dcr

Thanks Marty for this material. I read all of it. I totally get it. That's why I'm here. All of the Anticipatory Grief signs describe me to a T. I only discovered who Kubler Ross was about 20 years ago when I saw the film about Lenny Bruce. Grief work can be done through private activities such as exercising, reading and writing, and with others through talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. It is an active rather than a passive process, not only of coming to terms with your loss, but also of finding meaning in it as well, so both the painful experience of your loved one’s death and your life without that person will count for something.

Thank you MartyT, I haven't ruled out a therapist. I'm searching for someone affordable to work with me, that might be covered here. I have to make it clear to them that I don't want a prescriber. These issues were renamed, reorganized. I didn't mention here that I also had a treatment for liver pre-cancer that was fiscally unattainable in the USA. But I received it here and after three years there are some residual effects. I'm cured. I didn't want to muddle this with my mother. Her passing is symbolic and has unearthed some deep pain (long distance longing to touch), fear of loss, and fear of death. The Elizabeth Kubler Ross parts of death - is part of my anticipation in this but not all of it because it hasn't happened yet. My mom, is really the last to go for me. So, As I mentioned in KayC's response to her message, is that I'm doing all I can to keep an open perspective but allow others in for support before it gets too hairy- if it does.

KayC, thanks so much for your input and response. My mother is not in denial about her condition. She's expressed her approach as her way to live and cope during her process. Her hospice nurse is going to be in contact with me and she has some very close friends there to reach out to. The therapy thing here is a bit costly and I haven't excluded that possibility. I'm managing my affect with writing, exercise, and doing anything creative to put it out of me as something I can look at and name. There are long buried feelings that have arisen that I have trouble tolerating and it drains me. Sometimes I have to be and allow these feelings to happen and that's the best I can do until there's a lull. So before it gets to be too much- anticipation, I am setting this forum up to listen and help myself along.

Last month my mother who lives in the USA, was recently diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. She & I, had been physically distant for many years. I had many years of therapy to undo some of the issues between us. After those years, we spoke by telephone. In my mind, we had become estranged as parent/ son but became much like friends. I am married, living in Europe, for economic reasons I cannot return to see her. Since we've been talking during the last three years she has told me of her recent diagnosis. They give her a year. She has elected hospice. She will not be treated with chemo, I don't really blame her. Now, I find myself feeling anxious after the shock. I feel fear for her that is connected to my own mortality. I'm 56 years old. She has expressed that she wants to continue living as if she doesn't have cancer. I honor that. She doesn't wish to talk about her illness because it makes her anxious. However, I have no one to talk to and there are no support groups available it the city. This compounds the anxiety. There is fearfulness, depression about her death. I feel like I'm losing it sometimes. I don't want to burden my partner with the same old story when he asks me why I behave the way I do. If this goes on, I'll push folks away because if I can't tolerate my own feelings, how can anybody else? I was awake last night picturing her and sobbing. But my husband was in the other room. I'm trying to study a new language to take a test but I cannot concentrate. There's a part of me dying and when she finally goes, I don't know how I will end up. My other half doesn't know what to do and has emotionally checked out. Things are falling apart. I'm struggling to keep a perspective, but fall short of anger, sometimes denial- then, guilt that I can't be there. I worry about him. I've thought about antidepressants but that's a horrible cycle of "polypharmacy" I don't want to be trapped in, many of my friends in the USA are struggling to get off of them. The other terrible feeling is that SHE is the one who is facing this and all this s*** I'm writing is just all about me and I feel guilt-stricken about that!