Shadowcat

I've recently been reminding myself of that fact when I get annoyed with people who are close to me recently. That when they're gone, the small annoying habits will be gone too, but so will someone really important to me. I should accept those who are close to me with all their facets, as I hope they will do for me. I've learned to be kinder. I'm sorry you have had to go through so much loss. The loss of your husband (although I can understand that living with an alcoholic must be incredibly challenging and also damaging to a relationship) and the illness of your current partner. I'm sending kind thoughts your way, for what it's worth.

Thanks for this. Yes, it's true that you can love more than one person for a long time. I wouldn't say that I thought each person I've been with would be the one, but when they were serious relationships, I suppose I did. I still love my other exes, but in a different way. One of them is basically my best friend, and I love him very much, just not romantically. We've been friends for much longer than we were together. There's another person I was in a serious three-year relationship with, and it took me a while to get over him, but I am. I now just love him for the memories, and for the time we had. We have very little contact, but he was still an important part of my life. I suppose the difference with this last one is that, even though I still love people in my past, it's in a different way and if I had the chance to get back together with them, I wouldn't. Perhaps it's the way that this one ended that's making it so difficult to get over. It does help though to take into consideration that it had as much to do with him and where he is as it did with me and my behaviour. You're right, adults should get to a point where they take responsibility for their own behaviour. Some just grow up quicker than others. I don't exclude myself from this. I had a lot to learn and I still do. Just not in the same areas as Mark.

I guess we do. I have a little rubber wine glass marker I use to remind me of Riddle when he's not around. Also my ex and I won shirts at a cosplay competition that had a guy going into a porthole on one and coming out of it on another. We used to wear them to feel closer to each other when apart. I used to avoid wearing mine for ages after the breakup because it hurt too much. Now I sometimes wear it or hold it to feel close to him. Don't know if it's healthy or not, but I don't really care. It helps sometimes.

I'm very sorry you lost Arlie. Animals can become very very important to us. As I mentioned, I consider Riddle to be my baby, even now I have to timeshare him with a man who isn't speaking to me. I'm a bit worried about what will happen if either of us decide to move. I won't be able to be around him until he passes one day. Angel was old, but not in any way unhealthy. You could only tell he was getting older because he couldn't jump as high anymore and he spent more time indoors. I was away at university when he disappeared. I just tell myself that even if it didn't show, he probably just died of old age.

I'm very sorry to hear that Arlie passed! It's always devistating to lose a pet. I lost a cat when I was 21 that I got when I was 8, shortly before my father passed. He was an enormous white cat called Angel, and he just disappeared one day. Sounds strange to say, but I honestly hope he passed away peacefully somewhere of old age, and that he wasn't taken, because I know he wouldn't have been happy somewhere else after living in one place for so long, and I really hope nobody hurt him. I have a service dog called Teska. She turned 8 on 1 April. Yes, I do respect Mark's wishes. I haven't contacted him since his last message, aside from the one email at the end of 2018. I don't plan on contacting him any time soon, if ever. I don't want to cause him any anxiety.

Hi Mark94. I'm joining this thread rather late, but I'd be interested to know what happened since the last post and how you're feeling. I understand why you feel confused, as it seems that she is going between extremes. Keep in mind that it might just be a grief reaction to pull back from people, and that she will reach out if you give her space. It could also be something else, but I'd say give it some time (which you have by now because it's April) and read the signs as they come.

Evening! I know it's hard, but I tend to agree that you are being emotionally abused, and it isn't fair on your kids either. I understand how hard it is to let go when you love someone, and I know you probably feel like you would be a heartless bitch to leave him when he's going through such a hard time and losing family members etc, but here's my suggestion: Tell him that you're there to support him and you love him, but until he gets a handle on his drinking and realises that he can't take his pain out on you and your kids, you can't be around him anymore. Take some space, and only speak to him if he communicates calmly and rationally. If he's calm and rational via text, perhaps send him messages to check up on him, but immediately tell him you're ending the conversation if he becomes abusive. I know I'm late to this conversation. I hope things have improved since you made this post.

Hi Marty. Thank you. I, well, not exactly enjoyed reading that, but found it helpful. Yes, I am mourning the loss of a dream of what I thought my future would be. I'm also mourning the loss of a home. The home Mark (my ex) and I built was the first place I really felt was home since my father passed away when I was 8 and I lost my family home due to complications with his will. Long story for another day. We had a cat that we adopted together. I still see him now and then. I live in the same apartment complex as my ex, though nowhere near his apartment. The cat had stayed with him, but now sometimes visits me. I keep cat food especially for that purpose. I also miss him very much. I don't have children, so I guess he was the closest I've experienced. Anyway, I've written Mark letters that I never sent. Right at the end of 2018 I wrote him one which I did send. It was minus most things I wrote in my drafts. I just acknowledged the things I felt I had done to hurt him in the relationship, told him that I still thought he was a wonderful person, and said that the door was open if he ever wanted to become friends again. I suppose what also makes me struggle to find closure is how it ended eventually. The day he broke up with me, I was the one comforting him as he cried. Then three months later after we tried to remain friends, he sent me a text saying he didn't want to see me or talk to me, and that I had destroyed his self-esteem. The day we broke up, I asked him to reconsider for the sake of all we have. He said, aside from the pet names we call each other, what do we really have? I was so shocked at the time that I couldn't think of anything. However, I do remember the good things. The bad too, but it hurts more than anything that I just became the cause of all his troubles in his mind. I needed to be cut from his life, because the main thing he remembers about me is that I destroyed his self-esteem. That hurts more than anything, because I couldn't even tell him I disliked a type of wine he would buy me when we were in a relationship, because he was so proud of how pretty the bottle was, that he also enjoyed it and that we could drink it together, and because he thought I liked it. I didn't want to disappoint him. Even now, I will sometimes voluntarily not go to a social event that I'm invited to by friends, just so he can go. I know if I go, he won't. He left once when my friends convinced me to turn up one time. My point is that the thought of him being even mildly disappointed hurts me more than anything, so I can't stand that he doesn't remember the times I comforted him, the times we laughed and had fun together, or anything but the negative parts. Anyway, I'm rambling on now. My point is, I wrote a letter and he never responded. I'm not even sure he read it, but it helped at the time. It just doesn't help anymore. I've been trying to do "future self" work, where I write letters to who I want to be in a few years and I write back, as me in a few years. That's also been helping to some extent. I suppose I'm just having a hard time staying positive now, cooped up somewhere for lockdown with no independence or freedom, no cigarettes left and hardly any wine (haha), and the inability to even check up on the mental health of the person I love most in the world. He has bad generalised anxiety and gets panic attacks, so I'm worried about him. In times of emergency, I guess one just wants to tell the people you care about most that you love them. With him I can't.

Hi there. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm very sorry you had to go through that, and I'm glad you're happier now that he isn't in your life. Is your dog still with you? I'm not sure if I believe in the whole "meant to be" thing, as I think random unfortunate events occur all the time that weren't meant to be that way, and good things happen at random too. Sometimes it's timing, or any number of other factors. In my case, I can identify some causes. I didn't have a job at the time, and had an unhealthy lifestyle and was suffering from pretty bad depression, turning me into a not very easy person to be around. Also, certain family members of my ex (his brother who was living with us at the time included) were turning him against me behind my back. Some things were my fault, some were his, and some were outside factors. Our relationship was certainly not perfect. It was good at times, and bad at others. That's the thing though. I don't want a perfect relationship. What proper relationship is ever really perfect? I just love him with all his flaws, and I don't want anyone "better". I suppose that part of the problem here is that he didn't accept me with my flaws. I did start seeing a therapist towards the beginning of this year. Some things helped. For example, she said that perhaps I'm not letting go of the pain because it's the last thing I think I have left of him, and I'll lose him completely if I let go of that. She told me that I still have the memories of the good times, and that's something I can never lose. Also, letting go of the pain isn't going to make it any less likely that we ever get back together. Not that it is particularly likely, but the point is that letting go of mourning won't make it less likely. Becoming well adjusted might even make it more likely. There were other things she said that made sense too, but with lockdown and everything in my country at the moment, I haven't been able to continue seeing her, for now. I understand all this, and as I said, I feel like I could write a book on how to deal with my own situation. However, I'm always left with the question: so what do I do then? What do I do to not feel like this every day? Nothing I've done or thought so far has helped. Nobody that I've met has made me feel enough to want to be with someone else and start building all over again. I do focus on other things as much as I can, and I do enjoy certain things. I'm not just curled up in a ball crying about him all the time. But he's always there at the back of my mind.

It's been two years since my relationship of two and a half years ended, and almost two years since he cut me out of his life completely. I'm not stuck in the traditional sense, as I found a great job and am doing well, am making good progress on personal habit management, have supportive friends and don't avoid being social or being alone either, but I can't get over him. I can't stop loving him, and I hurt every day. I'm so tired of feeling this much pain. I can probably write a self help book on how to get over an ex, how to move on, what's healthy and what isn't, how to find closure even if you can't talk to the person in question, but none of it helps me. I'm very very tired. Any stories to share, comments or insights?