First of all I am sorry for all of your losses.
I want you to know that you are helping others. I am sure there are thousands who read your stories without your knowing.
The vast majority of those of you who share stories are women so I guess more stories from men would be welcome.
I am close to 50 and had been together with my 5 year older ex for a year. We had a wonderful and passionate time together but
halfway through our relationship her already old and sick dad got diagnosed with cancer. It took about 4-5 months before he passed.
Foolishly I thought a person would prepare for this. How wrong was I. 5 days before he died I sensed she was started to shut me out.
She went out of town and stayed with her father on his deathbed during this period and we would only communicate via texts.
Afraid to disturb her and the family I didn't call but I followed up all the time and made it clear several times that I was there for her
and that I loved her. Normally we communicated every single day on Messenger but she switched over to texts when shutting me out.
When she asked me to meet up for a coffee a week after his passing I knew trouble was coming, especially since I had not been given
any information about the funeral.
Let me make this clear: her reason for breaking up was not her but me. I was not working enough, not finishing some minor work in
my(!) appartment after the renovation and not hitting the gym like I used to. For the record: we did not live together. Good work ethics
was the most important thing she had been taught by her father and she couldn't understand how I could choose to live my life the way
that I did...In all honesty, I have had a few bad months not succeeding finding a new business, getting a light depression from smoke
quitting and seeing my father hospitalized with a brain trauma. But I do have a supercar in the garage and money in the bank so I am not
exactly a deadbeat. She is a machine when it comes to work and chores. Not one sick day, not one broken appointment. Therefore I helped
out with what I could and also suggested that she should slow down on a couple of things. I helped her moving back to her house, making
dinner, servicing and detailing her car and repairing windows in her house etc. I had the time to do this and it also made me happy to help.
But sitting down with her that day made me feel like the worst person in the world. Like so many of you already have told - it came with no
warnings at all. Prior to the day she started pulling away from me it was all hugs, I love yous etc. Not once have we sat down to discuss
problems in our relationship because there haven't been any major concerns. I told her that doing it this way was not fair and that I had
been given no chance whatsoever to potensially fix things. Her reply was that she at "least needed to get away from this".
At that point I was so dizzy and felt so sick from depression and anxiety I just said goodbye, hugged her and left. I was so shocked from
this behaviour that I was not sure if this was real or not. I felt like observing myself and the situation from the outside. I know her as 0%
superficial, down to earth and one of the most just, fair, sweet and caring human beings I have ever met.
This was Friday the 20th of September. On Monday I drove by her office and dropped off the birthday present I had bought a long time
ago to the receptionist. Didn't hear a thing from her. A couple of days later I saw online that the funeral(to which I was never invited) was
to be held Friday, the 27th. I thought the decent thing to do was to send my formal condolences so I sent a straight forward card&flowers
to her home address on the 30th. She thanked me by text the same evening, hoped I was doing fine and wishing my dad well. I answered
with a heart.
Those are the only occasions I have contacted her. No calls, no texts, no messages on Facebook. No nothing. And this is the hardest
part because there was nothing more would have wanted than to reach out and do whatever I took to help her. If cutting off a finger would
have taken away her pain at that moment I would have done it. The same week I fixed my appartment and then some in order not to go
insane. Spent 4 hours just cleaning the tiles in a small bathroom. I have cried, screamed, despaired and gone through the whole spectre
of emotions. Then feeling guilty of grieving when I know that her pain is much greater. It's close to a miracle that I did not knock anyone
out during this period because I have been without a fuse and a complete mess for a couple of weeks. I cried in front of her once in August
when I was convinced my dad was going to live the remainder of his life as half vegetable. Maybe she saw me as weak after seing me
deteriorate a bit. It seems like many people confuse crying with weakness. How wrong are they.
In the words of the wise Hunter S. Thompson - when the going gets tough the weird turn pro...
The fighter in me responded. I started going for long walks. There is nothing better than long walks for clearing the mind. Then I hit the
gym. Hard. 6 times a week. In the morning. Boxing and lifting weights. Still going for long walks in the evenings. 7 days a week.
But most important of all - I discovered all of your stories. In my eagerness to find answers to this absurd situation I was put in I stumbled
upon this forum. It has been of tremendous help to me knowing that I am not the only one experiencing this and that there is nothing more
that I could have done to prevent the breakup. I could have handled this period better but I did the best that I could at the time.
Every day I wake up I feel stronger and better. It's been 5 weeks since she broke up with me and the hurt is already different. I cried when
typing this post because I truly love her. But the sorrow is not so much from missing her or wondering how she is coping with life, it's more
from hope fading. October the 10th she sends me a text thanking me for the gift saying she thought the package was business related...she
hoped I was doing well and was wishing my dad a speedy recovery. After a couple of hours I responded politely that I was glad she liked the
present and hoped she and her family was doing well. I wrote I was doing fine and that my father is going to be close to the man he used to
be. No answer, end of conversation. 2 days later on a late Saturday night I get a text from her. Directly translated: "I am very happy to hear
that your father is doing so well." Say what? 2 weeks later I still don't know what to answer. I don't even know if this was a single message
or a part of the conversation 2 days earlier.
Anyway, no contact is the way I chose and I did it because of you guys sharing your experiences. I haven't had a good night's sleep in 7-8
weeks but last night I slept for almost 9 hours. Feels absolutely fantastic. At least now I am going to become the best possible version of
myself, hopefully smarter and more humble. Hard work is key to many things in life but it's not enough. We also have got to work smart in
order to maintain or improve. Already now I can tell that my ex probably learned to work instead of addressing and resolving certain issues.
Her communcation with me was not the way I would expect my adult partner to behave in this situation and I felt more like one of her kids
who had greatly disappointed her. This leads me to my final questions - how is she going to react when her mother dies? Or one of her
brothers? Or what about the day one of my parents die? I have absolutely no idea how I am going to react when that happens other than
being totally shattered but I am going to do my best to explain what is going on to my surroundings. I am a lonely child and I don't have any
kids so I am prepared to be alone when going through this. One thing is for sure - out of a thousand times I would one thousand times
choose to face that sorrow on my own rather than being together with a partner I can't count on.
