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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Elc90

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    1
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Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    daughter
  • Date of Death
    10/01/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    merseyside

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    england

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  1. Hi everyone, I'm new to this whole forum thing! But I wasn't sure what else to do. A friend advised me to maybe start writing a journal as I'm having trouble coping with the fact my Dad's gone. Then I found this online forum and thought maybe instead of writing where no one can see it, why not write where people can reply and maybe share tips, stories and maybe help another person out. So I'm going to start by telling my story. I lost my Dad 10th January 2017. I know it sounds like forever ago to other people but it feels like only yesterday to me and my family. He was diagnosed with cancer in mid November, after becoming paralysed down his left side on 29th October 2017. It was a horrible journey for my Dad. Watching a man who was such a hard working, active being go from a happy, funny, ball of energy to someone who had lost 3-4 stone and couldn't move out of his bed was absolutely heartbreaking and still is to even think about it. After spending a few weeks in The Walton Center in Liverpool, he had his full diagnosis which was Metastatic Melanoma, and a brain tumour the size of a golf ball on his motor cortex part of his brain, he returned home but on palliative care. He started having seizures at home which eventually led him to being back in hospital. Talking about all of this now is giving me that whole feeling of loss again, you know the one where your heart and stomach actually ache from it all 😭. On Tuesday 10th January we got a phone call at dinner time to come up to the hospital as my Dad was deteriorating very quickly. His stomach had ruptured and was causing him alot of pain. He was then put on a morphine driver and we done everything possible to be there for him. I watched and watched him, every breathe he took I thought was his last. Then at excatly 5:27pm, he took that last breath. My whole life froze, everything around me stopped. And I don't feel like it's re started since then. Every night I go to sleep, I see that image of him in that hospital bed, I see the pain in my families faces, I hear the cries and they just won't go away. For someone who is a massive part of your life to just be gone withing 10 weeks of diagnosis is an awful feeling and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I miss him so so much, I feel like I'm stuck at times on the fact my Dad's has died. I feel like I have lost alot of people because of it, it affected a relationship which I'm no longer in, it's affected family relationships, I suffer with anxiety really bad. I just really don't know how to cope with it any more. People say it gets easier, but does it really? Or is it something I just have to cope with? I have alot of happy times in my life, but my dad's always there, he's always missing. I'm always thinking about him even when I'm busy doing normal things, having normal nights out with friends etc. Im hoping that's there's going to be people who understand this story and how I'm feeling, as alot of people around me truly don't understand what it's like losing a parent which isn't their fault, they haven't had the experience and I'm so glad none of them have had too! So please, if there is anyone, feel free to reply and share advice 💜
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