My brother's wife died 18 months ago at the age of 65 after a long illness, and our mom died almost a year ago. My brother has social and general anxiety disorders; his wife ran their household. He has been diagnosed with complicated grief, and sees a therapist and psychiatrist.
His son and daughter are both married, and live about 45 minutes away from him, and I am 90 minutes away. They visit him every weekend, and email and call twice a week. Both are expecting their first babies, one next week and one in January. I live with my husband and teenage son.
My brother emails us at least 20 times a day, and calls frequently, telling us how upset he is, that his circumstances are unlike anyone else's in the world, and that it is unfair that everyone in the family has a spouse but him. He expects a family member to drop everything to talk to him or drive him somewhere. He does still drive locally. We all love him and cannot stand to see him in pain, but his demands are affecting our lives and jobs. I offered to help him find a caregiver for a few mornings a week, but he refuses because he only will accept help from a family member. He told me that only family can replace his wife, and not a stranger. I think this is the main issue - he wants family to replace his wife, and we cannot do that.
I helped him join an exercise facility and a local museum, but he stopped going to both of those places. I have suggested numerous hobbies, support groups, classes, etc., but he keeps saying he only wants to be with a family member. In fact, in almost every email, he tells me how lonely he is and then asks for suggestions on what to do that day. However, he finds something wrong with every idea I have.
He has been worse lately, I think because he knows when the babies come that his son and daughter won't be able to visit him as often, and he is uncomfortable driving alone to their houses. He talked about moving closer to me so he won't be alone, but I think this is a bad idea. My marriage is strained because of the fact that my mom lived with us for a while, and I am still settling her estate. I don't think my marriage can stand taking on another person to care for.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to help my brother? I am currently trying to cut down on the number of emails I respond to, because I don't want him to become dependent on me. I am a teacher, and when I return to work, I will not be able to respond during the day. He begins every communication by saying he is sorry to bother us but our families and bosses should understand because his situation is different, he is the only family member isolated and alone, or he is having an emergency.
Thanks for reading all this.