uh*I knew that I could never live up to or achieve the level of success and perfection as my older sister. still it gave me a direction that I could follow without feeling so alone with anxiety and trepidation. the fear of being a target in the spotlight for ridicule and laughter should have gotten easier to bear throughout the years in a foreign country. as long as my sister was around to bridge the chasm between my cold parents and public school, things were tolerable. in an instant that fragile layer of comfort and reassurance was torn and shattered just like the acura she was driving on that stormy night that she should not have been driving. she just wanted to stay and celebrate her birthday weekend with her friends at the dorm freshmen year. it was the first time she had made such a request knowing my parents want us to work at the restaurant not caring it was a 2-3 hour drive back to the college never mind the mountain of homework that comes with having a scholarship to Florida institute of technology. but of course the perfect daughter will obey without question. therein lies the tragedy of the situation. they know that I know about their level of responsibility or rather irresponsibly in the actions that claimed my sisters brief 19 years of hard work, study, and no play. how do I not blame or resent them for not being there as good parents for us. I died with her in their eyes and they never existed to me. my repressed childhood bubbles up sometimes. its hurts but men don't discuss this type of pain. we shove it down or drown it out which brings another whole set of problems and issues. I'm lost at how to deal with this the right way. I think I need a little help or advice.
