Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Bob 1968

Members
  • Posts

    2
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Bob 1968

  1. Kayc, Thank you for not only responding, but actually providing some valuable feedback and resources to help me through this. I do have a tendency to put myself last, but that has always been that way. I guess I learned it from my Mom and always thought it was an admirable trait. It is good for be to get an outside opinion, as my ideas are made with many emotions mixed in. Currently just getting from one day to the next seems like a struggle. I re-read what you wrote about my Dad and I do understand where you are coming from. I will be honest with you that it will be difficult for me to do. I think I tend to dwell on things, perhaps I could forgive, but never forget. That ultimately would be like a dog chasing its tail, as my memories would stir up emotions that made me unforgiving of his actions, etc. As you point out, I do not want to be like my Dad. My Mom did not deserve to be treated that way. Yes, the opportunity to take care of my Mom is one I have no regrets about. Given the amazing 48 years she had given me prior to getting sick it was the least I could. Plus she would have done the same for any of her kids. I might not have clarified about the time at which my Mom started to come to me for support and someone to talk to. The first that I was aware of the infidelity was around 13 or so, however it wasn't until my early 20's when the long talks, and support was sought from me. Maybe she shouldn't have come to me even then, I don't know. I would have been there for my Mom at any age or stage of the game, its just what would have come naturally. Yes, I have a lot going on and things are going very slowly. Thanks again for your time, Bob
  2. I am glad I found this group. I am so out of control I almost don't know where to begin. Some family background, Mom and Dad married 50 years. Got married since my Mother was pregnant, not necessarily because they were a good match. They have 4 kids together.....3 boys and 1 girl. I am writing this today, and I am the oldest of the children (50). My parents marriage was subjected to infidelity from early on. My Dad never really had very strong feelings for my Mom and if a pretty emotionless person. Looking back, I think they were too busy raising the kids to recognize their differences. My Mom and I were cut from the same cloth, and the other 3 sibling were much closer with their Dad. My Mom wanted a close relationship with all her kids, but some of them just didn't mesh as well as her and I did. I vividly remember at the age of 12 or 13, my Mom finding out about an affair my Dad had. She made an attempt at taking her life. Luckily she lived, but had a very unhappy marriage. This continued on mostly unbeknownst to most of us at the time. My Mom eventually turned to me as someone to talk to, cry with, and seek advise. The hours that were spent were countless over a period of years. I loved my Mother so much that I would do anything for her without question. At the time I chose to listen, support her, comfort her, but didn't really want to bear the burden of telling her what to do. My Mom simply didn't have the courage to file for divorce. My Dad, who really had no feelings for her, no emotions, was able to tolerate his situation. He was not going to file for divorce either, since his most important asset in life was his money/paycheck, and he wasn't voluntarily going to cut that in half, probably lose the house, and be court ordered to pay child support. So over the years, they remained together. Basically living somewhat separate lives, just under the same roof. I had some serious issues with my Dad's infidelity when I was in school and seen the hurt and pain he was causing my Mom. Beyond that I still remembered what he had done, but didn't dwell on it. Three years ago my Mom gets sick, has sustained some loss of cognitive function and would require 24 hour round the clock care. After a month in ICU and two month in skilled nursing with some progress, but not enough to keep the insurance company happy. The options were to move her to long-term care within the nursing home or bring her back to her house. There really was no decision, I quit my job and cared for my Mother for three years. I did get some much needed help from my sister, but had 1 brother living out of state who couldn't do anything and 1 brother living nearby, who just wasn't interested in doing much. She lasted 3 years.......it still breaks my heart.......I still can't accept her passing in Feb. 2019. In the beginning there is so much that is occurring, you are numb, and things are just seriously out of whack. Your thinking is not normal if you can manage to think at all. We were all grieving in our own way, which I know from all my reading is a very normal thing. Within our family, it was I that was taking my Mom's death the hardest. Nobody was surprised by that. I continued to stay in the home and provide some assistance to my Dad who has Parkinson's Disease. He doesn't require anywhere near the amount of care that my Mom did. That lasted about 7 or 8 months after Mom died. It was then that his infidelity within their marriage really started a fire within me. I was devastated by the loss of my Mom, guilty that all the time spent listening to and comforting my Mom when she needed someone to talk to I should have pushed her to get the Divorce. I'm sure she would have done it with my consistent encouragement. Coupled with having to think about this person whom I cared so much about, suffered and dealt with sadness in her marriage because of my Dad's actions. She was the most wonderful, loving, person you can imagine. Long story short, I moved out of their house. #1 it didn't feel like home anymore, and #2 I couldn't stand the sight of my Dad. Here we are a couple months later. I couldn't attend the holidays this year, it was just too much emotionally for me. I have done some not so nice things to my Dad, in an effort to cause him to feel the way he made my Mom feel. The family is divided, my 3 siblings support their Dad and my deceased Mother would have had my back to the bitter end if she were still alive. I am not married, suffering from major depression, which I see my Dr. for and take prescribed meds for. Have gone to a therapist a couple times. Not really knowing what to think or what to do. I do not think I have the ability to forgive my Dad. I really just don't see much purpose for anything at the moment. I am interested to hear of any similar experiences and how they evolved and people moved on, either with or without the family that once was. Really all I want is my Mom...............hoping I get some comments from other readers. Thanks for your time and sorry for the loss that has brought you to this page.
×
×
  • Create New...