Baby boy you are the child I’ll never hold, the child who’s tears I’ll never wipe away, you are the child I’ll never lay eyes on, the child I’ll never meet. I often wonder who you would be. Whether you grew to be a teacher or lawyer it did not matter to me. I wonder more how your laugh would have sounded, which nursery rhyme would have been your favourite, or what our routine would have been. You would have been 10 months old by now. What milestones would you have hit? Surely you would be smiling, sitting, and rolling, but would you be walking or crawling by now? So many things I’ll never know about you. So many things the world will not witness. To the world you never existed but to me you are the most real thing I have ever experienced. To me you never stopped existing and never will. I went on with my life but I could never forget you. I often have nightmares about you. Never do I have happy dreams with you in them. I always hear you crying but I can never get to you, I can never stop it. I long for nothing more than to hold you even if it were only to be for a minute. I want you to know I would have given anything to give you a good life. Your life would not have been glamorous. We would have had nothing but ourselves. You would likely have never known your father but I would have given everything I worked for and all of my dreams in order to give you whatever dreams you had. I would have been a teen mom but I would have been the best mom I possibly could have been for you. I was terrified when I found out you were growing inside me. So many things to worry about. My career would be over, university would not have been an option, but I knew you needed me more than I needed any piece of paper. For two weeks I went to school, wrote exams, and trained as if nothing had changed. I knew I had to eat but it was so hard. I was so sick at the time. I would throw up before or during class. I was petrified but at the same time I was so excited to meet you. Soon after I took the test that came back positive I needed you to have a name. I couldn’t just call you the baby. I felt you were a person, I felt you were a boy. I could just feel it. I thought I would have the most beautiful baby boy on the planet. I would have likely delivered you alone but you would have been all I needed. As soon as I decided on naming you, Fionn become the obvious choice. I wanted you to be Fionn-Oakley. Your name is Gaelic just like my mother’s side. The father you never would have met was also Gaelic. It only seemed fitting to give you such a name. Although I came up with it in a grade 11 bio class it had a deeper meaning. It reminded me of the grandad I never met. All I had ever heard about the man was his charity and care for every human being no matter their differences. He was a strong Irish man who I wanted you to take after. You would have never met your father and I never met my grandad so I hoped he could have been the father figure we both lacked. Now that you are gone as much as I don’t believe in heaven I hope that my grandad is the one holding you. I hope there is some sort of after life whether it only exists in my mind where the greatest man I’ve ever heard of raised the son I never got a chance to meet. If I can never wipe your tears I hope he wipes them for you and gives you everything I will never be able to. Fionn is Gaelic for fair. I hoped you would have taken after me. Had my fair skin and light eyes with dark hair. A true Gaelic beauty but I will never know. All I can hope is that you know how much I love you, how much I miss you. Often after I found out you were gone I would hold my stomach as if you were still growing inside of me. I’ve notice I do it less now, but every once in a while I put my arm across where you would have been not remembering that you are gone. I bled for 11 days. Heavily at first then lighter as the days went on. I thought I was only spotting. I had no idea I was slowly loosing you. I often think of the what ifs. What if I had gone to the doctor when I first found out? Would that have prevented the whole thing? What if I went to the hospital right when I started bleeding? Would they have been able to save you? Did I k ow deep down and ignore it? Was I willfully blind? Like almost everything about you, I’ll never know. All I know is that morning at the end of june I took another test and I was no longer pregnant. That meant you were gone and no one had even known you existed. I cried, I screamed, I went numb. That same day I washed my face and covered it in make up. That same day I crossed the stage and graduated high school. Although I stopped throwing up, I could actually go to university, and I could still be a hockey player, there would never be a you. You would never exist outside my head. I didn’t know what to do but I wanted to do something for you, but what? There was nothing to bury, no sonogram to hold on to, no onesie I had purchased for you yet. There was simply nothing but my memory of you. Whenever you are in my dreams and it’s not the one you cry in I see your tiny hands. They’re peaking out from under a hospital sheet. I grab them and they are ice cold. They are lifeless. I hope where ever you are you are not cold. Although I have nothing left of you I will never forget you. Every time I go to church I don’t pray to god. I talk to my child who will never be on earth. I talk to you. I know you can’t hear me but I will always love you. Rest easy baby boy. To the child the world never knew about I love you Fionn-Oakley.