yoyoma

Please do not get me confused, I am very well aware that my mother has died but I am the only one who has these brief moments every now and again where you forget? I guess it's not that I forget she died but that the weight of her death is gone, just for a fluttering moment. I could be in the grocery store looking for something and have a great memory of the two of us shopping come to mind and in the split seconds before I realize we will not be adding to those memories, it's as if I am in this clear space between the two realities of her being alive and dead. This space (or time) doesn't consist of anything besides the void of the pain from her passing. I do find so much peace in these moments but I also sometimes feel guilty for trying to live in this tiny space where it doesn't hurt so much. And is it healthy for me to hang onto these moments?

After a long a grueling battle against cancer, I lost my mother last May. My parents did a great job teaching us about death and coping mechanisms growing up as they were never really ones to sugarcoat the real factors in life. Despite their efforts to prepare my siblings and I, I still have such a hard time handling how much I miss my mom. I know that I could of had her for 20 more years and it would still feel like I lost her too soon but I just want to be able to talk to her. Don't get me wrong, I do talk to her but its not the same when she doesn't talk back. It just really, really hurts to not be able to really share my life with her anymore. For instance, I recently moved and by no means was it a far move or that big of a change but knowing that I was leaving the last place my mom saw hurt and makes my new house feel like it is missing such a big part of what makes it a home. Will I ever feel like I am at home again or I am bound to have this empty feeling in this house and future houses?