Neloa Jones

I feel your grief so deeply: the pain, the anger, and oh the aching regret and guilt. When reading about Parker, I think I am reading about my own loss, about sweet Stubbie. She was prematurely euthanized on 10/22/19. I can't forgive what I've done nor make sense of it. I can't sleep, eat, all I do is cry. I can barely get out of bed. How do I explain Stubbie's death to her brother and sister? How do I express this intense suffering and guilt to my husband? I am always in tears. I am so angry with myself and with the vet. It wasn't time for little sweet Stubbie to die.

On 10/219 I prematurely allowed a vet to euthanize my little sweet Stubbie. I feel so much pain and anger and guilt. I can barely get out of bed or eat. I cry all day. I cannot explain to my husband what's wrong with meo I cannot care for Stubbie's sister and brother who are surely grieving her loss as well.

Against my instincts I allowed a vet to euthanize my little Stubbie on 10/22/19. I am filled with remorse, regret, guilt, pain, and anger. I can barely get out of bed; I cannot eat or sleep; I just cry all day. I cannot properly care for Stubbie's two sibling's because I am too distraught. I cannot explain to my husband what I am feeling. I just cry all day. Stubbie trusted me to keep her safe. I'd fed her with a milk bottle when she was just three weeks old.

I absolutely understand your grief and anger, your feelings of guilt and regret. I failed my sweet little Stubbie when (against my instincts) I allowed a vet to euthanize her. Stubbie was killed on Oct 22, 2019. She had become lethargic, her appetite had decreased, and she no longer wanted to go on her walks with her brother and sister. I thought she might be in pain but I wasn't sure so I took her to the vet. He diagnosed her with arthritis and prescribed a 10-day steroid, which made her vomit. A few days later I took her back to the same vet who then hospitalized her and did blood work. The next morning, the vet informed me that my Stubbie had a toxic liver, was in great pain, which he could not manage. He indicated that her toxic liver was caused by an intermediate soft tissue sarcoma (cancer). Yes, she had been diagnosed with cancer, but her tumor had been removed months prior; the cancer was in remission. Even the cancer report indicated that Stubbie would live 2-4 years. But the vet continued to insist that she was in pain and that he could not manage her pain bc her liver had become too toxic because of the cancer. When I later reviewed the blood report, I realized that pancreatitis and hypothyroidism had not been ruled out, both of which were very treatable and which could have easily affected her liver. I realized too late that it wasn't the cancer at all causing her illness as the vet insisted. But it was too late because in my great fear that Stubbie was suffering I allowed the vet to euthanize her. I allowed it all the while knowing that all Stubbie wanted to do was come home to rest and get better. I realize that I should have waited to make the decision. I should have sought a second opinion. I should have brought her back home where she was happy and comfortable, where she would at least be able to say goodbye to her siblings and they to her. I miss her so much, her big brown eyes looking up at me, trusting me to keep her safe, and yet I failed her, an unforgivable failure on my part. At just three weeks old I held Stubbie in the palm of my hand and fed her using a milk bottle when her own mother was no longer able to nurse her. I had kept her along with her newborn siblings safe for 15 years and seven weeks. She trusted me and when she needed me most, I let her down because I didn't trust my own instincts, didn't do research before I agreed to let her be killed, didn't get a second opinion as I should have, ignored her silent pleas to take her home and instead let her be killed on a cold hard table without so much as having her own bed and blanket. I am so ashamed.