Georgie

I am happy that you have your neighbors dog to give you comfort during this time! I do have two other dogs that I’m trying to show even more love to. But like you said, there was just something about my Georgie. I’ve had dogs my entire life. One of my first memories is with a dog. But throughout all the years and all the companionships, Georgie was my special connection. He was the baby I couldn’t ever have.. but then he brought so much joy and less stress that I truly believe he helped me be able to have my daughter now. One of my friends said something to me that bothered me and I have to say it here because I know there isn’t any judgement and who know if it’s truly.. So 2 days after being my daughter home, we had our first doctors appointment. The pediatrician went over medical and family history. Doctor found out my husband’s sister died of SIDS at 4 months old. The doctor then told me SIDS was genetic and I never knew that! I obviously freaked out! So much that my husband bought the “Owlet” am expensive sock that tracks my daughter O2 levels and heartbeat. Fast forward I have BEEN STRESSING OUT as my daughter was going to be turning 4 months and I knew everyday in that 4th month I was going to be paranoid. Well ONE DAY before my daughter turned 4 months old, Georgie passed away. My friend told me she believes he took JoRae’s place and was saving me from losing her and was her guardian angel. I lost it. Maybe that’s true but my daughter and Georgie both completed my heart and now one is gone. It’s empty. So like you said I really hope one day I can look at his photos and smile instead of feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt, what ifs and I’m sorry(s). This weekend, I ran into a friend who has a French bull dog (you don’t see that breed much in VT) and I instantly picked him up and couldn’t let him go. I wanted to ball my eyes out. I looked around and I could tell I was making everyone feel awkward so I put him down. This is why I don’t know if getting a puppy from Georgie’s breed would help bc I would have one of his siblings. I have mixed feelings if I would be able to love him fully or always expect him to be Georgie. Time will tell.

Kayc- thank you so much for heartfelt reply and telling me your story. I’m so sorry for your loss! One thing they you said that hit me was “you’ve thought about digging him up”. I am relieved you said this because I truly thought I was going crazy when that thought crossed my mind too. I know it’s wrong so no I wouldn’t do it but I would give ANYTHING to hold him one last time and kiss him and tell him I’m so sorry he’s not here with his mama anymore. My goodness I would give anything! My sweet Georgie has been gone 1 month 1 day. I’ve cried everyday. And I started to latch out on the wrong people. My husband and the breeder. Very wrong of me. Another thing I want to mention is when the “rainbow bridge” is mention to me. It’s not peaceful when I think about it. Makes me cry even harder and become even more sad. Everyone says “he is playing and happy and seizure free”. I don’t believe that. Up to last night, I’ve only had one dream.. well nightmare of my Georgie and he was still having a grand mal seizure in my nightmare. I woke up in sweat. Then last night was the first night I’ve dreamt of him and he was running around the house and following me like normal then I remembered in my dream he wasn’t alive anymore and I woke up. I didn’t even get to touch him. I want to believe he is at peace but in my mind he is sitting at the edge of the bridge waiting for me and trying to find me like he always did. Never away from my side, EVER! Dana- I also believe I’m stuck in the “what ifs” because I want to change the story too. Some quick moments I’ve thought “maybe I did the right thing” but mostly I hate myself because I feel like I made the worse decision of my life and should’ve given more time and testing. I’ve also have thought of the life both him and I would’ve lived if his seizures could’ve been managed through more meds but how I would’ve changed his life drastically. I wouldn’t of ever left him play hard in his fenced in yard, play hard with his best friend (older brother), walk long distances, leave a room without me, lay at the edge of the couch anymore in fear of falling off with a seizure. I already had stopped leaving my house on the weekends because I didn’t want him alone. I would’ve have extreme anxiety at work during the week not knowing what was happening.. the list goes on. Would that have been the life he wanted to live? But if the decision was as there again, would I make a difference outcome with being selfish because the pain I’ve felt since oct 23. The loneliness.. Just to stop this crying. Yesterday I ran into a friend who has a French bull dog (you don’t see many in Vermont).. I instantly jumped out of the car and held him and didn’t want to let him go and wanted to cry. But once I realized what I was doing, I put him down. I’ve been talking with the breeder and she’s suggested I take one of her pups and love on him and help me heal?! Would it?! Or would it make me more angry and sad that I have him and not my Georgie?! Would my Georgie be mad?! He was very much a mommies boy and wasn’t a fan of anyone touching me. I’ve emailed an animal communicator who was named on this website. She hasn’t emailed me back yet. I hope she does this week. What should I do? I’ve gone back and forth with picking one of Georgie’s brothers ups to have a piece of him. But then I think, how could I even raise a puppy right now with all what’s going on plus having a 5 month old baby. Georgie was the perfect age because he was trained and already knew how much he was loved before my daughter and wasn’t fighting for attention.

In July 2018, my husband surprised me with a 12 week old blue brindle French Bull dog. I named him Georgie. I wanted a frenchie for years but anyone familiar with the breed know they are very expensive. We have never bought from a breeder, always rescued. After years of miscarriages and giving up hope of having a baby, my husband was feeling like I needed some joy. He saved and surprised me with my Georgie. I remember getting home from work and my husband coming out of the house dancing with this sweet puppy in his arms. I BALLED MY EYES OUT! I was so beyond happy, I couldn't believe it. From that moment on, Georgie was my everything. He even bought SO MUCH JOY into our lives that only 3 months later, we were FINALLY able to conceive my now 4.5 month old daughter. Georgie and her were best friends. It was beautiful watching him love on her. Fast forward to my last week of my maternity leave Aug 19, 2019 at 8:30pm, Georgie was sleeping at my feet as always on the couch. He woke up and started to have a FULL BLOWN GRAND MAL seizure. I started screaming my eyes out as my husband tried figuring out what was going on. I called the emergency vet and they told me to remain calm and stay on the phone until he came out of it. He came out and took about 45mins to come back to normal then was running and playing around. Next day, we bought him to our vet where they checked him. They informed us that this could've been a fluke and might not ever happen again. They said we wouldn't put him on meds unless they became more frequent. THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE! RIGHT THEN AND THERE IF I KNEW 2 MONTHS LATER he would not be here with me, I would've done everything in my power at that visit. After the first seizure, he went seizure free for one month then he had another, then 2 weeks later another, then 1 week later another, then 24 hours later another then came that Tuesday Oct 22, 2019. I had been working with the vet throughout every seizure and on that Tuesday, the vet called in meds and I went to pick them up after work. My husband texted me around 5pm that when he got home there was puke, pee and poop EVERYWHERE in the dogs room. He must've been seizing all day long without me there. I hate myself that he was alone and I didn't know what was happening to him or even to catch him when he fell. I got home about 6:30pm and gave him the meds with some food. He wouldn't take the med and within an hour the worse night of my life started. He started seizing like crazy. I shoved the meds down his throat and I tried calling the emergency vet SEVERAL times with NO ANSWER from them!! My friend who's dog whose been having seizures came over with her rectal valium. That helped a little. In the morning, I bought him to his vet and they put him on IVs. This is where I CAN NOT FORGIVE myself and I can't sleep at night. They gave me the option to keep him there for the day on IVs and see how he does. I agreed but I couldn't leave. I sat in the waiting room. One of the vet techs saw me and asked if i wanted to sit with him. Natural, I said yes. I went back and he was all alone and as soon as he felt me (because I honestly don't believe he could see anymore), he started whining and becoming very agitated walking into the walls of the kennel. I started to get super upset because he seemed to be in pain. (But now with 3 weeks of research under me, who knows if he was in pain?? He might have just been in the post ictal stage and no one was educating me.) They gave me options: one of which was euthanizing him. I didn't know what to do. I balled. I talked to the vet, my husband and my best friend on the phone. In the end with his whining, I was so nervous to bring him home and him start the non stop seizures again, I choose to put him to sleep. They bought us into a room where they gave him a pain med as he seemed to be in pain and thats what knocked him out, which means I didn't get to say goodbye. They gave him the injection and I'll never forget his eyes and deep breath. I started screaming and holding him. I held him in that room until I could tell I needed to leave. I got home and held him more. I went outside and dug his grave then laid in the dirt with him and balled even harder. For days I couldn't eat or sleep. All I did was cry which has been very hard because I've been trying to keep it together for my daughter and 2 other dogs who miss him so much. Their whining was very bad for days after. All I can do when everyone is sleeping is look at his photos and videos and ball my eyes out with guilt that I didn't do more or I put him to sleep too fast because I wasn't educated. I've become not the best person to be around. I say good morning and good night to my Georgie every night as he is right outside my house in the yard he loved so much. I've been talking to the breeder and I have to be honest at first she seemed sympathetic but now I am wondering if this isn't the first pup she's sold with epilepsy. How can I get peace? I miss him so much. I wish I could talk with more people who have experienced grand mal seizures in young pets preferably Frenchies. I pray in the future I can long another dog as much as Georgie but I do not know if that will ever happen because I am so scared this will happen again.