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Norma0909

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Everything posted by Norma0909

  1. Being outdoors is always good. We used to go fishing all the time. We haven't done anything since my baby boy went home to join Baby G. For the last few months I have left the house for quick grocery shopping, to buy Benjamin flowers, & to visit him only. I was really hesitant but decided to go fishing & take my babies with us for pictures. Hubby was surprised & loved it, I loved taking our little ones pictures near the water. Stayed to ourselves which was good, we did make an attempt to maybe grab food somewhere....as I walked in, I see this beautiful baby boy only a few months old & I completely lost it.... needless to say we ordered to go. Other than that, it was as good of a day as possible.
  2. Thank you for checking on me, having a really hard time. My husband's birthday is this Saturday & that's the one year anniversary where we found out Baby G was on the way, it was so special. After losing my Baby G in Feb., Benjamin helped us look forward to the future again. Now with both my babies gone, I'm just so lost. I know neither of us want any kind of celebration but I may get us to go fishing. He loves it & I love being near water, maybe cold fresh air will help a little. Thank you again.
  3. Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry your sweet twins went to heaven too soon. Thank you for your words, I'm trying but I miss both my babies so much. I kept thinking about my Benjamin so much & so vividly on Friday, I actually looked for him....I was shattered when I realized what I was doing & that he'll never be in the room that I look for him in. I definitely need to get myself more distractions to give myself "breaks". As Marty said, I need to take this in smaller bites, little by little, I keep forgetting to do so. It's so hard when all I want is my babies but as everyone says time will help.... Thank you again for your words.
  4. Thank you. I need to make sure to remind myself of these things & take it a moment at a time. Little by little.
  5. Thank you for these articles, I'll read them soon. Having such a hard time right now. I just want to be unplugged from this reality...
  6. I just want to hold and kiss my sweet boy again, I miss him so much.
  7. Thank you! You're right, life is definitely not fair. I would never wish this pain on anyone. We lose everything, my babies, the life we planned with them, the future, the holidays that should be filled with their laughter & smiles. Every day I ask God to let me be with them. They're all I can think of. I need my Benjamin, my Baby G.
  8. Thank you, and no worries I wasn't offended. I hadn't bought anything for Baby G, for Benjamin we received a lot of gifts for him, the diapers we wanted to stock up on......its hard but I won't throw out anything, it all belongs to my sweet boy. Thank you for your response, I'm just so lost without my loves.
  9. I can't stop crying. I miss my baby boy so much. I just want to be with him. My beautiful Benjamin, my sweet Baby G, its hard to want to live in a world where I can't hold my babies. On Friday I was going to take out his diapers & wipes, it hurts to see them but as we were taking them out I broke down, I couldn't let them go. I know my boy will never use them but they were for him. I had to keep them. I don't know how to do this. It feels like I'm merely existing waiting to be reunited with my babies. Its all I want.
  10. Thank you! We're staying with my folks right now, we came home for some things today, I walked into one room & saw Benjamin's diapers & wipes that we had bought him. Walked into our room & saw all the gifts he had received. I hugged his "my first bear" teddy bear tight & cried like as I did day one. I miss my baby boy & Baby G so much.
  11. Thank you! I'm having such a hard time without my babies, some days feel like I'm simply existing & other days as if I have to remind myself to breathe. Thank you for your words, it helps to hear others mention my babies without telling me to "move forward". I ordered the book, Navigating the Unknown, I should receive it tomorrow, thank you for suggesting it. Again thank you all for your kind words.
  12. Thank you both, although I miss him in a way I've never missed anyone, I'm so grateful for the time I had with him. So thankful to have taken so many pictures, they're all I have to hold on to.
  13. My sweet beautiful boy is irreplaceable, he will forever own my heart & my soul.
  14. I should have...after my first child Baby G, I would go numb when people would say these things, & now with Benjamin, I go numb, get upset, & shut down, thinking what is wrong with these people in saying such things. They wouldn't tell a mother who lost her 2 year old son don't worry you can have another, what makes them think our babies are any different, what makes them think another child will replace our baby & the pain will magically go away. Each day is full of pain without my son, I go to the cemetery a couple times a week, I look at his pictures & videos I took of him everyday. When I hear such "helpful" hurtful comments, I wanna yell he exists! I love my children just as much if not more as they love theirs. I hope one day I won't shut down, I hope to speak up, & tell them how hurtful their "helpful" comments are & hope they'll never say such things to any other mother or father who lost their babies, who lost their whole world.
  15. Thank you, I hope to wake up one day & though the pain will always be there hopefully I'll become a new me that doesn't dread waking up everyday even though I hardly sleep. Kayc, I'm sorry for the losses you suffered & the pain that was caused through people's inconsiderate comments. I don't think they realize how painful a simple question like do you want kids or have kids is when you've lost your babies. My PCP yesterday told me "don't worry you're young you'll have more kids", as if Benjamin was something I could just replace. I literally stopped listening once she said that. Marty, thank you! I just received the first book this afternoon, I'll definitely get this book as well. My husband griefs a lot different but I can see his pain. I'll definitely get this book for him. I will check out the links you've sent me as well, thank you so much!
  16. Thank you, I'll definitely try & hopefully we'll find a good one for us. I've ordered the book that was suggested as well. I have no desire to live or try but I have to for my husband, he has been incredible throughout all of this & I know he's just as heartbroken. Thank you for your advice on the support group.
  17. Thank you both so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot & help during this deep pain that exists more than I feel I do. At times it feels like instead of one day at a time it's more one minute at a time. And yes, many people seem like they don't know how to respond & instead of just being there they say things that are the opposite of helpful. My husband was so worried about me he found us a counselor, we've seen her just a few times but she's helped. We'll continue to do so at least until I feel that I can breathe for myself again. He wants us to go to a grief group soon, I'm hesitant but it may help to be with others who share this pain. Unfortunately I wasn't aware of Infant & Child Loss Awareness Month until losing my babies, as I've read you don't realize the resources out there until you become a member of a club that no parent should ever be a member of. I will definitely read the article & check out the book. I am so sorry for the losses that you both have suffered. It gives me hope to see that you both have been through this & yet I can feel the strength that y'all have. Again, thank you both for your kind words.
  18. I feel so lost everyday, December 2018 we found out we were pregnant on my husband's birthday, we were so happy we cried so much, we quickly started planning for our little one, Baby G. In mid-January we found out our little ones heart was no longer beating, we didn't want a procedure & we had a miscarriage on February 07, 2019, we were heartbroken. A few short months later we found out I was pregnant again with our son Benjamin. We were so happy & so scared, afraid of losing him too. We finally made it to the "safe zone", second trimester. We were house hunting for a better neighborhood for my son. Received gifts for him at his gender reveal party. Planning our lives with him. The weekend we were supposed to look for furniture for his room, I started having bad cramps then bleeding, we arrived at the hospital praying to God, begging Him that our worst fear was not happening. I was admitted into labor & delivery & was told I would be delivering our son that night at just 19 weeks pregnant. We were incredibly heart broken & cried for hours. Our son was born at 8:07 the next morning with a beating heart. We got to hold him & kiss him & be with him for a day & a half. We were so happy to see our boy, and so heartbroken at the same time. Our dreams, our future was shattered. Having to hand our son over to the lady from the funeral home was the hardest thing we've ever had to do. My sweet Benjamin went home on September 09, 2019 to join his older sibling Baby G. I've never felt so heartbroken & so lost. I wake up wishing God would've just taken me with him. Or praying that He takes me now because I have no interest in living without my beautiful boy, without my babies. I don't want to live without my baby boy. People have told me I need to "try to move forward" &/or "choose to live"...I have no clue how I would begin to do that when I'm crying, aching to be with my sweet beautiful Benjamin everyday. How am I supposed to "choose to live" without my greatest love...
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