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About Dre'

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    south Africa

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  1. I know that feeling of feeling like this is the end...or at least the beginning of the end.....I must also say that before my husband passed I never really had a feeling like that.....I was a real contender and always trying to spread hope..... Now I am in hiding and feel like the earth could split at any moment and swallow the kids and I.... I am sorry to hear that your health is deteriorating. I hope you at least have meds to offer relief for your condition.... Even sorrier that you lost your "Lancelot".... I wish I had pearls of wisdom to impart but I am into this day 89 now as it's pass 1am....and it seems as if you're been living with this ugly monster "grief" for a while now......I honestly can't say where people find the strength from to survive such a devastating blow as to lose their spouse and still go on and piece things together.... and even inspire others. I can't speak for the rest of the world but I know what my husband and I shared was magic..... it was and still is crucial and integral to my being. I have noooo clue as to how to make it through this horror and it takes everything out of me. I wish I could tell you something like I hang on for my kids' sake but it is not that. They are miserable and express that several times a day.....so they too see the pushing through meaningless days, as just existing.... but here we are still standing..... not sure whether to be grateful for this or ticked off..... we are here nonetheless..... This grief experience is merciless and horrific, it's difficult any way you dice it....so try to be kind to yourself......will keep you in my prayers❣
  2. Hi there, Writing is my passion and I have done a lot of content writing and that type of thing and was working on quite an amazing piece a book actually. This situation I find myself in has just made anything I deemed good come to a screeching halt. Yes I definitely meant to write that my husband is my past and was my future because if you think about it everyone who has lost a partner is struggling with this very concept. People say find new dreams etc..... it's so sad to release or replace our dreams simply because life happened. Yes it's the circle of life but from where I am standing this circle is vicious beyond measure. Picking up the pieces or even attempting to is soooooo much more than just moving through these ugly emotions. It is about accepting that you are changed forever and unfortunately changed is another diplomatic way of saying you are now broken forever..... I guess all we can do in this relentless sea of grief is try to hang on for dear life and not let it swallow us whole. It may not always be apparent as to why we are hanging on but our survival instincts kick in and we push back even if we are not aware of this. We are hard wired this way..... We are all looking for hope and so desperately want it to be more than a figment we want to reach out and grab it and cage it if we could so we can have that always...... My husband was that for my kids and I....that hope that "thing" that's good in the world .... when he told us not to stress about something, I knew implicitly it will be ok because he will make sure it is ok.....and it's all I ever needed..... This grief journey is treacherous......I don't like this scary roller-coaster....and sometimes it feels like I am riding it, without a safety belt....and it could suck me into its abyss and into nothingness. I guess everyone in this group feels like this at some point..... Good luck to you all 💓❣
  3. When the day is done and I have completed my usual chores plus the added ones of my husband.... and when the dreaded night rears it's ugly head, I can't believe that I made it through the day. The truth is I never forget how I am hurting or as soon as I drop my son off at school I sob and sometimes howl all the way home, just the thought of my husband not seeing that day destroys me. I get gome cry until I am exhausted the get out of my car and start the routine with the 3 year old who is awake by this time. I can't really say that keeping busy helps because I am busing all day long but I never forget, but I can say that it does distract your focus and attention to something constructive and that NEEDS to be done. I seem so "together" from an outside perspective, that I am carrying on etc but it is one huge STRUGGLE. I too think about giving up and giving in because all of it is so monotonous and cruel....I push through the difficult day only to toss and turn through the night and then wake up and do it all over again......I wonder why am I pushing through this day to get to tomorrow's misery? Ohhhh and it is misery and it is growing worse as the reality is cemented. I still pray relentlessly because it's all I have ever known but I also often feel what is it all for?..... Yes my folks and sister sort of take turns staying qith the kids and I but do have theor own lives to return to..... I hate all the talk about being able to adjust to a different type of ok and know and accept that my life has changed forever because I had no trouble with how my life was 88 days ago..... but the truth is nothing will be the same again and in the end we are standing on that threshold of grief and pain ALONE.... All the things you say you can't do or think you aren't able to do......you have been doing it all this while and that's something. It counts even if you feel it's miniscule or inconsequential. I keep telling myself that I don't want this one thing to define me or who I am .....I don't want being a widow to be all I am..... but how can that be when all that I was and loved for is now gone? How can I not focus on that? It is impossible and although many feel that you can't live in the past and think of the life you don't have now and should focus on the future.... I find this so difficult because my husband is my pas and was my future. He was "my happy ending".... and that is not something I or another in my situation can easily let go off.... So be kind to yourself and don't drag yourself down on the verrrry bad days....they all are bad and best case scenario they will all be bad qith tiny fragments of light and hope splashed here and ther...... I hope you go out a few times a week....even if it's to walk your dog....clear your mind and try to channel your energy towards something different....I know this is difficult but spark an interest somewhere else. It doesn't have to work like magic or be expected to erase the pain.... it will deter you even if it is momentarily......This morbid journey is all about one moment to another I hope that even a tiny bit of this helps even in the teeniest way. Sending all the good vibes I can muster, your way....
  4. It just blows my mind that this is my kids and my reality...... sucks!!!!! And you are soooo right just getting out of bed and getting through an hour which turns into a day and now 87 days is a miracle in itself!!!! Take care!
  5. Hello, Yes very true. I get it ....the stronger and more equipped I am the better care I can give them. Easier said than done.....I am trying to do my best though it may not be enough and it also makes no sense or point to want to be anything from here on out. Sorry for the melancholy but it all feels so pointless.....but I will keep standing. Thank you for the links they are helpful.... Beeeeg hugs
  6. Thank you Gwenivere, I know the pain never leaves and is ever constant. I am sorry that your trauma was drawn out for years and ended with the awful result despite all you had already been through. Yes we are alone with grief and how it makes us feel and it is unique to everyone, but it does change.....My kids are so innocent and say things like if the only way they can be with their dad is to go to God then that's what they want. I said when God wants them he will take them but in the meantime we should be grateful for what we have. The 3 yr old wants to go to go to a forest to find poison berries for us 3 so we can "go to God". I feel like such a fake when I encourage them because it doesn't help yet I say these things I don't mean. My 7yr old is quite emotionally mature and says exactly how he feels. Says he is miserable and asks daily who decided "up there" to ruin our beautiful family..... His questions and expressions pierce through my just as much as this grief does. Always lurking in the background....waiting to surface and diminish me...... I pray we can see ourselves getting through this....today is exactly 12 weeks it happened...day 84 and I don't know how I dragged us 3 to this day......
  7. it definitely is an ongoing process. it's too overwhelming to absorb in a day or maybe even in a decade..... one day at a time I guess......
  8. thank you. this does help as well as I don't have to explain myself.....
  9. Thank you for your time. You only understand a situation if you have experienced it. Glad to know there are people out there who get it. Some people are so insensitive in their approach and offensive. Yes grief is a sea....not something you can overcome and some days may not be as bad as others but the ebbs and flows keep tossing and I am rendered powerless and just go with the tide and not fight it. Just keeps getting worse and more real. Morbid feeling....it's also horrific to know that there are so many other people who feel like I do..... I guess no justification will ever satisfy me as to why this is so. Good chatting.....
  10. Thank you so very much for your kind and endearing words. To take all that time to reply. I really appreciate it!!!! I know God hasn't left my side just don't understand or can't accept that he didn't stop this awful thing. You're right it's not so much I want to die but I don't want to see another sunrise and know he is not here. I am sorry that you didn't have more time with your husband......I know that's what death does to people....makes us greedy, greedy for one more hug, one more kiss, one more smile...... I will definitely use these links. Thanks again. Most helpful....... sending love your way Dre'
  11. I am 39 at present will turn 40 in May. I have 2 children. A 7 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. On 28 December 2019, whilst waiting for my husband to come home so we could eat dinner together as we did every night, I got a call from a paramedic asking if I knew him. He went on to tell me that he was in an accident which was literally less than 1k from our home. I put the kids into my car and rushed over, there were lights and a crowd of people. I never expected for him to be dead but he died waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I didn’t go to him and it felt so unreal to hear he died in a crash as he was an excellent driver. It’s day 80 and the truth is it’s getting worse each day. The kids and I cry every day. It feels so worthless to be alive. I have never had a suicidal thought in my life but I pray that God takes us to him because the pain is unbearable. We are a very religious family and he was such a prince! Always in love and always made me feel like his girlfriend. He was an excellent caring dad too. we are lost without him and I also feel like I don’t even have religion to help me through because I don’t know what is real anymore. All we feel is pain and misery. I feel helpless when the kids cry and ache for him. This can’t be fixed and that in itself makes everything else meaningless. I curse everyday that we are here without him. We are lost in this sea of grief and people who I have spoken to who have gone through this decades ago are still struggling and are essentially miserable. I don’t want to be like that and I wake up and get the kids ready for school etc but it has no passion attached. I knew my husband from age 14. I just want him back or for us to be together. It feels like we weren’t allowed to be happy. Whilst I know that this ugly thing called grief is not specific or unique to me and people suffer daily, this tragedy is something I can’t work through. I am constantly in pain even though my son and I go to a bereavement specialist who also has gone through this 22 years and still dealing with it. I can’t live for years to come only wishing my husband was here. I keep feeling that God made a mistake he couldn’t have allowed this to happen…. we are ruined and broken. I was such a strong contender and would never encourage anyone to wallow in self pity but that’s just it this is my reality now. No explanations or reasons. Just woke up one day and my entire family and our existence shattered. As strong as I am I know this is the one thing I can’t deal with or manage. Time only makes it worse…..soooo much worse! I just don't understand the point of 4 lives being destroyed and how do we go on convincing ourselves otherwise and basically waiting to see him again? It is inconceivable for anyone to expect this from us or think this is possible. My son got his first grade 2 report today he went to pieces cause his dad wasn't there to see it. There is a lifetime of this emptiness and that is the harsh reality of what is now my life. Just hurts soooooooo much
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