Satchel

Ever since my sister Peggy, 46, suddenly passed away two weeks ago I feel like I’m just a jumble of separate emotions that don’t understand eachother. Peggy had the flu and then in a span of 40 hours it went from something is wrong to her kidneys were shutting down to her being gone. I feel heartbroken, guilty I didn’t notice something wrong sooner, guilty I had to make the decision to let her go, oddly lost as she was autistic and I grew up knowing when my parents pasted it would be me to care for her, sad knowing that she was so mad at me for taking her to the hospital that first night, I feel like a horrible daughter for not being stronger for my mom, and so much more. The simplest of tasks or questions are confusing mazes. Where does one even start to begin healing?

I lost my 46 year old sister, Peggy, two weeks ago and I feel like I am standing in the middle of a dessert and all I see is nothingness. My sister was 9 years older than myself and autistic. I was protective of her from the beginning and always understood that when the unfortunate time came when my parents were no longer with us that it would be my job to care for her. This was reinforced when my father passed away years ago. I was forced to move back home to help care for my sister and my mom who has some health issues of her own. Two weeks ago my sister got the flu. Four days later something seemed off and an ambulance was called. The next 40 hours was a whirl wind. It went from she was dehydrated to she is in kidney failure to she needs to be air lifted to a bigger hospital to you need to decide do we let her go or try treatments that probably wont help to her being gone. Now i feel like I lost my best friend; blaming myself as I should have saw signs of a problem sooner and got her help; feeling guilty for deciding to let her go; feeling like I should be a stronger daughter for my mom; feeling like I dont know what my life looks like; feeling like it should have been me and not her because she was so innocent to the world. I don't know where I am suppose to go from here or even what the first step is.