Dre'

It sucks that some couples need to be reminded that they should be more appreciative of their partner, when here we are serving as the examples or poster children of "what you never want to happen to you"..... I am 39, not sure if that is the contributing factor that warranted unsolicited senseless and inappropriate advise....like "ohhh you're young" or "you will see.....you won't be like this for too long....in a few years you may even be married again"...... yes you're reading accurately.... I know my husband from the age of 14. We made a conscious decision to be together and share our lives together....I didn't pick him out of a "police line up" and say mmmmm yeah he will do. In the beginning I used to retaliate.....now I just avoid people though A LOTTTT of them became magicians and vanished real quick a few days later.... Can't say I am surprised though.... now not much sparks a reaction from me....someone who was soooo opinionated prior to this horror.... it's probably because I am so consumed by and with pain. Being a single parent to two small kids, something I never planned on doing but then again not many plan this but you know what I mean..... The tasks that lie ahead seem so impossible almost.....there seems to be no reason or passion attached to anything I do..... yet STILL I do them. Yes being a mother does take precedent over any of my worries or fears..... but the pain is always lurking.... Sorry that you are struggling to make it through the day only to get the same misery the next day....yes it does seem nebulous....but what other choice do we have except to keep going ..... until we can be nestled in the arms of our loved ones once again...... Will keep you in my prayers .....

Hi All, Everything you say rings true and holds logic...... the pain is paralyzing. All the things for me to do on this longggggg way we have to go the kids and I. I have heard a lot of people who try to sum up this grief thing saying stuff like we are all born alone and we don't need another person to affirm who we are and we are missing how that person made us feel and that is why we feel broken, and incapable of moving forward. I have to say that this has to be the most clueless summation I have ever heard. Grief isn't about being self absorbed, being hurt from actual pain and discomfort and misery of trying to conceptualize that a person could literally be well and fit in the day and then die on impact in an accident the very same evening. It is not something that can just be dealt with in a strategic or pragmatic way ...... this topic has been researched and dissected into every notion imaginable and still bobody has it pegged down..... that is because it is so perplexed and there is no right or wrong way to face this....we are all different. I myself am not an emotional person I am actually very practical and as unbiased and impartial as I can possibly be. This is the one thing that I have prayed for years to not happen to us, not sure why I prayed relentlessly over this but I think it's because I knew it's the one thing I could never recover from or even move forward from. I have never had a suicidal thought in my life but I often feel like this pain is sooooo intense that I could combust from it, and despite me being able to drag us to day 97 (today) I have no idea how. To hear both the kids sit at their dad's frame and beg him to take them to where he is, if he is unable to return home, those words pierce through me like a samurai sword, leaving me impaled, but mainly helpless because I know the alternative every one...os wothout him so it just won't do..... At times I literally feel like it is my last breath and my heart has taken as much as any one heart can take ..... I often feel like if I wasn't a rational being I would have ended us 3 on day one of this horror, just on impulse from the pain. I looked at it as a form of euthanasia or something similar, human is suffering is still human suffering. One is physical and tangible and the other is on the inside which can be a lot trickier..... I know this sounds crazy to some but according to my bereavement specialist it is apparently normal for us to feel like this right now as the shock has not dissipated yet..... I guess we really have no other choice butttt to take it one step at a time and 1 day at a time.....until the intensity subsides.... for now that is the most the kids and I can hope for....that this draining exhaustive feeling does in fact change to at least a notch down..... here's crossing fingers.....and toes Keep well all!!!!

Dear Gwenivere...... I didn't want to be the total pessimist by being realistic. This grief is here to stay....whether it changes along the way it never leaves..... no justification will ever suffice or offer solace even if every God descended to earth to sit each one of us down and explained it all... we would never be satisfied or whole again. The question is how far can we go with this new broken person we are? Yes people who have not experienced this say very dumb things and I already have grown tired of telling myself that they mean well...... surely on some level they should be aware of what they are saying.....but they make it about them and how they can feel comfortable around us.....as if we are going to get our "sad" all over them...as if it were as contagious as COVID 19...... People only pay attention and take note when they are going through something first hand.....they are truly sorry for our pain though also grateful it is second hand to them....relieved even....I can't say I blame them for the latter....nobody would want to be us right now..... You're quite right....time is no friend...it only stretches the pain .... making the journey longer..... The loneliness of it all has to be the most sinister..... detest it.... I am alone in it all....from watching my kids cry daily for their dad and pining for him...to trying to eat dinner....at least..... it all is a constant reminder that he is not here for me to speak to..... A feeling that has attached itself to my very core..... Thank you for listening

Dear Jim, Sorry that you are in such turmoil and that you aren't able to move forward or through this. I know how lonely it gets especially if the two of you have lived for each other....powered by each other. It does along with that special someone when they leave us. It is day 95 for my kids and I and it is truly not getting any easier or any lighter. It is not true that time lessens this heartache even though 95 days may seem like minutes compared to the rest of you guys it still feels like eternity multiplied by the depths of infinity ...... I know that it takes almost every fibre to get out of bed and try to hold it all together, but when the ugliness of the night surfaces, it mercilessly takes us apart...one thought at a time...one memory after another, latching onto a life that can never "be" except in our dreams(if we can stay asleep long enough)..... we come undone and truly go to pieces (at least I do every night).... then try to rebuild myself in the morning, and live this "new" life as if is stuck on repeat somehow..... The reason for doing it all again and again is probably because that is how we humans are hard wired......to survive..... but I get it ....we all do.....surviving isn't enough....especially if we were sooo ALIVE and full of hope and all things good..... prior to this life changing horrific "thing" that occured and left us mortified forever.... I guess we keep standing because we are either to scared to do anything else or we understand that no matter how much or how little support we can get from friends and family.....people move on and that's ok as it is just us who are left with these stained souls ....but through that harsh reality we know that we only truly have ourselves to fall back on and we are standing alone on this threshold to deal with this pain..... so we keep standing even if it feels like it's the last thing we are able to do.... one year and you're still standing Jim....it has to count for something....... gentle thoughts.....

Dear Jim..... A broken heart indeed. I know that everyone grieves differently and our experiences are all unique, but I can honestly say I know how you feel. We simply can't be fixed, there is no prayer or mantra or tablet or vaccine to cure what we have. That isn't a pessimistic view it's just the truth and reality of our reality.....I have never been good or comfortable with fibbing......nor have I ever had to convince myself that I can get through the hour and hopefully the next day too..... not sure that this heavy feeling could ever be lifted only because my love for my husband could never diminish....not in this life or the next..... and for as long as I love him I will miss him and for as long as that goes on I will forever be longing to be in his arms once again..... It is the only salvation I can muster....and solace I can find in this darkness that has now become my kids my lives..... Much love and light to you all lost in this sea of grief....may you all find strength and peace one way or another.....

Dearest Kayc....☺️ I am hanging on for dear life....but can't help but wonder WHY?....? Am I a sucker for punishment or just in "autopilot" right now and being overwhelmed is my constant state of mind and being......meaning I don't know how to react...... I often feel that those memories and all that love is more hurtful than anything else....the goodness of it is the very thing that tears the kids and I up into microscopic pieces.....over and over again..... does that make sense???? That those memories only make us cry cause we know we can never have them again....and don't even understand why. I know.....nobody said life was or is fsir but something this catastrophic should come with some type of sense if not an instructional kit of how to deal with the aftermath that somehow became my life....when life decided to happen......one very unsuspecting evening...... I am really glad for you that you posess that type of strength to continue with those memories and love and come to terms with ......you have reached your ration of all that goodness for this lifetime. Your response inspires me that some of us lost in this sea of grief are able to negotiate the waves and heal our "ouchies"......

I know that feeling of feeling like this is the end...or at least the beginning of the end.....I must also say that before my husband passed I never really had a feeling like that.....I was a real contender and always trying to spread hope..... Now I am in hiding and feel like the earth could split at any moment and swallow the kids and I.... I am sorry to hear that your health is deteriorating. I hope you at least have meds to offer relief for your condition.... Even sorrier that you lost your "Lancelot".... I wish I had pearls of wisdom to impart but I am into this day 89 now as it's pass 1am....and it seems as if you're been living with this ugly monster "grief" for a while now......I honestly can't say where people find the strength from to survive such a devastating blow as to lose their spouse and still go on and piece things together.... and even inspire others. I can't speak for the rest of the world but I know what my husband and I shared was magic..... it was and still is crucial and integral to my being. I have noooo clue as to how to make it through this horror and it takes everything out of me. I wish I could tell you something like I hang on for my kids' sake but it is not that. They are miserable and express that several times a day.....so they too see the pushing through meaningless days, as just existing.... but here we are still standing..... not sure whether to be grateful for this or ticked off..... we are here nonetheless..... This grief experience is merciless and horrific, it's difficult any way you dice it....so try to be kind to yourself......will keep you in my prayers❣

Hi there, Writing is my passion and I have done a lot of content writing and that type of thing and was working on quite an amazing piece a book actually. This situation I find myself in has just made anything I deemed good come to a screeching halt. Yes I definitely meant to write that my husband is my past and was my future because if you think about it everyone who has lost a partner is struggling with this very concept. People say find new dreams etc..... it's so sad to release or replace our dreams simply because life happened. Yes it's the circle of life but from where I am standing this circle is vicious beyond measure. Picking up the pieces or even attempting to is soooooo much more than just moving through these ugly emotions. It is about accepting that you are changed forever and unfortunately changed is another diplomatic way of saying you are now broken forever..... I guess all we can do in this relentless sea of grief is try to hang on for dear life and not let it swallow us whole. It may not always be apparent as to why we are hanging on but our survival instincts kick in and we push back even if we are not aware of this. We are hard wired this way..... We are all looking for hope and so desperately want it to be more than a figment we want to reach out and grab it and cage it if we could so we can have that always...... My husband was that for my kids and I....that hope that "thing" that's good in the world .... when he told us not to stress about something, I knew implicitly it will be ok because he will make sure it is ok.....and it's all I ever needed..... This grief journey is treacherous......I don't like this scary roller-coaster....and sometimes it feels like I am riding it, without a safety belt....and it could suck me into its abyss and into nothingness. I guess everyone in this group feels like this at some point..... Good luck to you all 💓❣

When the day is done and I have completed my usual chores plus the added ones of my husband.... and when the dreaded night rears it's ugly head, I can't believe that I made it through the day. The truth is I never forget how I am hurting or as soon as I drop my son off at school I sob and sometimes howl all the way home, just the thought of my husband not seeing that day destroys me. I get gome cry until I am exhausted the get out of my car and start the routine with the 3 year old who is awake by this time. I can't really say that keeping busy helps because I am busing all day long but I never forget, but I can say that it does distract your focus and attention to something constructive and that NEEDS to be done. I seem so "together" from an outside perspective, that I am carrying on etc but it is one huge STRUGGLE. I too think about giving up and giving in because all of it is so monotonous and cruel....I push through the difficult day only to toss and turn through the night and then wake up and do it all over again......I wonder why am I pushing through this day to get to tomorrow's misery? Ohhhh and it is misery and it is growing worse as the reality is cemented. I still pray relentlessly because it's all I have ever known but I also often feel what is it all for?..... Yes my folks and sister sort of take turns staying qith the kids and I but do have theor own lives to return to..... I hate all the talk about being able to adjust to a different type of ok and know and accept that my life has changed forever because I had no trouble with how my life was 88 days ago..... but the truth is nothing will be the same again and in the end we are standing on that threshold of grief and pain ALONE.... All the things you say you can't do or think you aren't able to do......you have been doing it all this while and that's something. It counts even if you feel it's miniscule or inconsequential. I keep telling myself that I don't want this one thing to define me or who I am .....I don't want being a widow to be all I am..... but how can that be when all that I was and loved for is now gone? How can I not focus on that? It is impossible and although many feel that you can't live in the past and think of the life you don't have now and should focus on the future.... I find this so difficult because my husband is my pas and was my future. He was "my happy ending".... and that is not something I or another in my situation can easily let go off.... So be kind to yourself and don't drag yourself down on the verrrry bad days....they all are bad and best case scenario they will all be bad qith tiny fragments of light and hope splashed here and ther...... I hope you go out a few times a week....even if it's to walk your dog....clear your mind and try to channel your energy towards something different....I know this is difficult but spark an interest somewhere else. It doesn't have to work like magic or be expected to erase the pain.... it will deter you even if it is momentarily......This morbid journey is all about one moment to another I hope that even a tiny bit of this helps even in the teeniest way. Sending all the good vibes I can muster, your way....

It just blows my mind that this is my kids and my reality...... sucks!!!!! And you are soooo right just getting out of bed and getting through an hour which turns into a day and now 87 days is a miracle in itself!!!! Take care!

Hello, Yes very true. I get it ....the stronger and more equipped I am the better care I can give them. Easier said than done.....I am trying to do my best though it may not be enough and it also makes no sense or point to want to be anything from here on out. Sorry for the melancholy but it all feels so pointless.....but I will keep standing. Thank you for the links they are helpful.... Beeeeg hugs

Thank you Gwenivere, I know the pain never leaves and is ever constant. I am sorry that your trauma was drawn out for years and ended with the awful result despite all you had already been through. Yes we are alone with grief and how it makes us feel and it is unique to everyone, but it does change.....My kids are so innocent and say things like if the only way they can be with their dad is to go to God then that's what they want. I said when God wants them he will take them but in the meantime we should be grateful for what we have. The 3 yr old wants to go to go to a forest to find poison berries for us 3 so we can "go to God". I feel like such a fake when I encourage them because it doesn't help yet I say these things I don't mean. My 7yr old is quite emotionally mature and says exactly how he feels. Says he is miserable and asks daily who decided "up there" to ruin our beautiful family..... His questions and expressions pierce through my just as much as this grief does. Always lurking in the background....waiting to surface and diminish me...... I pray we can see ourselves getting through this....today is exactly 12 weeks it happened...day 84 and I don't know how I dragged us 3 to this day......

it definitely is an ongoing process. it's too overwhelming to absorb in a day or maybe even in a decade..... one day at a time I guess......

thank you. this does help as well as I don't have to explain myself.....

Thank you for your time. You only understand a situation if you have experienced it. Glad to know there are people out there who get it. Some people are so insensitive in their approach and offensive. Yes grief is a sea....not something you can overcome and some days may not be as bad as others but the ebbs and flows keep tossing and I am rendered powerless and just go with the tide and not fight it. Just keeps getting worse and more real. Morbid feeling....it's also horrific to know that there are so many other people who feel like I do..... I guess no justification will ever satisfy me as to why this is so. Good chatting.....