Dear Mark,
Was so touched by what you wrote that I had to reply. My situation with my parents, so different, but I felt as you did -- in a state of grief before my mom actually and surprisingly died unrelated to her illness.
It became hard to be near her because she was so different than the mother I'd known all my life, the one who I missed. Still we kept laughing together and she stayed tough. I feel great guilt and grief that I was not so tough. Often when we were together, I'd burst into tears, and worse, there were times I did not have the guts to be with her. Four years have passed almost and to this day I can say that although I am happy she's no longer in such ... depair, I remain in a state of self-hate for my inability to ever comfort her. Rather she comforted me.
I'm sure this is note is hardly helpful but I do wish I could be there for you -- you who grieves before the real grieving begins. I have no words to console you. I know looking back I'd do anything to have been a daughter of comfort to my confused and lost mom. I wish you comfort and peace, I wish you'd wake up with the joy of knowing he's still here and the ability to rejoice in that. But honestly, I didn't have that inside myself, I only saw what I was losing, what she was losing, every single day.
I've yet to reconcile myself to my failure to comfort a woman who'd lost two teenage sons when she was still young, then her beloved husband over many years.
Forgive yourself for the pain you feel -- and I promise one day I'll forgive myself.
Peace to you Mark,
Suzanne_132