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JimJim

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Husband
  • Date of Death
    12/3/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Halycon of Denver

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  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Denver

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  1. 100% agree that your partner in life, the one that knows you better than anyone else, and yet still loves you unconditionally, as with all faults, there's also your merits, as with all things, we change over time, hardly are we ever the same person after 20 plus years, however with your true Soulmate, the person you were is always what we see, sure maybe you tame off somewhat, get a little easier around the edges, but are always still you, when you have the honor of getting gray with the one you adore, is there anything better in the world. When I lost my Nancy 3 years ago, my life fell apart, the world stopped turning for me, everyone's else's kept going and I couldn't understand why theirs continued, to me the world should have stopped spinning with someone giving me an answer why, why did my Nancy have to leave, she never hurt a soul, so why did life have to hurt her, why couldn't I have gone instead in her place, and ya know I still ask the same question, time goes by, but it might as well be 3 years ago still, time has changed nothing, just more days gone by without the love of my life, the reason of my existence. The day will come for me to go to her in the spiritual realm, and what a joyous day that will be, a day of rebirth, as I know my life started the day I met her Dec 3 1994 and ended the day she left, so a rebirth will happen over again, and will finally be HOME.
  2. Like the old saying goes, The Grass is always greener over the septic tank, now when in a relationship that is toxic, then by all means run away as fast as possible, but like in any relationship, if missing something, this too can bring a sense of loss, but as long as both are willing to work on it, this can be overcomed and fixed, it's an amazing thing how time in this situation does work, many times Nancy and I had our issues where we thought of walking away, but we stayed and in time our issues healed, and in the finale we would look at each other and know we are meant to be, she told me once Jim thanks for staying, and I kissed her and told her thanks for letting me. Are not judging or saying that all marriages can be saved, only that be sure of what your seeking, you just might find it, and sometimes the illusion is better than the reality. Good luck to her and the family, will need much support, but seems like she's found a fountain of support in you, what you and George shared is priceless, just as Nancy and myself, and it's unfortunate that not all get to experience the same joy of finding that one Soulmate that COMPLETES you, best of wishes!!
  3. Normal is something that no longer exists now, use to believe that life was fair, sure we had our issues with all the ups and downs, but at least we were facing them together, so everything still held promise, now today is just like yesterday, and tomorrow will be just like today, going through the motions of living, but really are only existing, the life Nancy gave to me, all the feelings inside I thought were mine, in reality were a combination of the two of us, working through life together, the safety and comfort were only there cause I knew at the beginning and end of each day, I was Loved by the only person in this world, for which it truly mattered, whenever out and about and I see a couple shopping and holding hands, I feel so envious, but happy for them, as they share the most priceless feeling in the world, the safety of Love!! Nancy's sister stopped communicating with me after I informed her that I would be holding onto Nancy's belongings, things of value she said belonged in the family, told her last time I checked, I am Nancy's family, told her after I leave it's all hers, monetary value holds nothing for me, it's just these things were important to her, therefore making them important for me, when my love left this world, her only sister called me only once, never to ask what arrangements I had made or where would Nancy be taken too, and during that one conversation, she advised me not to worry as I would be finding someone else soon, couldn't believe she told me that, I quickly ended the call, as mentioned I took care of things, and there is now a place for her and me when the time comes for me to say goodbye, which if happened today or tomorrow, wouldn't be too soon for me. And yes I also find that when in a conversation with family or friends, and I will begin talking of Nancy, it's as if they don't hear me and they will quickly change the subject, maybe my life doesn't exist in their world, but in mine, it's the most cherished thing I own, the memories of the most beautiful woman in the world to me, 1am and Nancy is calling me from the bedroom to ask if I could bring her a cookie, I Love her so much, and that my dear friends will never end ♥
  4. Each day waking up, sometimes wishing I wouldn't, but that's another story, anyways right after my lovely wife Nancy left this physical world, my whole life fell apart right in front of me, and to be honest, I didn't care, even just to think about anything that was happening right after, I didn't care, as she was my life, and everything that was included in it, all our hopes and dreams gone in a microsecond, life just didn't seem that important anymore, as what's the point in having dreams, if they're just going to be taken away, so I began living recklessly with no point towards the future, as my direction was gone, my reasons for waking up, going to work, being responsible, all of it gone, feeling like a machine getting up each day, was only breathing, not living, just here because - not knowing why I was still here, if the one true love of my life isn't here to share it with me, then what's the point. So I made a promise to Nancy that each day going forward I would find a project to complete on her behalf, in her honor, now we were living hand to mouth, so when she passed I couldn't even afford to bury her, so was only able to have her cremated and kept her urn with me, and I might add had no help from her only sister, as a matter of fact I only heard from Susan once after just to say she wanted some of Nancy's belongings. So the projects that I have completed so far have been to purchase a place for her remains and for mine when that day comes, all paid for, and also arranged for a Rabbi to recite Kaddish with all of her friends in attendance, keep in mind it took me a year to do this, also had a memorial booklet made up of some of her pictures and included a bio that I mailed to all of her close friends, and just recently had a DVD made up of her life story, showing her from a baby growing up to be the woman I adored, had it set to music, this was completed by a professional, and after ordering extra copies, found that nobody, absolutely no one is wanting a copy, now I understand that time has passed and people have moved on, but this hurt deeply, I suppose it was wrong for me to think that after almost three years since she left, that she would still be a strong part of their memory, as she is in mine, from the moment I wake up each day to the time I fall asleep, and in my dreams, Nancy is all I think about, each and every second of the day, I yearn for her and want so desperately to be with her, I understand I have to wait, but it kills me each second to be without her. I Love Nancy more than anything this planet now has to offer me, the only thing that is keeping me going is in the knowing that one day, that one special day, how I long for that day, that we will be a family again, not that were not now, but that day we will both be in the same place at the same time, and how glorious it will be, to finally finally be HOME again.
  5. I really admire your plans for the ceremony of both your's ashes after you leave, as Nancy and I were also adventurers in life, and I would agree that your wife would be thrilled with your plans, one last earthly adventure, and with the honeymoon being over, mine too ended Dec 3 2018, and I tell you, as for me, it could've just happened today as the agony and torture continues as if day 1, whenever someone tells me that Nancy would want for me to go on, to be happy again, I know they mean well, but I want to reach out and strangle them, I myself, me, I know what Nancy would want, you don't have a clue, and that's only for me to know. Couldn't have said it better myself, as Nancy was a Goddess, at least to me, she could light up a room like nobody else, and to her there were no strangers, all living things as she would say are interconnected, would trike up a conversation with anyone in her path as if she'd known them for years, and a sense of humor, when we would go to her hospital appointments, she would ask if it was okay for me to stay in the room as I was her emotional support animal Lol, and giving to a fault, she would become easily upset at the injustices of the world, as she was a huge supporter of equal rights, would give you half her sandwich if she felt you were hungry, and so intelligent, even though she had a master's degree, she never once put her herself above anybody else, would always say that were all part of the same universe, therefore we're all the same. And now my Goddess has left, and like you nothing will ever be the same, all the joy of living has vanished, poof gone, all the simple things that use to give us pleasure, walks in the park, driving trips up to he mountains, going to the movies, when doing these things now, it means nothing, there's no feeling inside of me, either good or bad, there's just nothingness, no longer get upset at anything, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to me, that can upset me anymore, the worst has happened, a nightmare that came true, the one important thing it has done to me, is that I no longer fear death, as a matter of fact, I welcome it with open arms, was on a flight recently that was experiencing severe turbulence, very big drops in the air, I noticed a couple in front of me that were arguing when boarding the plane, and continued to do so while in flight, when the turbulence hit, they stopped all the bickering and just held each other, realizing what is really important, the safety of your partner, I just sat there emotionless, not a shred of fear anywhere in my body, as a matter of fact I felt sorry for others, but I myself was ready and still are, as a matter of fact it would be a relief, when you've had the best in life, nothing can ever replace it, with my Nancy here, I had an excellent life, all my needs were met plus more, life was the best, more then I could have asked for, I was blessed and I am grateful for that, I had the most Soulful Beautiful Human at my side, and I was honored, truly a lucky man, and now with her physically gone, being here is just not as important anymore, not at all for that matter, and in a thousand years if nobody even remembers we were ever here, think that's a good thing, as only Nancy and I will remember, wherever we may be.
  6. So sorry for your loss!! I don't think it can be called pain, as it classifies more as intense agony just realizing that the one person, one person out of a world full of people, this one person held more of your life in her hands, then the entire world combined, the sun rose and set with her, that no matter what could happen to you, it didn't matter as long as we were together when it happened, we could override anything this world would throw at us, as long as we did it together, and now that one person is gone, never to come back, the one person who loved you no matter what, all our flaws and goofs, still loved you anyway, more then anyone else ever could, that one person is gone, the world is upside down now, and no longer makes any sense, and if there is no sense, then what's the point, I know the purpose of this forum is to help yourself and maybe others that experiencing the same pain, well I also think it should explore the dark side of loss, this is not something that you can just do this or that, and magically it's fixed, this will never be fixed, ever!! Life is quite clear how this works, somebody dies and that's that, life goes on for the living, so kick up your bootstrap and get on with it, that may work well for others, but not for me, I say okay life so you decided to harm me and make it stick, well I've got something for you life, you don't control everything, and you certainly don't control me, you life can stick it, when you have nothing, then you have nothing left to lose. Thank you I apologize if this offends anyone, is not the intention. Take care all.
  7. Like you we attempted the easy outs a couple times as well, the both of us, but like you both it never worked, when we found ourselves without the other, you have that emptiness inside that doesn't go away, you could be in a room filled with people having fun, but not you, as everything always had meaning because you were experiencing things together, and you have that gut feeling that you know it just isn't right to be apart, it was an eye opening experience, finding out just how lousy the world really feels without the other, but that when together. you never noticed, when together knowing that you are safe and loved, and that the world isn't really that bad, because you are facing it together, and the best part is that you are madly in love with the other, even though they could drive you cray sometimes, but the even better part is that you love one another, even knowing all of each others faults, the amazing thing is in every day life, whatever strength I lacked, I was able to find it in Nancy, and that transferred over to me, her strengths were mine, as mine were hers, and yes I understand the feeling, as when Nancy left earth, I didn't understand who I was any longer, as the biggest part of me left with her, and like you will never be the same. Acceptance is not a word I recognize, just because the world says I have to doesn't make it so, so I refuse to accept anything, I prefer to look at life now as it suits me, no longer adhering to the Norm as some might call it, and if that makes me cray, tis an honorable name, I suppose my thoughts are, that as long as I keep Nancy alive, still doing all the same things like buying her gifts and goodies that I place on what I call the table of life, have all her pictures from a baby, as a teenager, and our wedding pictures, actually have them scattered throughout the house, but this particular table is where I place all her gifts, also have a large framed picture with a studio lamp above it so that it lights up only the picture, in my eyes, as long as I keep her with me alive in my head, so that when my time comes, I wont have very far to go to get to her, I cannot and will not lose her again. Thank you all
  8. That's funny that he would go plowing thru the bags to find what you brought home for him, so sweet a gesture, amazing how this would always brighten up his day, as it did with Nancy, she'd go back to the couch opening one of the items, and would have a sweet smile for me, this was worth all the gold in the world to me, ya know at work they would sometimes feed us, and they would go all out, so when I received my plate, I would every time wrap it up in the fridge and take it home to Nancy, as I knew I was guaranteed that smile, and as she would always say you brought me Din Din for the Tum Tum, God how I Love her so! Gwen your stories of Steve are very sweet and loving, sounds as if you both found heaven on earth, perhaps you did, are not going that Nancy and I didn't create hell sometimes, we had our share, but thru it all, we prevailed with a bond stronger then it was before, we both became one, my therapist will tell me Jim you should have both held on to some autonomy, I tell her Doc that may be important to some, but it wasn't for us, would have been impossible as we could read each other like an open book, Nancy was a psychologist by trade, and once told me Jim you and I are very co-defendant, are you comfortable with that, remember taking her in my arms and whispering I wouldn't have it any other way. For all of us who bear the pain of losing just not our partners, but life as we knew it, our Heart's go out to all of you ♥ Sincerely and always Nancy and Jim.
  9. I agree as well, her exact words were these things need to stay in the family, last time I checked I am Nancy's family, as if she thinks we were shacking up for the 24 years together, are going to tell her, you don't believe me, check with social security, or better yet see this marriage license, what does it say on there? that my dear sister in law, and I use that phrase lightly, allows me full power of attorney, as a matter of fact when sometimes Nancy and I would bring up the conversation of life and death, she made me promise her that not to give Susan anything, as she was always jealous that Nancy was given these things and not her, what she really wants are the antique rings that Nancy was given by their grandmother, very expensive, Nancy never sold them and neither would I, haven't told her yet but these items, I already had them Interred with Nancy, so sorry charlie, no can do! Are just going to have to be blunt about it, with a little class, and tell her that this is not debatable, when I leave this earth, then she can have it all. Ya know I don't recall in any of the times we spoke, that she offered any comfort, no remembrances of Nancy, as if she never existed, except to lay claim to her belongings, so that as it is, are going to leave her alone, no further contact required except to give her the news. Thank you all for your responses to this delicate matter, each and every minute of my existence will be to honor Nancy, what she gave to me cannot be bought, she helped me in every way possible, I would have never made it this far without her, she showed me the world through the eyes of an artist, always embracing new things and very adventurous, I wouldn't change a single thing about my life and the decisions I've made, after all, it brought me to her, and this is priceless, I was indeed a very rich man, I only wish I could've told her that, maybe I did in the little things that I would do for her, she loved to eat, so I would always make sure she had her treats, like fruit jello, Boston cream pies, Magnum Ice cream, Pistachios, all the good stuff, every time when I would go shopping on the way home from work, as I walked in the door, she would come to the kitchen, first ask for her kiss, then would stand there like a little girl at Christmas as I took things out of the bags, knowing that I would always have a surprise for her, and this made her happy, these precious thoughts I will always carry with me, even though they make me cry. Again our Thanks to you all for being there for us, it is truly appreciated, Sincerely Nancy and Jim. P.S I never told Susan of Nancy's wishes for her not to receive any of her items, I wanted to spare her feelings, don't know why I thought that, apparently she never cared about mine.
  10. Nancy's sister lives in New York, as we live in Colorado, so when Nancy was on life support in the hospital as they were running brain scans for any activity, her sister Susan flew out here and was there at the hospital when I was told no activity, and that they recommended that the machine be turned off, I can still feel and see if as if it were this morning, so I didn't know what to do, and hospice was there to console me and act as a consult, they give you the standard info like quality of life, and that it would be in the best interest to turn off the machine, I still remember clearly when the machine was disconnected, I began watching her breaths as I wanted to inhale the very last one into my lungs, so she would know she wasn't alone, and afterwards I was so lost, leaving the hospital after being told that she had to be taken down to the morgue, I don't have a clue how I made it back to the house, but in the home alone with just me and our cat Samantha, I was completely in denial, still are really, keep thinking it was all a mistake as I could still hear her in the bedroom calling out for me, so very surreal, as if I was somebody else looking down at me, after a few days her sister called and said she wanted to meet me for dinner, so we met and she gave me $200 dollars and that was the last I heard from her, never called to ask about arrangements or anything, don't ask me how I was able to arrange anything, as I actually don't remember, but I did and had a final service for her friends to say goodbye, afterwards purchased plots for the both of us to be side by side in Chicago, Nancy's hometown, and all through this never heard from her sister, I sent to her a memorial book that I had made, that included the final resting place with directions of how to get there and the number for the plot, and still no response, oh she did call me once about two weeks after the hospital, and told me not to worry as I would find someone else eventually, to this day I still cannot fathom being told this, especially by her own sister, needless to say I ended the call, so last month she sent me an email telling me that she would be in Colorado this summer and is wanting to go through our things still in storage, so that she could pick out the things that belong to the family, some furniture Nancy brought with her from Chicago back in 86, so she stops all contact with me for close to two years couldn't care less where Nancy is laid to rest, as if she completely erased Nancy from her life, but yet she wants to come here and take things that belonged to Nancy as her own, I am not comfortable with this, now all of a sudden she wants Nancy's belongings, I have discussed this with my psychologist and she tells me to follow my heart, anyways I was able to get Susan to postpone her trip telling her that I was leaving the state for a couple months, so that I could decide the right direction to take with all of this, I'm just in wonderment that she has the gall to ask for anything, I just don't understand some people.
  11. Truly appreciate all your words of support, and yes going forward, I realize that nothing will ever come close, even a fraction close to what was once was my life, I always try to remind family and friends to tell those whom they love, just how much they matter, make them aware of your love, as I never even had a chance to say goodbye, as it was sudden, and that's what hurts the most, so now all I can do is hope she can hear me as I express to her my love all day long ❤ Mentioning trying to find the good in life, very difficult to do as are unable to find it, except for these times speaking with you fine people, as you all understand the plight we are all in, others just don't seem to get it, so I try to express to them, appreciate that your life is still together, that the person waiting for you at the start and ending of each day is still there for you, this is your treasure, so hold on as long and as tight as your able, as time and life are both fleeting and always changing! Always thought that I would have Nancy, as our love was the only thing that was permanent and unchangeable, but unfortunately even love cannot stop the tides of time. and yes the people that were willing to listen in the beginning have all but faded, they've moved on, and that's okay, as they have to live their own lives, but would appreciate if even just once, they would reach out to me with even only just a mention of Nancy, but I suppose they haven't held on to the lose, and is only a memory now, well this memory is still my life, and will remain so till my last breath. Wishing you Kayc and Nashreed and all others a Truly wonderful day.
  12. After losing Nancy Dec 3 2018, the most important person in my life, was in a fog for a really long time, still are, where the days just come and go, with nothing really mattering, so I questioned myself as to why I was still here, I should have left when Nancy did, so since then I have survived 4 suicide attempts, each time thinking I was doing enough to put me to sleep permanently, only to wake up, the last time I slept for 3 days afterwards, but that was the extent, and each time I would end up in the hospital psych ward only to be released to try again, I call them practice attempts now, as I could never get the calculations right, my last attempt was Oct 16th 2019, was trying to hang myself and the bar that I was using for support of the belt broke off, so it was then that I stopped drinking, sober now since, and in that time I have joined zoom groups for grief support by hospice, have talked with several psychologists and psychiatrists, have gone to psychics and mediums, but they seem always to relay the same message of healing, and that Nancy is with me, I suppose ethically they're unable to tell you anything else for liability issues, wish I could find someone to be brutally honest with me about death and dying. I myself have conversations with Nancy all the time, as I could never stop doing that, is a daily habit I have no intention of kicking, but I find that all of her friends, the ones she loved dearly, have all forgotten her, except for one Cathy, she is true blue, but even my friends and family are not interested in me talking about her whenever I do they quickly change the subject, I suppose they've moved on and there's nothing wrong with that, they have their own lives to live, but still you would think that by looking and listening to me, that somehow they would know that my life stopped that Dec night and looking back is all I have, as I will never experience that life of happiness again. So basically everyone that said they would be there for me have disappeared, no longer wanting to hear my story, for them it's out of sight, out of mind, but for me it's 24 hours each day going back in time, to Miss, Love and remember just how lucky I was, the most Beautiful woman in the world to me, Loved me, with that I was able to love myself, Nancy held me together, she's the one that kept me going, now leaving only emptiness inside, I would tell my doctors how can I kill myself when I already feel dead inside, feel like I am on life support needing someone to pull the plug. Just a note, are no longer suicidal nor impulsive to do so, are willing to wait it out till my time comes, but I tell you this, if I were to drop dead right now for some unknown reason, it would be a dream come true> Thank you
  13. Funny and sad story, Nancy and I were returning home from work one evening, and there these kids in front of our complex, and they were playing with this cat, ya know how kids play with things, they were like holding this cat by the front and back legs, so we asked them to be a little more gentle, they then replied it's not our cat, and we don't know who it belongs to, apparently these downstairs tenants moved away and left the cat on it's own, how horrible is this, why would a decent person just abandon a pet, so Nancy tells me Jim lets take the cat upstairs and tomorrow we can take it to the dumb friends league, well once upstairs we gave it a bowl of food and water, this kitty being afraid of everything, well it took off behind the waterbed and stayed there for two days before coming out of hiding, it apparently got hungry enough, so by now, taking this kitty anywhere was out of the question, and thus became our very first cat, we already had a Cocker Spaniel and the two of them became the best of friends, gave her the name of Gracie-Nancy's idea lol, only to find out after a cpl of weeks we took her to get her shots, only to find out is was a male, so we immed changed the name from Gracie to Graystone, and we loved him till leaving us a few years later of natural causes, was older then we thought, but he was loved. So just the thought of someone using a pet, then discarding it is absolutely deplorable and inexcusable, pets are people too with emotions just like the rest of us, they completely rely on us, and in return shower us with unconditional love, is there anything better!!
  14. I did have an officer ask me what I was doing with Nancy's drivers license around my neck, I told him why, and he just left it at that, you would have to shoot me before I would part with them!! The only way for me to sleep at night is to take meds and I also have to put into bed with me are some articles of clothing, even just the remote scent of her brings me some comfort, not enough, but some, I made a promise to Nancy in the hospital that I would never let go, would carry her to my last human breath, and that afterwards my issue will be solved as we will be together again under the love of the Creator, how I long for that day as only then will I be HOME again.
  15. Without Nancy being here to experience seeing new things together, I'm finding it difficult to have any feelings when doing anything at all, and finding someone else would totally be unfair to that person only because I could see me comparing to a fault, and that wouldn't be right, and besides loving Nancy for the 26 years together was more than equivalent to a lifetime, my only joy and purpose at this time are the projects I am putting together in her honor, are having a DVD put together of her life set to music with a short introduction by me, will be giving to family and friends, are finding it getting more and more difficult to find anyone to listen to my story as most everyone has moved on, is no longer a story of interest to them, they lost a friend and sister, but losing Nancy to me, meant losing my life, so was easy for them to just move on past it, out of sight, out of mind, and that's okay for them, they didn't love her the same way I do, and yeah that's okay for them, so at least I still have myself to talk to, and Nancy, I prefer to be alone, saves me the aggravation of having to explain myself to them, as I carry a picture of her around my neck anytime outside, I have her picture taped to my car visor, and no matter where I go, are always in conversation with her, as this is what is keeping me breathing, anyways best wishes to all of you
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