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JimJim

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About JimJim

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    Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Husband
  • Date of Death
    12/3/2018
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Halycon of Denver

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Denver

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  1. I would like to start off by Thanking everyone here at this forum, you are all Fantastic, and I hope that you are able to survive all the things that come with losing the most important person in your lives, it's like an never ending roller coaster ride that never stops, all the ups and downs with no end in site!! You have all been there for me, and for others with words of kindness and forgiveness, and I am Thankful, I cannot get over, and I have spoken with professionals, and was in the hospital most of last year since Nancy left on Dec 3rd 2018, have a psychologist that I speak with every week, I have spoken with Chaplains, Priests, Rabbi's, and Mediums, and joined a local Grief group, I have done everything I possibly can to try and understand this, but are unable to adjust to her not being here, with only her Memory to live with, it just isn't enough, you see I was the one that performed CPR on her the night she passed, she told me she didn't feel well, and I brushed it off, telling her that it would pass, I didn't believe her, thinking that she was just asking for attention, which I should have given to her, even without asking, and when I found her, she had already collapsed, she went too long without oxygen before starting CPR, and two days later, had to remove her from the machine, so you see, I am to blame, it's not a what if, even though the Doctor's told me there wasn't anything I could have done, given the cause of an Aortic Dissection that opened, causing internal bleeding, the fact that she came to me in her moment of desperate need, and I wasn't there for her, she relied on me, and I did nothing short of abandonment, so here I am, not crying because I feel sorry for myself or pity myself, I am here due to blatant negligence of not being there when it mattered, with her life the price.and our lives destroyed. I Adored her, and always put her on a pedestal, I always put her needs before mine, but not that night, not that night, she was my life, and I took it for granted, and now my price is continued suffering, of which there is no cure, I passed away on that same night, and where I belong is with her, I only pray that she will forgive me, I lost the only thing in this world that mattered the most to me, this is not a what if, or misplaced guilt, this is a what happened, and there's no changing it, no second chance, so I will have to suffer this for the rest of my lousy life, God that I wish it would end. Thank you again for listening, and wish you all a pleasant day! Nancy and Jim
  2. Dropstereo, your right about the what if's, it is a killer, I hope answers are able to allow you some closure!! My Nancy had a Aortic Dissection and the doctors told me there was nothing I could have done, I racked and racked my brain, thinking what I could have done to catch it before it caused her harm, if I had forced an MRI, if I had just done anything forcing her to the doctors office, anything!! and I didn't and here I am, without the most important person in my life, and I keep thinking what if. and the guilt, it was my job to protect her from anything harmful, and I failed! all of these feelings inside of me, make me feel like exploding, I don't know about the what if's, if it ever goes away, or the guilt, sometimes I feel like it's the only thing here on earth that I can still hold onto physically about her, that nobody can take away, not even god!! I hope you are able to get through this period of time ok, it will be hard! Take care of yourself!! P.S sometimes through local Hospice, they are able to recommend local grief groups, of course right now they are online. Bye
  3. When I first came to meet the Woman, that turned my life into something beyond spectacular, I knew right away, and only after a 2 month courtship, we got married Dec 3rd 1994, will never forget the Candlelight Chapel in Las Vegas, then sharing nachos across the street at Circus Circus in place of a wedding cake, then dancing the night away at the Aladdin Casino with an Earth Wind and Fire Concert, starting our lives together, that would take to us through many a years, some good, some bad, but through it all, we emerged victorious, and after 25 years looking forward to another 25, that never came, these were going to be the best years, as we were already speaking to one another w/o ever even opening our mouths, call it telepathic or intuition, it's called true Magic!! Every day I wake up and there is this feeling deep within me, that the Universe is off balance, something is not right, and of course I know what it is, it's not hearing her voice in the morning asking me to call her at break and lunch, then giving me a kiss to start the day, My purpose is gone, and my only wish is to be with her, how I long for that day!! I read an article the other day that the actress Bea Benaderet who passed away back in 1968, her husband Eugene passed just two days after her of a broken heart, and I think to myself what a lucky man!! Thanks again for listening, wishing you all a fair and good day! with warmest regards, Nancy and Jim
  4. My sincere condolences Dropstereo on the loss of your Soulmate so recently, so young in life she is at 33, there are no words to describe what you must be going through, the heartache and longing to be with her just one more time, it never goes away, I would keep telling myself that it wasn't real, that I would wake up soon, and this was all a nightmare, I don't want to tell you all the standard lines, and I've heard them all, "she is in a better place, or she is no longer suffering and can now rest in peace" a better place is with me here and now, and she can rest herself on my shoulders, here is where she belongs!! Friends and relatives as you say are attentive at first, then that fades as their lives go on uninterrupted, as the emptiness that we feel goes on, each day in a fog trying to understand it all, and after over a year now, I still don't understand, or maybe I just don't want to? the only thing i know is that my life is missing the only thing that made it a life! I apologize for not having something better to tell you, except to say that your feelings are valid, two lives together, two people connecting as one, can never be matched, or forgotten!!
  5. Very kind words, Thank you for that!! yes Nancy did cause me to feel like I belonged here, she gave me a sense of purpose, a reason to get up and live for the day, she allowed me to see the world through her eyes, and it was very colorful, filled with hope and wishes for a good day and even a better tomorrow! actual hope, real feelings, things I no longer have, if it's possible to be on this planet just for the purpose of breathing, then I have found it, I know there is nothing that can be done to bring things back, understanding life doesn't work that way, are not wishing to be so foreboding, nor grim, Nancy is always so happy, even during the bad times, she always has hope, if you notice, I do not speak of her in past tense, as I believe she is with me always, you should see the faces of people when they see me speaking with her, thinking I'm crazy!! I am crazy over her, and will be till I join her, We are wishing all of you an amicable day, as best you can under the circumstances of missing our Loved ones. Yours Truly Nancy and Jim.
  6. Thank you all for your support, during these most difficult times, it's most appreciated! you know strange thing is how much time keeps going by, the days come and go, and each day is the same as the last, empty! the only thing that is keeping me going are my projects for Nancy, she is an artist, and I have all of her paintings on a website that I opened for her, we always thought about opening a gallery to showcase her work, so I included a Bio of her growing up in Chicago, getting her Masters in Psychology, then settling in Denver where we live, Nancy was born in 47, so she was into the 60's era of marching for human rights and racial equality, loves Bill Maher on Friday nights lol. She made me into the man that I am today, with her I was special, she made me feel special, because she is Special, w/o her I just feel empty, void of all emotions, except for the Love that I feel for her, I have a few more projects for her that I am still working on, however once these are completed, my work will be done, I am doing all these things in her honor, things I promised her in life!! My wish is once these are completed, the Creator will say, Jim your work is done, welcome to the Kingdom, you may now join Nancy!! Thank you all again for your lending ear, We Thank you, both Nancy and myself, and wish you all the best during these most difficult times!! With warmest regards, Nancy and Jim.
  7. Strange thing how quickly friends and relatives lose interest, like if it's not today"s news, then why bother? when I first lost My Beautiful Nancy back in Dec/2018, everyone I spoke with was willing to lend a helping ear, and i had a lot to say, but the same people now, if I bring up my struggles and feelings that i have inside, nothing has changed, I am still unable to face any facts, still thinking that Nancy will be home waiting for me when I get home from work, asking for a kiss like she always does, when I mention these feelings to my supposed friends and relatives, they quickly change the subject on me, act as if they didn't hear me, like I'm not going to notice! so I just don't call them anymore, I suppose they're not to blame, life has gone on for them, but for me, I am still on that hospital ward having to make that horrible decision for her that would turn off the machine, and cause me to lose the only thing in my life that mattered the most to me! I too feel completely vacant inside, have no emotion about anything, the only feeling I have now is the yearning and wanting and praying to be where Nancy is, for the Creator to take me too, why not, I have nothing left here any longer, after 25 years together, we were never apart, so why now!! Nancy was my only reason for being here, and me for her, to take care of one another, we were put on this earth for this simple reason, now the reason has ended and the Lovely job completed, I pray each night that the Creator will take me to her, I only hope the Creator is listening, as I am ready!!
  8. My Nancy, and she will always be My Nancy, my teacher, my best friend, my superstar, my love, my soulmate, wrote this in her journal, that I found, I pray she forgives me for invading her privacy, but it's all I physically have left with her actual writings to adore!! She writes: I'm traveling thru the internet, filled with opinions and info data at light's speed, and it's stowing my growth, what to believe? What is real in this new virtual world that's sprouting our opinions faster, but distancing our souls? Needing CONFIDENCE to believe in me, I have the answers, don't need polls and surveys to know who I am, and what I need to do. We don't need to all be alike, they don't need to be like us. We or they from the 60's-anti war, Vietnam over again, Repub/Dems divided, polarity among the people. Wanted to share this with you, this is my wife Nancy' she is a Lovely rebel from the 60's, always seeking the truth, and I love her!!
  9. So true about things that happen now, that have no effect on me, just a month ago our car caught fire, and just like that no car, then while staying at a Motel 6, had a priceless antique ring stolen, it was pricey, but that meant nothing, as it was the sentimental value, as this was a ring that Nancy had received from her Grandmother long ago, and dumb me gets it stolen, but even that had little effect on me, there isn't anything left in this world to hurt me, the worst has already happened, everything now just falls by the wayside. Losing Nancy, in essence I lost My world, never to be replaced, my only joy right now if you can call it that, is in knowing that I will be with her soon, a world without your one true soulmate, is not a world, it is merely a planet where you exist, I am not going to do anything drastic or anything like that, for now existing is all there is, but one day the Heavens will open up, and Nancy will come to me, lead me by the Heart, and never let me go, I don't plan to ever lose her anytime over again, our next reunion will be Everlasting. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts, are truly appreciative!! Nancy and Jim P.S Nancy's sister wont even speak with me, because every time I sign off, I do so with Nancy and Jim, she told me are you always going to be Nancy and Jim, said you can be just Jim you know, I told her very politely, not for as long as I live and breathe, it will always be Nancy and Jim, another example of how soon people forget, even in your own family, I feel sorry for her for not being able to carry the Love, maybe I shouldn't judge, perhaps this is just her way of dealing with the loss, although when speaking with her is hard to tell, not my issue. Have a terrific day everyone, Thanks again for the listen, Always Nancy and Jim
  10. I cannot stop crying, I cannot stop wishing to go back in time, it's not fair that the rest of the world goes on, as if nothing has happened, all of our friends that were supportive in the start, have now moved on, as if this is all in the past, and no longer applies any longer, I try to reach out to them and they no longer have the time to talk about My Nancy, its just not important to them any longer. This is my life, and still is, My life came to an end, My family no longer here, how are you supposed to adjust to that, everything you have known and Loved and lived for, gone in an instant, all the feelings inside of you erased away, just so dead inside, that I only feel numb! No reaction to anything any longer, No joy, No hope, not anything, I wish I could just disappear, it's been over a year, and only seems to be getting worse, everyday I wake up and say what for? My only prize in life was to hear her voice each morning, and to hold her each night, I knew what I was living for, now I wake up only to breathe and exist, nothing more, there is no more quality to life, all gone in an instant!! Thank you for allowing me to speak, stops me from crying, just for a moment! Have a good day everyone, Best Wishes!! Jim and Nancy!!
  11. I keep asking myself over and over again, and others always keep telling me not to worry, as the pain will lessen with time, I tell them that I may have missed something in the process of my Grief, in that in how they know this, and I don't? Time may heal a cut or a bruise, but it will never heal a broken heart, my condolences to you all for the lost of someone most cherished! but losing My Nancy, I am unrecoverable, and the truth is I wish to remain so, not that I wish to remain in mourning, quite the opposite, I believe that what I carry with me when I leave this earth will lead me to where I wish to go, and that will be straight to my Nancy, for I also believe that she is grieving there without me, born Souls together that happened to cross this earth at the same time, I want Nancy to know that I cried for her every day, that I had to be here without her, it is with this that will take me to her, I think people tell me to adjust, to make it easier for them, and to each their own!! As for me, I will remain in sorrow till reunited with My Love. With deep respect to you all, Jim and Nancy
  12. Just as My Lovely Bride Nancy was to me in life, so shall it be in the Afterlife, the physical body may go back to the earth, but the person still stays, the shell we carry with us is merely a portal to what is coming after, I have spoken with Nancy on many lucid visits, and in these visits there is speaking without a single word ever being spoken, she tells me of the wonders of the Afterlife, nothing like most may think it is? rather it is a place in the mind and spirit, as we evolve, it is not the energy that carries us, it is where you are already now here on earth, there is no measure of time or space, it is what you carry here, that you carry there, if in your heart the true soul of yourself is so connected to another, so it will be connected after, only the physical body changes, not who you are. Nancy has promised me a Lifetime at her side, never to leave again, we will be Forever there just as we were here, she is waiting for me, and that wait will one day come, she is My Today, My Tomorrow, My Everlasting Being, she is My Life!!
  13. Not to trade of one of the Carpenter's greatest hits, but this title is so true for me, when I first met My Lovely and Beautiful Life's partner Nancy 25 years ago, Sept 19th and married Dec 3rd 1994, same year, My friends and hers were concerned that we were rushing into it, and to think things over, luckily we did not heed their advice, something inside of us knew this was something, and something was right, oh don't get me wrong, we had out up's and downs just like everybody else, but yet we stood the test of time, and if possible, our Love grew stronger, for no one on this planet knew us, better then we knew each other. She was and is the voice I hear in the mornings, that gets me ready for the day, to deal with all that life throws at you, and are able to deal with it all, because you know where you are going at the end of the day, to the one true person that loves and understands you, and laughs at all your stupid jokes, and doesn't ask for anything more as you walk in the door, of just a Kiss, and is truly happy to see you, and this is the one thing money can't buy, the true feeling of home, as home is not a place where you live, it is a place that fills inside that you know is forever, where do you go from that, the truth is you don't, her shoes can never be filled, and the Love never replaced, My one and only true wish was to grow old with her, and leave at the same time!! I spend my days now waiting for the Creator to take me, so that I may be with her again, in the same place, so that once again I will be HOME!!!!!! Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts of my Beautiful Nancy Weiss
  14. Good morning, just arriving here at work, funny strange that I go through the motions of living, but are not? time stopped for me the moment I had to make the decision of Life support, My world came crumbling down around me, and everything about my life was erased, all of our hopes and dreams of growing old together, living what time we had here on earth together, all gone in an Instant, and I am supposed to recover from this! the woman that held my life in her hands, My guide, My best friend, My Lover, My soulmate, is no longer here to help me lead the way, the one and only true love of my life is not here, and I am lost, my entire Identity wiped out, when she left. so did I, the best part of me went with her, and all I am left here is just a shell of my former self, going through the motions, but not living, all of the feelings inside of myself have gone, I feel nothing but heartache, that will never be repaired, just waiting out my time so that I may be with My Nancy again, after 25 years together she is all I know, and all I want to know, for others,friends and family they have moved on, and I don't blame them, they still have their lives and identities, but for me time stopped that day on Dec 3rd 2018, it stopped never to resume again, until we are reunited once again for all of Eternity, and how that will be glorious!! Thank you for listening to my story, as everyone has grown tired of me telling had a so called friend tell me just the other day, that I was carrying Nancy as a crutch, so that I didn't have to apply myself to anything and that I could continue to feel sorry for myself, I won't go into details, but to say, I pray that he doesn't have to find out for himself for a long time to come, I no longer get angry at ignorance, it is an affliction just like any other disease, but that's for another discussion!! Everyone have a terrific day out there and all the Best Wishes, Nancy and Jim.
  15. I have been reading book after book, listening to forums on you tube, as to what happens to us after the physical body stops working? it has been only a little over a year since I lost my Beautiful wife Nancy, we didn't have any children after 25 years together, we were too busy spoiling one another! so all of our time was spent together, going through all the good and the bad, we never once at any time felt hopeless, as I do now! we always knew that as long as we were together, we could get through anything!! I have been attempting to find ways of communicating with her, as I am now a firm believer in the Afterlife, I believe that she is always at my side, taking care of me as she always did, this is why I have chosen to remain steady in my marriage, she is still at my side, nothing has changed, only the physical presence has altered, but to ever bounce into another relationship, I firmly believe would be a disservice and a dishonor to the woman of my life, and besides I could never love another, she is the only woman for me!!! I believe that when I leave this planet she will be there waiting for me, and happy with my choices, as she will know the true depths of my Love, extended even beyond the physical body!! Thank you for letting me share this thought, as it is impossible for me to explain this to anyone, as they would not understand, and believe me I have tried. May you all have a restful and peaceful evening!! G-Night.
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