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About MarkM

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Piedmont Medical Center

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    Catawba, SC

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  1. Turning a corner Last Saturday was abysmal. I let the dog out, fed her and went back to bed til about 10am. I didn't care to do anything but try to sleep, which was short lived. The day was spent puttering around on the internet and feeling sorry for myself. I was a mess. Sunday wasn't much different, except that I sought out some scripture and prayed that the Lord life me up from the darkness. I have a Bible app on my phone that keeps feeding me verses that seem to be spot on. It's almost as if someone is watching out for me, insert sarcasm here. Of course he is and for that matter
  2. I didn't mention this before, but already being overwhelmed with the loss of Susie, the family suffered another tragic loss. I had Susie's phone and about 4 days after Susie passed, her brother Andy called it after I had gone to bed. The next morning, on January 21st, I checked her phone as I do daily, since I don't have the heart to cut it off yet. I found the missed call and a voicemail from her little brother Andy. He simply said "Hello?". I called him a little later that day and he told me that he wasn't sure who had her phone, but was delighted to hear my voice. We talked for about
  3. Marty, Thank you so much for providing access to this webinar. Dr. Hoy was very informative. At his suggestion I also watched the Youtube TED presentation, "We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it" by Nora McInerny. I have a lot of work to do on myself, but these provided me with the tools to go about it. In the comment thread below Nora McInerny's presentation, someone aptly stated: "Grief is love with nowhere to go." Those words hit home and are descriptive for how I feel. I have my love for the Lord, but my love for Susie was of course a completely different type
  4. Thank you for the article. There is a lot of good advice in it. I'm going out of my way to keep Sadie's stress down and give her time to normalize, but it's a challenge. She has onset collapsed trachea. When she get's anxious, she starts to cough and it just goes downhill from there. I honestly think if she had full knowledge of the reality about her Mama, she wouldn't last 48 hours. I don't think I could take losing her too, so soon after Susie.
  5. Marty, Thank you so much for that guidance. I am signed up and I very much look forward to the event. I can't tell you enough how glad I am that I found this website and decided to become a part of it. Years ago I had a wonderful therapist who helped me overcome a loss in my life that I was not equipped to deal with on my own. You are that level of expert and you seem to know the very thing that I need to heal. God bless you!
  6. They say one of the worse experiences in life is a child passing before the parent. I pray I never know what that is like. My Daughter is all I have left, well, and my dog Sadie. With our children having been grown, Sadie was like our child. A little Pomeranian we got back in 2010 and if there were ever an emotional support dog, it has been her. One of the hardest things for me to witness is her trying to process the absence of her "Mama". Susie was Sadie's pack leader and like me, she's lost. I used to joke with Susie, that "there is no life without Mama" and that applied to both mysel
  7. I know that Susie wouldn't want me to harden my heart and misdirect the grieving I feel for her. I don't think either one of us could foresee the ramifications of her passing. We knew the day would come, but chose not to talk about it too much, in favor of talking about the moment we were sharing together. We thought we had more time, until it became apparent that we didn't. The loneliness I feel now is hard for me to handle after never feeling loneliness for so long. I actually had forgotten what it felt like, but now I remember all too well and on a level I never experienced before. As
  8. You were very fortunate. I would have left this job years ago, but I was afraid to rock the boat and lose my ability to provide for Susie. I may consider reinventing myself to the extent that it is possible. All I know is that now it's horrible to be here. My boss happens to be one of those people I mentioned before, who bury their grief and allow it to turn into anger, or some other destructive emotion. As a result, his empathy for others leaves a lot to be desired. Thank you, I thought she is very beautiful as well. The first time we met, my heart skipped a beat and I just knew th
  9. Thank you, she is beautiful and she was beautiful on the inside as well. Besides finding the song, I've been going through old mini disc recordings of duets we used to do, hearing her pretty singing voice, her laughter and remembering the context has been a wonderful reminder for which I'm thankful. I would have been ok with being there when she went, but as it turned out, I gave that day to her daughters since I had her to myself the day before. I honestly thought I would get another, but it was not to be. At least got to say goodbye one last time and let her know I loved her.
  10. Gwenivere, sadly I only got about 5 days off of work, not counting the ones I spent with Susie. I lost my composure a couple of times today in front of customers and felt compelled to explain why. Everyone has been very understanding with the exception of my boss. He's in his own little world, but that's whole different story. Though I had told myself over the years that there would come a day, it didn't matter, there was no preparing for it, especially when the end game came so quickly. I got to see Susie the day before she passed and in at least some way, conversed with her, which
  11. I'm having a really rough time today. I pretty much didn't sleep last night and it took everything I could muster to get out pf bed. Work is horrible and I can't concentrate at all. I wish I could just go home, curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. I lost her two weeks ago today and it feels like it was last night. I wish this was all a big nightmare and I would wake up and she would be there.
  12. Thank you, I believe that though I will never be able to replace Susie, my soul will at least heal to the extent that it isn't constantly consumed with grief. I attribute this to a belief of a life hereafter and that I will see her again. I think love is a double edged sword, it can hurt and it can heal. Now it's time to slowly strive for the latter.
  13. Gwenivere and Kay, I totally understand where you are coming from. I have always been a proactive person, immediately confronting my problems and doing my best to embrace old memories, even if they may at first make me feel uncomfortable. Susie had a beautiful singing voice and when I was listening to some old mini discs of songs we did together, it actually made me feel warm inside, almost like she was there. Thankfully I find great comfort in old photos, recordings and even the things she wrote. I can't imagine not having those around me. When I do start composing, it will be after
  14. Marty, I just got through "After caregiving ends" and there are some excellent points I hadn't thought about. There is no doubt that a lot of my feeling lost, is because my purpose with Susie has ended. It was a challenge, but I honestly don't feel much relief with it being gone. We have had many discussions over the years about what I felt was my loving duty. She felt guilty on many occasions, about my having to do things for her, causing lost sleep due to her pain and discomfort, but I assured her it was not a problem. In the last few months I believe she actually attempted to alienate
  15. Kieron, The emptiness is overwhelming and particularly today. I feel hollowed out and wounded to the soul. It's really difficult to describe. I find myself talking to Susie throughout the day. from telling her "good morning" when I walk out the door and look up at the sky, to when I tell her I love her when I lay my head on the pillow at night. The other morning, just as the sunlight was beginning to show on the horizon, the skies were clear and we had a crescent moon on it's back, my layman terminology. She loved that phase and we always called it "her moon". It reminded me of the line
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