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AngieB

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  1. My precious mother died last week on March 5th, 2020 at 1:40 p.m. I can hardly believe that I am writing this. Her funeral and burial was yesterday and my mind is in shambles. I apologize in advance if this is all jumbled, but Im just trying to make sense of everything that has happened. My mom has been sick for a long time. I have been her caretaker for over 20 years. I never married or had a family of my own because I wanted to take care of my mom. I have no regrets in that, I spent the time taking care of her the way she deserved. She had a multitude of chronic illnesses such as Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, Pulmonary Hypertension, Congestive Heart Failure, Chronic Kidney Failure(Stage 4), a tracheostomy, and she was a chronic CO2 retainer and had to wear a bipap at night time to help keep her levels from being too high. She survived septic shock twice in 2012 and has always fought her way back from multiple hospitalizations each year. However, in October 2019 that all changed. My mom went to the hospital October 6th able to eat and drink and with sharp cognition. She had aspiration pneumonia and ended up having a feeding tube placed because she suddenly couldnt swallow. Im not sure if she had a stroke while in the hospital or what exactly happened. She ended up being sent to a long term acute care facility where they were trying to rehabilitate her so that she could come home. After a 2 month stay, she was sent home on Hospice on December 12. She went down hill fairly fast. There was a time where she was getting up without assistance and was trying to relearn how to swallow. Then one day she just couldn't. She became extremely weak and was unable to get out of bed without 2 people assisting her. About a week before her death, she started to withdraw from me. She would smile and talk to other people, but she didnt say much to me. I was hurt by it honestly, because I had been the one taking care of her 24/7. I know now that she did it so that she would let go. My mom and I were very close and she did not want to leave me to go to the hospital in the past when she was sick, so I know that she would hang on even in death. Her last words before she became unresponsive was "my baby girl". After that she became unresponsive and did not talk or open her eyes. She had been wearing her bipap continuously because she was just having such a hard time breathing and I could not suction her without causing so much distress. I awoke one morning and she had a lot of mucus running from her nose and mouth and her oxygen was in the 70s. Her kidneys began shutting down. She was like that for around 3 days. The nurse told me that I needed to think about removing the bipap from her because it was possibly prolonging her life. After the nurse left, I went and sat beside her and held her hand. I stroked back her soft hair and told her how much I loved her and I removed the machine on my own terms. Needless to say, I was not prepared for what happened next. I guess I had some fairytale idea of what her death would be like. I hoped and prayed that she would pass away peacefully but it was not peaceful in my eyes. After removing the bipap she started doing the death rattle and her beautiful eyes open and became fixed. The nurse had me do some atropine drops and then give another dose of morphine. The nurse came back and sat with us shortly after that. She told me that the oxygen my mom was wearing was not helping and that it could be removed. She said that she would remove my moms trach to help with the secretions. But I did not let her do it. I did it. I guess it was my way of showing my mom that I was letting her go. I could sit there and tell my mom that it was okay for her to leave me and to go be with my dad and with God, but removing her trach was my way of freeing her from the chains that kept her here. She died 20 minutes later, drowning in her own mucus. She was purple and gasping for air and there wasn't anything I could do to save her. I promised her that I would always take care of her and that I would do everything in my power to save her. But, I failed her this time. I feel like I killed my mom by removing the bipap, tracheostomy, and oxygen. What if the oxygen would have at least lessened the air hunger she was experiencing? Did I hasten her death? I know she was dying but I can't help but feel responsible. I feel like the nurse pushed me into speeding up her death and I feel so incredibly guilty. Im so lost and alone and I just want my mom.
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