Nichole,
I am so sorry for your loss. I always tell people when there is a difficult choice to make, the hardest one is usually the right one.
I am 61, and love animals more than most humans so I have had to grieve many animal deaths in the past. My cat Buff we got when I was about 10. I loved him so dearly but when I was 21 my sister's new doberman attacked and shook him making him basically brain dead. my sister took him to the vet and called me. I went to say good bye and have hime euthanized. they let me be with him on the hard aluminum table but when the vet gave the medicine he let out the most awful scream and I went running out. I was so very traumatic for me, and probably him. that was my first experience with euthanasia. it was horrible. I have euthanized many other pets since (with a much better experience) because I am so much older than you and can't seem to live without a pet.
we need to hear from others that we made the right choice and from what you said there is no doubt in my mind you absolutely did. and in a beautiful way, in her home with her loving owner. it is, in my mind, the HARDEST thing I have ever experienced. i have grieved pets harder than my beloved grandma, whom I loved dearly. I feel shame to say that but it's true. just this year we lost our 17 year old dog, 8 year old favorite cat, our 2 new little bunnies (they just died, we have no idea why) and last week I had to euthanize my horse. that's what brought me to the site tonight. this is SO HARD. this is different because there was an alternative.
this is a different experience for me because the horse was healthy but had progressive navicular syndrome causing chronic hoof pain. there is no cure. he lived in a boarding stable as I live in the city. i had him 9 years and spent thousands in vet bills and farrier bills, not to mention the basic board bills. I could have found him a home as he could do ok in a pasture for a while as a pet but the fear of him being mistreated or not cared for properly was so great I just could not take that risk. I THOUGHT.
now I am killing myself going between grief and regret and remorse. I know 2 people who re-homed horses and one said she wishes she had euthanized cause he wasn't cared for at all and my sister just rescued her old horse from a re-homing and found him in pretty bad condition. she drove 2,600 miles to get him back. my horse was so spoiled i called him a pet. he was a pet. I'm praying I made the right choice too.
my sister reminded me that animals are very stoic and avoid showing pain because it makes them vulnerable. sounds like Lulu was showing pain so you did the hardest thing for YOU and the best for your LULU. you are suffering, she is at peace. it's the most generous thing we can do, I think.
in my experience the things that have helped me are time (the pain does lessen), cry, cry, cry. take time off work, a few days. It's ok if you can afford it. keep talking about it. keep writing on the forum. Do some journaling. I know you were sobbing when you wrote that, like me, but it's therapeutic. WRITE Lulu a goodbye note and I like to make a little shrine (not now, after you've healed a bit). be good to yourself.
I'm sure you will get support here on the forum. Sometimes knowing you are not alone in your grief is helpful. You did the right thing. keeping Lulu alive so you didn't have to suffer the grief would have been cruel. you made the right choice.
love,
Karen
