Hi all, just want to say thank you SO MUCH in advance for all the advice and support. Please help me. im SO sorry for how long this is- but i wanted to be as specific as possible. I am so lost right now- and I am working on accepting the loss of my relationship. But i would love other people's perspective, especially those who have experience with grief , death, and relationships.
I also want to point out - I know i am young, i know and understand people's feelings change, people fall out of love and so on, but please help me understand more clearly what is going on here, cause I am so lost and i can't add anything up.
My ex ( my best friend and former lover) and I met when I was 16 and he was 19. (I am now 24 and he is 27, we dated for 5 years and it ended last month). We immedietly clicked, and became friends. (both mature for our age then). We would hook up and such, but nothing too serious. We always had amazing amount of chemistry even when we were young, and he is not your typical "guy". he has no social media, he didn't have sex just to do it, and truly just enjoys his own company - fast forward to my senior year of high school and he was a sophomore in college 20 minutes away, we started to date. He invited me to his father's house (his father had a unique illness with his liver) and was very ill. My ex always made me feel secure, loved, and respected.
We started to date in October 2015.
A little about me: i am very outgoing, i love building Friendships with people, i am emotional (in a sense of like, I talk about my feelings, and I am very rational about things and always put myself in other people's "shoes." When I love, I love deep. I give my all, but I am also a very independent person. don't get me wrong, I can be needy (cant we all? haha) and i love affection, but I am a very understanding person who never nags people, and is accepting. yes i could be moody sometimes too and had my days, but i had butterflies every time i saw him. everyday.
A little about my ex- he is an introvert, no social media, loves his own company, but was so loving with me and let down all his walls. He is a loner at heart at my opinion, he loves to be alone (he has his strong group of 4-6 friends) but he just isn't a guy who is constantly texting people or going out n so on. He likes to work and do yard work and relax, and go to dinner w his friends a couple nights a week. His parents had a rough divorce when he was 13. his dad got sick, and his mother is a very...."hard" woman. She is kind and pleasant and i miss her, just she just shows her affection in different ways. People and parents show love in different ways, and I feel like his mother showed her love differently. Differently than how I was raised i guess. Sorry if that sounds confusing. My ex and I are opposites, but we have always loved that about each other and we have helped each other grow so much.
I went to college for 3 years 5 hours away, graduated early and moved home while searching for work about an hour away/possible internships in new jersey. (i am currently working in retail) We always saw eachother while i was at school. we broke up once for a week my freshman year, and that was it. 4.5 years later, no break ups, no cheating, no lies, no major fights. NOTHING. No relationship is perfect! Yes we got annoyed sometimes, but we never had arguments. We have known eachother for 8 years, so we just knew eachother so well and how to treat one another. We have this passion for one another, not just sexually, but we just like, completed each other? At least that is how I felt. We had this magnetic connection (i know that sounds so annoying and I know I am only 24, but the feelings we had were just so intense).
Okay, so. His father passed away unexpectedly last October. He went in for a surgery on his liver, had a heart attack, and was on life support for a week. I was there every day, I was there when he passed away. My ex took care of his father, bathed him, fed him, loved him deeply and never complained once for the 4 years they lived in the same house together. When he passed away, my ex was very sad and cried here and there, but started to work on his sisters house right away and that was it. He never seemed depressed (i knew he was hurting but he was not acting in a way that concerned me or affected our relationship). I just figured, okay, he lost his father which is devastating, but he is working hard as always and i'm just gonna let him do his thing. He never talked about it, and it didn't cause any strain on us. I went back to school, everything was normal, and so on.
Side note - my ex has always said he didn't want to get married. He told me 5 years ago. It didn't bother me, as we both don't want children (his sister has 3 kids that's enough for him lol). I always told him, marriage is great and all but i don't need it to make me feel and believe that you love me and will be loyal. He always said we'd be together forever. (I always thought this was a thing cause of what he maybe witnessed during his parents divorce? I honestly never asked too much about it.) Anyways, the marriage thing never bothered me. I truly believed him when he called us family, and said we'd be together, forever.
So when I moved home (i am looking for work an hour away and he knows i have always wanted to work in the city/explore since there is no work for me in our city, but he was always supportive) I had an interview for an internship in a different state- i knew i wasn't going to get it but i of course spoke with him about it and I was freaking out and scared thinking way to far ahead , and he was so supportive, he said "i have always known u have wanted this, so of course i want to be with u if u have to be away again, or i wouldn't have been with you so long". anyways, didn't get the internship, so i told him I am sticking to looking in a city an hour away. I made it clear i wasn't compromising, I just didn't want to move far away after being home for 4 months and realizing i didn't want to be away from him again. That was the end of that convo - it never caused a strain or anything. I made it clear I was no longer looking states away, and that was that. No emotional convo or anything. i live with my parents 10 minutes away from his house.
1 month before the breakup, my ex has me pick what color to paint his house. (what color I want it to be). TWO WEEKS BEFORE- He comes home and shows me what he bought me for his kitchen (for me!) like, permanent items for the wall that he thought I would love. This was weeks before he left me.
Now we are at 2 months ago. (ONE week before his father's one year, one week before he left me, and my ex has been acting totally normal/no signs of anything). It was just past our 5 years. I have been home for almost 7 months, and me and my ex have not had one day where there was a fight. Nothing. The week before the breakup- he is asking me to come over (as usual), making me dinner, and being his same amazing loving self. Us just being Us. No red flags. Nothing, and i have known this person for 8 years, i KNOW when something is wrong or off, you know? like, we KNOW when our lover is having an off day, or they are annoyed, and so on. There was nothing. No lack of interest, no lack of sex, nothing but laughs, kisses, and everything being normal and "perfect".
5 days before the breakup, he asked me if i worked that day. I said yes. he said damn it. (so he wanted to hang out). 3 days before the breakup, i am laying in bed. He comes home from work, runs in the room kind of laughing, gets on one knee (i know what's coming and i know he's messing around) and he puts a crappy ring on my finger and says in a joking voice "will you marry me". it was just a joke since he found ring and we laughed and that was it. THIS WAS 3 DAYS BEFORE HE LEFT ME! 2 days before, an amazing night, great, loving sex, laid in bed, and had dinner. 1 night before. he told me we were going to put up an xmas tree that week. THAT WEEK! normal, went to dinner with friends, he was so normal but got kind of quiet at dinner. i didn't think much of it. (he told me i was too loud at one point, i can be loud lol) and that was it. We came home, I left and went home to my parents to go to bed. Normal night. NOTHING "BAD" HAPPENED.
The breakup-
The day of the breakup- I come over and he's out at the store. He comes home, i get up, go to the living room where he is fixing the paint, we kiss, and i go back to the room. (not a super passionate kiss, just a normal like, hey how's it going kiss). 2 hours later, he comes home from working at his uncles house putting lights up, and he looks pale and terrified.
He sits on the bed and says calmly , "we need to break up, I am not happy, I have been thinking about it, and I want to be alone. I want to be alone" I don't even cry right away- I am in shock. I am like, what? How? why? he said he doesn't love me as much as i love him. I start to cry, he starts to cry, I am just saying your typical "what did i do" he said i didn't do anything. i say, "You don't love me?" he says, "i do, but not as much. I want to be alone." I said, do you need to be with other people? I know we are young but is that what you need? (i knew it wasn't that) I do not scream or anything, not an awful break up or whatever. he says. no, it's not about anyone else, "i just want to be alone and not in a relationship". i cry. we hug. i leave. If you would have asked me 1 minute before he came home "are you guys gonna be together forever?" i would have said yes. And i am not a delusional hopeless romantic, lol.
So, the next day i ask to bring over some stuff and he says yes. We stand in his kitchen and I am very calm and I talk for like 15 minutes. I just said like. i love you, im so sorry for whatever i did (i would 100000% admit if i did anything, or changed, or anything for this to happen! i ALWAYS admit my faults!) he told me all he wants is to be alone. i said we are family and i want him and only him, then I left. Then, I write him an 8 page letter (i know, i know) telling him i was sorry for whatever i did, I am praying for him, and IF and WHEN he decides to be with me again, to let me know. He texts me and says thanks for the letter. that was it. I said your welcome. I didn't expect more, and I was not mad at him at ALL. I just wanted him to have it. I wrote nothing about his father, BUT i did say "i know this is a difficult time for you". i didn't want to totally bring up the loss cause i was scared, maybe it has nothing to do w his father?
2 weeks goes by, i crack and i text him to talk. I did not call or text him once. (i know it would not help anything AND since then, I have not heard from him or spoke to him in a month, i am so confused and i miss my best friend and lover but i said everything i needed to say so the "ball is in his court" now i guess if he ever wants to talk to me or something? ). what would me texting him and saying "miss you" do? absolutely nothing. For the 2 weeks we didn't speak, i replayed every moment in my head to search for signs and answers. NOTHING. I started to take notes of what i wanted to say to him when i saw him again, since it could 100% be the last time i ever see my best friend and love of my life ever again. i KNEW i had to be calm, collected, and not make him feel worse. and i didn't want to make him feel bad. He hurt me yes, but i know he didn't mean to i guess. and i want him to be happy and healthy. He did not want to talk, but i texted him "please i need this to move on", and that i would not reach out again. He agreed to talk to me.
when we met, i first apologized for essentially pressuring him to meet with me (he said no at first (i knew he wouldn't want to cause he is NOT confrontational/doesn't talk about his feelings). He said it was okay. I asked him how he was, he said shitty. (i figured cause of us and his dad). I was very calm, did my makeup (tried not to look like i was dying inside lol) and my voice was shaking, but i was staying so strong.
Also. side note. i never mentioned his father's one year to him. I was scared it would trigger something or make him mad at me? I didn't want him to think " oh she's telling me i'm leaving her cause i'm sad or something?" so i didn't. it wasn't my place i guess.
I said, PLEASE. Just be honest. Nothing you say will hurt me. What made you lose interest in me and our love? he said, "you didn't do anything, i want to be alone." i said, you just want to be alone? you don't want me? and he said yes. he said, he just FEELS like he wants to be alone more. I told him "i know i have had different ideas of where i have wanted to work n be, but since graduation i have realized i want to remain close and i envision my life with you. I ALWAYS have seen my life with you even when i thought i'd work somewhere else for a year, you're a constant in my life and i want to continue to grow with you"
HE said. "you envision your life WITH ME like that, i envision my life, going to work and coming home to NO ONE"
i couldn't believe it. My heart shattered. You want to be alone, forever? what did i do to make him feel that way??? we were SO NORMAL the night before!!! we were in my car for about 40 minutes and yes, i did most of the talking. Just saying that I respect him and his decision, but that i love him and i will work on myself and hope to be with him again. I said i know i can be clingy, and that i will work on myself and that. I said "be honest with me, when and if you get through this, do you see us together again since nothing was rocky, we had such a stable, loving, fun, happy, healthy relationship for 5 years?" and he said "i don't know, all i know is i want to be alone." I believe him. i KNOW he would have said no to me in that moment if he truly knew he didn't want me.
I needed a tiny bit of something so I could sleep at night. this is why i had messaged him to meet two weeks after. I was so confused, abandoned, and felt so small. what did i do? All i kept thinking was, "oh, he told me i was loud the night before, so he left me cause i'm loud? did he leave me cause he thinks i'll leave him for a job when i TOLD HIM i would not and he KNOWS he would never hold me back?" like i can promise you, he knew i wasn't going anywhere. And he knew how happy i was with him here. he literally abandoned me and i felt/FEEL so lost, broken, and confused. I know I am not the only person in the world who has felt this way, but there was NOTHING i could find to make sense of this - only the fact that MAYBE he is having an "emotional breakdown" about his father? or he's depressed and will not tell me or his guy friend or anyone? Is he just now going through the loss of his father? does THIS actually have nothing to do with his father, and the timing is just so weird? BUT how can you fake propose to me, buy me stuff for your house, and so on DAYS before? no fight, no nothing? I honestly have no clue and I have been praying for him every day. I am not mad at him. I told him over and over again how much i love him, but of course i have .01% of hope for us.
I love this man with all my heart. I know I am young, I know life goes on, I know I will survive. but i truly love him. My best friend, someone who has helped me grow into a better person. Someone who has seen me at my worst, and my best. someone who took care of his father from 21- and never complained. he NEVER hurt me, he never caused me pain till this. Yes, i am thankful to have had a love like this. But how can it be over? Is it totally over? I know no one knows, but like....nothing was wrong in our relationship! (clearly something i guess from his perspective) but you all have the full honest story of how things happened. Everything was perfect. Then it just ......ended.
Is he not who i thought he was if he can just dispose of me this fast? he threw me away, like trash. Nothing. Threw me away, cried, then went on with his life. I know he doesn't think about me, and I try not to think about him. Im not who i was 4 or 5 years ago. I love him, deeply, and he showed me what true love for someone is. He gave me everything. I gave him my all. We loved eachother, but remained our own selves.
please help me. I know no one 100% has the answers, but what does this sound like? Are people who go through loss sometimes unable to give love to other people? even though it's been a year? But, i know he is still hanging with his friends and I am the one who got cut out. Why me? I guess he had to invest the most time in me? Does this even have to do with his dad? did the one year coming up, and holidays trigger something where he is like screw it. i don't want anything or anyone? or is this just a classic breakup. He is so good at....not feeling things. He can shut things out fast. Im scared he did this to me. Im scared i am forgotten.
I was forgotten. I was thrown away. he didn't even bring any issues up to me to try to "fix it" or let me know his concerns?? after 5 years of a healthy fun passionate relationship up until the last moment?
he just made the decision and left me. Got rid of me.
It's been 6 weeks. and one month since we last spoke. yes i'm trying to distract and BETTER myself. But it is so hard when my life was great then flipped upside down in 1 second.
Thank you all for your help and support.