mary c

Again, I am amazed and so thankful that I found this site. What an inspiring group of people you all are. The personal struggles we all go through as we try to deal with this crippling pain in our hearts. Yes, we are strong, what else can we be? Who would understand if we said we wish we could lay down and never wake up? Sometimes I think of the peace I would feel, but I also have a strong feeling that I am still here (as are all of you) for a reason. Right now I can't imagine what that might be, but someday it will be clear. Maybe I can help someone else, though again, it seems I can't even help myself right now. I am a mother, and I know I have to be here for my daughter. She is 17 and will graduate in June, but she still needs me, even though she doesn't think so. Why isn't that enough now? Do I sound like a horrible mother, I feel like I must. It is selfish of me, and I never talk to anyone else about this stuff, they would probably be horrified. The loss is so overwhelming to me that everything else really seems pretty petty. Thanks to everyone for their comments, thoughts and feelings. It feels good to be at a place I can be "real". God Bless each of you on this journey/nightmare. mary c In loving memory, Pepper Withers, my love.

Thank you so much to everyone for their responses. It is so hard to hear about the tragedies you have all suffered. I thank God I stumbled on this site and have people who know the pain I feel. I am so sorry for each of your sufferings, you are all in my prayers too. What a wonderful, and terribly sad website this is. I have started with a couselor, she is wonderful, and I think it may help some. Talking about him is all I want to do sometimes and with a counselor you can do that. So many people don't want to talk about someone who is gone because it hurts too bad, but I love to talk about Pepper. It hurts that he is gone, but memories are all I have and I want so badly to keep those alive. I call his work cell number just to hear his voice (they haven't turned it off yet), I'm so afraid I will forget the sound of his voice, it about kills me to think of that happening. I found out the other day one of his fellow officers/friend also does that, it gives me comfort to know other people miss him that much too. Pepper was cremated and this spring we will spread his ashes on the ranch he was raised on and at the lake that bears his family name. We spent time there this summer and it will be hard to go there, but I think it will also bring some comfort. The rock we hit has a cross and flowers on it and I have been there once when I came home from the hospital, but haven't been able to stop since then. I will go alone when I am well and take flowers and also a letter to leave there. I also will go to his home soon, lay on his bed and cry and remember all of the happy times we had in his home. I have attached some pictures. Thank you all again so much. Mary In loving memory, Pepper Withers, my love. [attachmentid=83]

I too lost the love of my life in an accident we were both involved in. Fortunately it was a one car accident, the bearing something or other fell apart on the right front wheel and we went off of the road. We hit the only boulder for hundreds of feet. My love died almost instantly (August 20th, 2006), he was only 51 years old and was the best man I ever knew. I was injured in the accident and spent three weeks in the hospital and have been recovering for the last three months at home. I am finally able to walk with the aid of a cane, but hope to be off of it by Christmas. One of the hardest parts of this is the fact that I never got to go to his funeral. I didn't have an opportunity to say goodbye, or grieve as the hospital kept me in a "fog" for quite a while. Then I also felt I had to comfort everyone around me. When I finally came out of it I have been feeling like I live in a nightmare and I will wake up and he will come in and say "Hello Sweetie". I just can't get past the way it happened. We had so much to say to each other, though I knew him most of my life we had only been dating a few months. We were in love, we were already speaking of our future. How can he be gone, how can I have a future now? I seriously have times when I don't want to go on knowing he won't be there with me. He was so much fun, he was so honest, loving, sweet, kind, honorable, and sexy!! There will never be anyone I will love as much as I loved him. That is so hard to imagine, after having so much love in my life and knowing I will never find that again is so excruciating. My heart hurts all of the time. Even when I am at work and seem so normal my heart is breaking and my mind is screaming NO, HE CAN'T BE GONE. I live in a small town and everywhere I go I have images of him and I together. Even at work as he was the School Resource Officer at the school I work at. Knowing he won't ever hold me again, or tell me a joke, give me a hug, make love to me, pet my dog, or even drive by again is devastating to me. My mind and my heart can't seem to accept it. Even after 3 months sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. How does anyone ever get through the pain? If this is how I feel after loving him for a few months how does anyone who spends years with their love survive when they are gone? Mary In loving memory Charles "Pepper" Withers, the best man I have ever known, the love of my life.