i lost my dad months before my 18th birthday, very suddenly. he died from a heart attack and i could have never seen it coming. i always feared death, dealt with my own suicidal thoughts due to depression, so death was on my mind often. i thought about the pain of losing a parent never being able to fathom the idea of that pain, never thinking i could ever go through that and make it out the same. this is the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced and my whole life has been painful. i have a lot of thoughts when i think about him, how i held resentment towards him for believing he wasn’t there enough for me, for not understanding me through my roughest patches, for rejecting his love because i have forever been incapable of accepting love. i think about how i took him for granted so much, i didn’t call him enough, i didn’t listen to his advice because i believed it was coming from a condescending place. why is it, that when someone dies you understand their words so much clearer? i just turned 18, it was the first birthday he wasn’t there for. i am growing and his advice has given me clarity but i can’t help but think about how he isn’t going to be there to see me use any of it, or to be proud of me. i can’t help but think about how he only saw me struggling and will never get to see me succeed. i thought there would be levels to grieving, stages, but sometimes i am numb to it. not necessarily in denial but just numb. then, i want to feel it because i feel like something’s wrong with me, but when i feel it fully it’s the most painful thing. i know there’s no guideline for these types of things, no experts, i just need advice. this just feels so, idk there’s no words to describe it. people also told me they feel their loved ones after they’re gone, they dream about them, they think about how they’re looking down on them. why don’t i feel that? i feel like i can’t pray when everyone is telling me to because it doesn’t feel real. he just feels gone and the god they’re speaking of just feels like someone who took him away.
