help. I am taking some time this afternoon to explore many of your suggestions and resources. One more question - I found out my brother is not being honest with his therapist and psychiatrist. He told me he does his best to be calm and upbeat during his sessions for fear of being admitted to the hospital. I suggested to him that is part of the reason he cannot begin to break free from his cycle of grief. I also told him he is not going to be hospitalized unless he has suicidal thoughts ( he doesn't), or he is so incapacitated that he cannot leave his home, which he is not. Is there any way to convince him that by not discussing his symptoms he is not getting the appropriate support? My brother did attend a grief support group, but he stopped going. His therapist recommended that he see a grief counselor, but he refuses. He cannot find one in his insurance network, although I know he can afford the cost. He was never a church goer, but he did feel the call to join his wife's church last year. In fact, he has lunch with the minister once a month. He tells me that the congregation is young and mostly couples, (actually, he is convinced the whole world is comprised solely of couples, but I imagine that is just how it feels to him right now) so there is no opportunity for social interaction. As a deacon at my own church, I have a hard time believing there is nothing for him, and I have urged him to ask the minister what is available. My brother has recently received several invitations to go out for a meal with different friends, but he turned them down. Then he goes out to eat (he eats every meal out because he doesn't cook and because he doesn't like being alone in his house) and complains that he is the only customer eating alone. Additionally, his diet is terrible, and he often skips breakfast. We talked about the effects of diet on his physical and mental health. Skipping breakfast could definitely contribute to his fatigue and nausea. I like the idea of boundaries. I did try to establish some when my family was on a church mission trip. I told him he could write me once a day, and that I would answer in the evening. I also told him to include one positive comment in every correspondence. He did pretty well, but the last day I received five emails pleading me to write back at a specific time. I managed to stick with our preestablished guidelines, although it is difficult to hear so much pain and remain silent. Thank you again for all the support and encouragement.

My brother's wife died 18 months ago at the age of 65 after a long illness, and our mom died almost a year ago. My brother has social and general anxiety disorders; his wife ran their household. He has been diagnosed with complicated grief, and sees a therapist and psychiatrist. His son and daughter are both married, and live about 45 minutes away from him, and I am 90 minutes away. They visit him every weekend, and email and call twice a week. Both are expecting their first babies, one next week and one in January. I live with my husband and teenage son. My brother emails us at least 20 times a day, and calls frequently, telling us how upset he is, that his circumstances are unlike anyone else's in the world, and that it is unfair that everyone in the family has a spouse but him. He expects a family member to drop everything to talk to him or drive him somewhere. He does still drive locally. We all love him and cannot stand to see him in pain, but his demands are affecting our lives and jobs. I offered to help him find a caregiver for a few mornings a week, but he refuses because he only will accept help from a family member. He told me that only family can replace his wife, and not a stranger. I think this is the main issue - he wants family to replace his wife, and we cannot do that. I helped him join an exercise facility and a local museum, but he stopped going to both of those places. I have suggested numerous hobbies, support groups, classes, etc., but he keeps saying he only wants to be with a family member. In fact, in almost every email, he tells me how lonely he is and then asks for suggestions on what to do that day. However, he finds something wrong with every idea I have. He has been worse lately, I think because he knows when the babies come that his son and daughter won't be able to visit him as often, and he is uncomfortable driving alone to their houses. He talked about moving closer to me so he won't be alone, but I think this is a bad idea. My marriage is strained because of the fact that my mom lived with us for a while, and I am still settling her estate. I don't think my marriage can stand taking on another person to care for. Does anyone have suggestions on how to help my brother? I am currently trying to cut down on the number of emails I respond to, because I don't want him to become dependent on me. I am a teacher, and when I return to work, I will not be able to respond during the day. He begins every communication by saying he is sorry to bother us but our families and bosses should understand because his situation is different, he is the only family member isolated and alone, or he is having an emergency. Thanks for reading all this.