mandy57

My Mum passed away 30 September 2019 She was Diagnosed with Vaginal Cancer in February (this year 2019) but after 6 weeks of treatment. radiation, chemo and brachytherapy, we were told the tumors had gone. The pain in her stomach still persisted and we were told it's a radiated colon and will eventually heal. The pain became progressively worse and she was admitted into hospital again on the 23rd September, and after a scan she was diagnosed "severe diverticulitis". She went into hospital on the 27th for the doctor to drain a pouch that was infected and she would get immediate relief. We were all so, so positive that there was eventually an end to the pain in sight and assured once again that it wasn't cancer, she had had a scan that showed it to be diverticulitis. The doctor put her under anesthetic and went in to drain the pouch, only to find a huge cancer tumor. She came back from theatre with me thinking it was all over, only to be told she had less than 24 hours left 💔 She passed on the Monday morning. Apparently the tumor was hiding amongst or behind all the swelling from the radiation. My Mum and I were extremely close, I'm a only child (56, grown up and married with kids and a Grandson) We had never lived more that 5 min walking distance from each other and spent every morning together for the last 12 years, since she retired. Never been apart for more than 3 weeks in my life, and never gone more than a week without talking to each other. I don't know if her story has anything to do with the way I am feeling now, a month later but I'm really battling to come to terms with it. I'm not cross or angry with the doctors as i know they did their very best and certainly didn't want that outcome. I don't have any regrets, as we were best friends and were always there for each other, I was there with her when she passed and it was peaceful as she was on a high dose of morphine. I cry every day and have a constant "replay loop" going on in the back of my mind of things we did together, going back from last month to years ago. It's vivid and constant no matter what I'm doing, whether it's having supper with my family, watching TV or anything at all it doesn't stop going. I'm not sleeping and don't have any appetite. I find it hard to leave my house, as everywhere I go I think of her and when we were there together (we went everywhere together, she didn't drive and I liked her company) and cry so bad people look at me as if I'm crazy. When I do eventually go to sleep I wake up thinking, " This is it for the rest of my life, I will never see or hear my Mum again" and find I can't breathe and want to jump out of bed and run (goodness knows where to but the urge to run is so strong) Is it "normal" to still be feeling this four weeks later ? Are there any coping techniques I could use? I'm very fortunate in that I have a loving and very supportive husband and can talk to him about anything. He wakes up with me and comforts me but it's taking a toll on him as well as he has a business to run. We have booked to go away in December, taking my youngest daughters friend with us for company for her, I don't want to be a sniveling wreck and spoil it for everyone but I just don't know what to do ! PLEASE HELP