suetrublu

Lori - I just read your description of the grief process you have been going through about your mom, and wow! Its an exact description of what I'm experiencing! Since my partner Ernie died on 10/25 I can barely eat, and I had to take xanax for weeks to get any sleep at all. I'm seeing a counselor now too, and have a doc looking after me, but am not sure that they are helping me get to the root of what I'm feeling. I miss him so bad, its almost a sickening feeling. The only thing that makes it easier is realizing that he's ok. Its me that has to go on, has to make some sense of all this. Peace be to you through the holidays, which I know must be so hard for you. If you have any insights about how to get to a better place emotionally, it'd be great to hear. Thanks - Sue

Hi Karen! I too have seen my family shrink a lot over the past few years. My partner of 3 1/2 years died this October, two brothers gone too and my mother's living death of Alzheimer's. Everyone's right, the holidays are soooo painful. But one great thing that happened last night is that my partner Ernie visited me in a dream for the first time since he died. It IS comforting to have felt his presence, to know that all he was/is concerned about is my wellbeing. Because he's with God - that was SO evident in the dream (really!) He was soooooo tired at the end of his life, so I take comfort knowing that he is at rest now and that he seemed at real peace in the dream. But I am so so so so lonely, its so hard. I too feel so tired, and I struggle with the desire to just go be with him. I wish the holidays would just be done and over. Next year I'll try harder to "get into life" again like all the people around me keep telling me I ought to do. I'm sure they're right, but right now I just keep thinking about all the Christmas pasts. I just can't keep the stiff upper lip. I'm glad you have your son, and that you two can share your grief together. You do the right thing by being honest about your feelings and letting him take the time he needs to be at home with you instead of just stuffing it like men are so encouraged to do. I'm learning that a lot of grieving people just shut all the emotions off and grow numb inside. Ernie's kids are stuffing it real good/bad right now - with the aid of alcohol, which I understand. But its sad. I feel the temptation, and there are people near me right now who are pushing me to do that. But know its not right in the long run. God be with you and your son. Sue

Hi All! I don't know why it makes me feel better to hear other people confess that they got angry at their loved one too. And that I'm not the only one sleeping with my dog right now (1/2 Lab, 1/2 German shorthair). I was so angry at Ernie for not getting better - even after he made the decision to stop smoking and drinking this summer. I felt that if he would only be well we wouldn't have been fighting so much. I lost my brother last year, and before he died he begged me not to judge his lover of 3 1/2 yrs, who not only gave him the virus but also yelled at him a lot toward the end. My brother - who was not always an easygoing guy himself - only cared that I wouldn't judge his lover. Because he knew how hard it was on him to have to care for my brother when sometimes it seemed he couldn't - or wouldn't - care for himself. I'm very proud of how courageous my baby brother was in the face of his death, and his compassion helps me forgive myself. Love to all -Sue

Hi Laurie and everyone else! I'm Sue and this is my first post. I so relate to your feelings Laurie. My partner and soulmate Ernie passed October 25th. We'd known for a long time he wasn't well, but we didn't know how serious it was until just before the end. But I'd been dealing with the pressure of his deteriorating functioning for a long time and was exhausted. When he ended up in the ER after throwing up blood (I knew then for sure he was in serious trouble)I lost it. I started drinking heavily and ended up finally kicking him out in a drunken rage. I feel like the biggest heel of all time. Its true, he WAS asking for so much - too much. And after our fight he wouldn't talk to me for almost a month, and his whole family decided to make me into the villain too and keep him from talking to me. It took him finally being admitted to the hospital where he died five days later for us to reuinite and make our peace. HE understood Laurie - that's the most important thing I want to say to you. I'm sure that Sean understood and understands too why you were angry sometimes. Thank God Ernie and I were able to talk at the end and say all the right things to each other. If you didn't get that chance I'm sure it makes it so much harder for you to accept your mistakes. I too feel soooooooo bad for all the times I yelled at Ernie, for not being strong enough to not drink under all the stress and instead to get the help I needed to face what was happening. The pain and the guilt is worst at night. Just lying in Ernie's arms was heaven, and I feel sooooo alone now! And yeah, maybe I feel I deserve to suffer too. In more self loving moments I remind myself I'm human, and that I always do try to do my very best for those I love. Isn't this true for you too Laurie? Intimate relationships bring out both our best and our worst, that's just how it is. And you're raising kids too. Especially in this culture (which stinks at supporting parents) childrearing equals STRESS on parents. Yet how many times did you find the energy and the strength to support and love Sean despite being tired or frustrated or empty and needy yourself? I'll bet you did so a whole lot. Its hard to remember that right now, not to beat yourself up for the mistakes, the failutes. But for me - I want to be able as soon as I can to think about Ernie again with happiness, to connect with all the joy and insight and peace he brought into my life. And to do that I have to love myself. If he forgave me and God can forgive me, then I must be forgivable - right? I'm glad you have your kids. What you are doing by keeping keeping on right now with them is pretty awesome. You must be a strong person (fortunately, my kids are older and don't need daily care - I can't imagine how I'd be able to parent them otherwise right now). I hope they're coping with their dad's passing as well as can be hoped for and not freaking out on you too much (as so often happens in times of trouble). Please go easy on yourself if you get impatient with them right now - ok? Its to be expected, no matter how good they are or how much you love them God bless you Laurie - Sue