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Amberley

Contributor
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    17
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About Amberley

  • Rank
    Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Partner
  • Date of Death
    November 1st 209
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Na

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    BOLTON

Recent Profile Visitors

115 profile views
  1. Hi polly, would you be able to give me the name of the person you spoke with? Or the website? That's part of the problem I'm finding. Lots of people are willing to express their interest and good experiences but doing the research all myself seems to be daunting for me.
  2. Thank you for both of these responses
  3. I'm just wondering if anyone on here has tried using a medium to contact their loved ones. I've been researching into it and thought it may be something I want to do but I'm also terrified of being given the wrong information, my faith is barely hanging on as it is and the last thing I want is to stop believing all together. So if you have or even if you haven't what are your thoughts?
  4. Hey Ziggy, I'm right at the beginning stages of my grief and I feel I'm going through something similar. It breaks my hear to know that someone else is struggling the same as I am. some days i feel so heavy, hopeless and just empty. I hope it brings you a bit of comfort knowing most of us on here have experienced the want to give up, and all the feelings that go along with losing a loved one. We are all here for you. Reach out, use this as a safe place to talk about whatever your feeling almost as if this forum is a diary that responds with love. I've found that to be helpful for me.
  5. I agree, It's shaped me to who I am today, nikki and I probably wouldnt have met if I hadnt gone through as much as I had. I'm sorry your past was troubled as well, it's certainly never easy. Thank you for your continued support and kind words ❤️
  6. I feel such a sense of understanding with all of you, each post I read I feel I'm almost writing it myself, or have experienced the very same thing. I've had a lot of trauma in my life, my father passing at 14, being raped and almost murdered at 12, being abused by my step father until 13, being in and out of hospitals until 19, kicked out if my home with my best friend at 20, in a very emotionally, sexually and physically abusive relationship until 21, self harming for over half my life... unfortunately that's really only half of it. then I met nikki. Nikki was the one good thing I ever had, the one thing that truly made me love living, she moved across canada to be with me, she loved me for me and accepted everything I went through without ever a second thought. When I lost her my heart kept beating even though I didn't want it to, I asked if I was good enough, I questioned why I deserved such pain, if somehow it was my fault that all of these things keep happening. Why was it my rapist got to go free, no punishment, but the one person who kept me strong had to go. I think that's why it's so hard to believe or trust in faith. I know it's not for me to understand the plan, but I try so hard to. Everything is so lonely, I miss her so much, just her presence, being around me, everything about her. Of all the things I've gone through, none of them came close to comparing to what this loss feels like for me, I never knew what happiness could feel like, I always assumed I wouldn't make it, but because I didn't know anything other than sadness I suppose I became okay with it. But when i met her i finally knew how everything was suppose to feel. What life really felt like, what happiness tasted like. I never thought I'd be back here in this darkness, this utter loneliness, but this time it hurts so much more because I know what perfect looks like. And perfect is gone.
  7. Thank you kieron, that's so beautiful I'll try to remember that.
  8. It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm alive, I'm still not sure if I'm happy about that or not. Please understand that I use this space as a safe place to talk about my feelings, I am very suicidal but I am getting all of the help I possibly can, but sometimes talking to professionals doesn't feel the same as someone saying "I'm here. I went through it too." Most times I want to give up, I feel my life is so painful now and maybe time will help, but my life has been so messy and so cruel I can't possibly imagine going through more than I already have. Nikki passing away was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and that's saying a lot... I tried so hard to do everything for nikki, I wanted her happy and the best part of our relationship was our endless support for each other, she never once judged me for my mental health and I never once judged her for being transgender. I used to do really romantic things for her, light candles, put rose petals on the floor, I'd bathe her, hold her, anything and everything that made her happy. Heck I even got a job which I didnt think was possible because I wanted to build a life with her, I had dreams and passions with her When I was with her all the terrible things in my life were manageable. But I feel so empty going to sleep every night without her, it's like I'm living in my worst nightmare and all the progress I've made has slipped away from me. I've seen all the signs that she's with me and some have been pretty crazy. But sometimes that just makes it harder? It makes me want to die more, just so I can be with her again. I'm so scared because I cant understand the afterlife and i really wish i could. Not because I'm scared of death, but because I cant emotionally handle never being around her again and that thought haunts me constantly. Her soul was the most beautiful I had ever been around, I was safe, comfortable and never judged, I'm terrified that I will never feel her presence again. My only wish is that when I do die, when I am older and ready to pass that shes there with me, I want nothing else in my life at all. I spent 30 days in the hospital with her, I sang to her every day, I kissed her forehead and painted her nails, I made a name tag for her just so the drs and nurses would use her chosen name, I helped move her, clean her, I talked to her constantly, I downloaded all her favorite songs and played them for her. And although it was the hardest time of my life a part of me wishes I still had that. That i was still able to love and care for her because I feel so damn empty without her. I miss her so terribly. I am so lonely all the time. No matter how many family members and friends I surround myself with no one is her and no one can ever be her.
  9. I think for myself it's still way too early to tell. I miss my partner terribly, I'm not really sure if I hope to find someone again or not. I do feel I already found the perfect person for me, but I also know what makes me happiest is giving my love to others. I suppose as weve all heard so many times. "Time will tell."
  10. Everything you said is totally reasonable. Before my partner passed away she lost the love of her life as well, and now I've experienced it. But it gives me hope because even though the love she had for rose was still strong she found me and our love was just as strong in some ways maybe stronger. So there is hope. If she could find someone, so can you ❤️ you may not be ready and that's okay, it's okay if you never are. I may never be even tho I know it's possible. Somehow it doesnt erase the pain.
  11. Happy holidays to you as well, thank you for your presence and support
  12. I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm also quite young 23 and lost the love of my life and my best friend. It's pretty isolating. My partner passed on november 1st. It's now the 12th and I'm finally not crying every night. I really hope you're finding some comfort and support from this site. I found the thread I made to be quite helpful. Wishing you all the best ❤️
  13. Johnny, reading your memories felt like I had wrote that myself. I felt the same way about my partner, being with her was a dream come true for me, the fact that you're still pushing forward brings me so much hope. Yesterday the movers moved all of our furniture to my mothers. I've been pulling apart boxes, finding all of our photos, even the furniture is hard to look at. We put all of it together, we laughed at the IKEA booklets, our whole life together has been moved to my mothers basement and it's been very difficult for me. On the positive note, I've made a bit of a memory space for her.. our pictures, her glasses, her purse, cards we wrote to each other.. all of her cherished things. I'm not sure if it brings me comfort. It looks nice, I could never throw her things away, I'm just angry that all I can do is make a space for them? That her glasses arent on her like they should be, her purse isnt on her arm.. it just brings me sadness that all i have left is just.. things, memories.
  14. Johnny, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking about you today, congrats on making it a year. I hope in a year I can congratulate myself for the same thing. I know today will be tough on you, I can only imagine. But know that you're loved by all of us here and you can always come here to vent. So very sad, I'm so sorry your just beginning your journey through this grief and you've certainly been given a handful of it. I wish you all the best in the coming weeks. Gwenivere, I'm sorry you don't have any faith, I myself struggle with that all the time. I don't believe in a god, which makes it much harder. I was an atheist for all of my life until this happened and now It is the only thing that brings me comfort. That maybe somehow some way I can be with her again, right now that's all I'm hopeful for. Someone once very wise told me "it doesn't matter if it's TRUE or not, what matters is if it brings you comfort." Kayc, thank you for the post of pointers, I found most of those extremely helpful and it's quite apparent you put some time into it. You seem to be a bit of a rock for most people on here, I see you on almost every forum and I thank you for that.
  15. Hi Katie, I'm pretty new here. I lost my partner very recently and often feel all of the things you described. It doesn't make it easier does it.. its okay to feel angry, cheated, hurt and it's okay to mourn the life you were suppose to live too. I hope you have lots of support around you, and if you don't, I hope you're able to find some here.
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