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About Nixie1984

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    Honolulu, HI
  1. Thank you for the responses and suggested reads. I take them to heart. Read them and try to resolve my grief and guilt.
  2. I feel guilt. She was 14, so I had a wonderful 14 years with her. We knew she was slowing down. 1/12/2020 my grandma called me that she found Li’i out in the rain. It looks like she tried to come to the door where my grandma feeds her (her concoction of dog food and some sort of chicken gravy soup bc as my grandma said she was getting old so the softer food was easier to eat) every morning but this morning she didn’t make it. She couldn’t move her hind legs. Her eyes seemed to focus then not. My husband and I rushed home. She nipped at us when we tried to move her lower bottom. So we know she was in pain. Her eyes sometimes wouldn’t follow us. Everyone said goodbye, just in case, but I still wasn’t accepting that was an outcome. We placed her on the backseat of the truck and I sat on the ground holding her and telling her what a good girl she is and how much we love her. When we got to the vet they took her from us, then came back out to say she was critical, pale, low blood pressure, low temperature, and in pain. It could be her back, Cancer, or a uterus infection. They said based on her age that means she’s about 95 in human years. If she needed surgery she wouldn’t survive. The humane thing to do was to euthanize. We agreed. If the professional thought that was a good idea then we agree. N yes we would be by her side. I took the stupid muzzle off her. N we just pet and hugged her. She was having hard laboring breaths and my husband and I looked at each other and cried. We were being selfish keeping her in pain and saying our goodbyes. We didn’t spend as much time as we should’ve with her (after reading posts I realize many people have these feelings) and keeping her there for our faults was wrong. We called them in. They gave her the anesthetic then immediately the overdose. (I read that there’s a doctor that does the anesthesia allows you to say goodbye then does the overdose. I wish we could’ve had that option.) I looked Into her eyes the whole time while petting her, my husband held her, and I repeatedly told her she was thee BEST dog. Afterwards I had regrets. Did I put her down too soon. Did I not understand the options? Was there really nothing else to do? But it was too late. Too late. I know she was an older dog but she was trying to lift her head. Was that her way of letting me know she wasn’t ready to go? That she had some fight in her to live? The doctor had said she was shocky and in and out which might have been when she would lift her head. I’m just now hoping it wasn’t her fighting to live or saying she wanted to. If I could’ve given her 3 more months to be her same self in no pain, I would have, even for the $10,000. But to just extend her pain for my selfish reasons I couldn’t justify. And at the time I was distraught. I hope I made the right choice but my dog nor God was able to tell me. So I am here. She is not. And I replay what happened and what I didn’t do with her the hours before she passed and I’m riddled with guilt and sadness. My loving Li’i girl. I miss her every minute. We will soon get the call that her ashes are ready to be picked up. My husband says it will be like bringing her home. It won’t be. It isn’t her. It can’t replace her. Even so, it’s what remains of her, and we will keep her. Forever with us. Until it’s time for us to say goodbye to this Earth. I know my crying will eventually stop. Even if the reason is because I just have no more tears to shed. But my heart tightens every time I have to open my door to my room and walk out knowing she’s not around the corner waiting for a treat, affection, or just simply and quietly walking by my side. I hear people say she’s waiting in heaven and I hope that’s partially true. I don’t want her waiting for me. I want her happy and running around. When it is my time, I do hope she will be there to greet me and I can apologize for being human.
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