This is the first time I have replied to a post but your story tore my heart out. I lost my mom Oct 2006. There are some key similarities in our stories despite our age differences. I am 61 and for two years was mom's sole caregiver 24/7 until she died at age 89. My parents divorced when I was eight and mom raised my brother and me completely on her own. She was a very serious, secretive person and hid her feelings. She was melancholy and in the early years I suspected suicidal. She also was a negative person and to this day I have to fight slipping into such learned behavior even though in a happier environment I would have been a very positive person. I felt it was in me. She swallowed her anger so well that she got stomach cancer. She was a "by the book" mom who never showed favoritism. But I always knew my brother was her darling. I was academically and professionally very successful, while he joined a cult, was cruel to her, was a failure at life. Yet in her dimentia in her last year, she would call out for my brother in her sleep, and when awake often called me by his name, even though I was the one always there for her. Like you, I have also tried to find an explanation for mom's feelings and still cannot accept that I will never know why. All her secrets died with her and it makes me feel so unfinished. I feel awful that I didn't tell her enough that I loved her, even though she would have gagged if she had ever tried to say it to me. In the final hours I should have asked her forgiveness for being such a disappointment to her and I didn't even think to do it until it was too late. I idolized my mom and thought she was perfection so I can't even allow myself to consider forgiving her. I'm sure that isn't healthy. Like you, my self-esteem is low. The emotional damage from my family life never affected my professional performance, perhaps it was what drove me to excel. But it definitely screwed up my personal life. I made such self-destructive choices, had three failed marriages and wasted my best years. Now I feel like damaged goods and too worn out and old to start over professionally, but I must--to support myself. You have made such a great strong start in your life and it is all in front of you. It is too late for me to go back and fix my mistakes, but perhaps you can learn from mine. Trust your gut, your instincts, your inner voice. Finish your education. There is no substitute, I promise you. Think long term about your money. When I had it I was extravagant, thought I would be young forever, thought I was invincible. If only Suze Orman had been around when I could have benefited from her wisdom--she is an inspiring life coach.Try to read all her past books, not just the new ones, watch her Sat night tv show. If you arm yourself with education and your own financial security you will be better protected from making needy decisions romantically. You are vulnerable to trying to create the family life you never had. I tried twice to marry the father I never had--I only realized it many years later. I have no expectation of getting past the bad memories, if anything, they have pushed away any good memories there might have been. When I start to think it is getting better, I ask myself, "so why can't I sleep at night?" Your youth is a gift that will carry you through. Treasure your health and nurture it for the long haul. You are very mature and wise for 19 and I applaud you.
