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Attempting2Grieve

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Everything posted by Attempting2Grieve

  1. I feel like I still don't wanna be home. That's all I know. I ran to Vegas and didn't want to be there but I don't wanna be here either. I think I'll go back.
  2. I didn't take it as confrontational. I didn't mean for my reply to come off that way either. I just thought by this point I wouldn't be blaming myself or her. Xmas, NYE, and her Bday in the same week isn't making this easy for me.
  3. I can't buy that. Hard to believe a "god" would take her from me. If she would have attended doctors appointments instead of pretending to go maybe she would be here. If I had picked the right hospital the 1st time maybe she would be here. I can't live with "God" making random choices. I'm not trying to be short, I just can't accept that.
  4. Ty. I think I needed to hear that I'm not the only one who lashes out or can't stand the sounds of religious consolations at a time when it feels like if there is a higher power they have forsaken you. Since we have older parents we spoke about having to understand we would lose them one day and I told her it was easier to leave then to be left. I don't think she ever believed me. I'm also mad at her. She would lie to me about dr. visits. She was just so terrified of Doctors. Small things, even in the hospital. They asked her the last time she had a mammogram, she said like two years ago, I questioned her, after 10 minutes of drilling her she confessed never. I explained that we were fighting for her life. I told her everything was on the table. I was with her every night of those 17 (one night they told me I had to leave ICU so I went home and got some much needed sleep). We were supposed to surprise some friends in Amsterdam the day after Thanksgiving, visit Spain in February, I had bought tickets to Morocco in May and not told her about it yet. So sometimes I'm mad at her. But I'm most upset at myself. Did I make the wrong choice of Hospitals, or after the 1st (and only) Chemo treatment I saw some side effects that I should have taken her immediately to the emergency room but waited too long. You will say as everyone else... you can't blame yourself, but yes I can. I don't know if it would have made a difference but it might have. I spend an hour or two everyday walking myself through every decision I made. Like a coach watching tape of last weeks game.
  5. I'm not sure why i'm doing this. I've never reached out to people I don't know. But I can't keep making everyone sad in my life. On November 7th she had stomach pains, we went to the emergency room and we assumed it was a stomach flu or something. The ER doc said her liver was covered in meta lesions. 17 days later she was gone. She worked out 5 days a week, drank green smoothies for lunch, didn't smoke or do drugs, no history of cancer in the fam. It's a little over a month and I am still sad/angry/confused. I get it, it does happen and I'm not the only one who has suffered this loss. I'm just not sure why to go on. I'm not gonna off myself or anything stupid, I mean why keep trying? Work, Happiness, relationships? They all seem pretty pointless. We r both in our early-mid 40's and had been travelling a lot recently. She asked why we are "serial" travelling one day? I told her family might need us (we have elderly parents), maybe a pet, maybe another family member, maybe it wouldn't be possible with our work schedules. But we have time now. I never thought it would be because I lost her. I'm mad,sad,defeated, I called the guy at my fish market FishFuck, was rude to a CVS check out person, and flipped off an old lady. I'm pretty sure none of them deserved that and i probably have many apologies to dish out. About 3 weeks after she past and we had the memorial I had to leave town. I couldn't handle people knocking on my door to make sure I was eating 10x a day. i didn't know where I wanted to be but knew I didn't want to be here. I went to Vegas... I grieve by gambling and drinking. It was therapeutic at times and depressing at times. But I come home and she's still gone. Now I feel like I wanna leave again. We never argued (I know people say that and if it was because of me we probably would have but she was so easy going) but when we kidded around about differing views I would say "well my next wife won't try to drag me to amusement parks" or something like that and she would say "she can pry this ring off my cold dead hand". And then one day I had to. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or wisdom, need to vent, or need a sounding board. But pleaaaasssse don't pray for me or say Jesus or god wants you/her (insert anything here). I take take any more of that.
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